Hey guys! I present to you today a semi-serious, though largely satire essay. I wrote it a couple years ago and thought it may be worth the share.

[center:2iiggsv8][spoiler:2iiggsv8]The Proper Gum Chewing Method

Think back to your first piece of gum. Do you remember it? What brand was it? Juicy Fruit? Double Mint? Chiclets? Maybe you canít remember. Think of the last piece of gum that you chewed. Perhaps you have a piece in your mouth right this very moment. Think about how you chew it. Are you a gum cow? Chomping on that gum as hard as you can, just to make the most obnoxious noise you can. Nobody likes a gum cow. Maybe youíre a bubble-blower. Teachers despise bubble-blowers. Chew, chew, stretch tongue through, blow, blow, blow, catch breath, blo-- POP! The repetitive process of an educators nightmare. There are all sorts of gum chewers in this world, but only one type is truly appreciated. The standard, calm, enjoyable, casual gum chewer.
Okay. So here you are. You have your piece of whichever gum you fancy. No need for a stare-down here. Just unwrap it and prepare for enjoyment. Some people prefer to savor the moment before the gum touches their tongue and teeth, but thereís no real need for this extra step toward flavorful euphoria.
Gumís unwrapped? Thatís fantastic - Now before you go gum crazy and consume your stick of sugar or sugar-free fantasy you need to examine the dimensions of it. Is it a classic stick of gum such as Winterfresh? Is it smaller, bite sized, like Stride gums? It could even be off of a Hubba Bubba Brand roll of gum. Fold or bend your gum however it will feel best in your mouth for the first few chews, before it becomes amorphous.
Any time now, open your mouth and place the gum in between your top and bottom rows of teeth. Remove your hand from the general vicinity of your face. Unless for some strange reason you prefer it be there, but no recommendation of such action will be made. Close your jaws together and close your lips.
Congratulations! Youíve taken you first bite! Begin chewing on your succulent piece of gum base, colors, sweeteners and moistening concoction. Remember, no one likes a gum cow, chew gently.
Chew softly. Chew enjoyably.
Since youíve now been chewing for a few moments, you have the option to begin blowing bubbles with your gum. If youíre chewing in class, it is strongly recommended that you refrain from performing this action. Feel free to roll the scrumptiously empty calories around your mouth with your tongue, so long as youíre silent. Smacking gum against your teeth with your tongue can be nearly as disturbing as the chomping of a gum cud.
Continue your chewing and/or silent playing with your gum, remembering to keep your lips as close to shut as you can, until your flavor runs out, you need to eat something, you need to brush your teeth, you need to sing, play an instrument, or any other action involving movement of your highest orifice that your gum may interfere with.
At this point, where removal of your sorbitol or sugar idyll is necessary, most would simply state for you to spit your gum out. Literally. Spit your gum out. Whether it be on the ground or into a garbage receptacle, this manor is rather crude and unnecessarily attention-grabbing. The more polite system to dispose of your chewy distraction from reality is to move the gum to the fore-front of your tongue, discreetly open your jaws, and grab the gum off the tip of your tongue with your thumb and forefinger. As a continuation of the disposal process you may softly toss the gum into the garbage (though this risks the gum sticking to your fingers and completely missing the receptacle) or you may excuse yourself from the situation and politely walk to the garbage holster of your choice. When you reach said rubbage container you my drop the gum and walk back to your previous setting, forgetting you had the gum in the first place: Unless it was a memory-worthy piece of gum. In which case, savor the memory, that sweet piece of heaven is gone forever.
Everyone loves gum. Yes, even you, braces-for-a-lifetime-kid, just admit it, the chewy perfection is your guilty pleasure and your orthodontistís biggest pain. Though while heís scolding you for the remnants of Bazooka BubbleGum, tell him to open his mouth and lift his tongue, even orthodontists canít resist a piece of Big Red every so often. Remind yourself (and your orthodontist) often of the simple rules and steps to properly chewing gum- chew gently, chew silently, chew enjoyably.[/spoiler:2iiggsv8][/center:2iiggsv8]