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View Poll Results: Whadaya fink?

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  1. #1
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    well, i'm not really sure, but if it helps, something to do with a banana split...
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    The ties of love.

    Hello eveyone. I'm in year 7, but I got a year 9 writing ability in my exams ( ), so I thought, "Hell, I'll have a crack at it." This is what I started working on for school, but I'm hoping to make a MUCH longer version of it. Enjoy.

    There's this girl, and I'm mad about her. Her name is Chloe. She has an amazing body, a beautiful face, and has a laugh that will make you crack. She only has one problem, and that that she never seems to think this. She always thinks that she isn't good enough, or too stuck up, or something. And possibly the only bad thing is, we dont go to the same school. We went to the same primary school, but having her going to an all girls school, and me in an all boy's school, just makes things hard. I swear to god, if I didnt have a phone, or if I couldnt see her every friday, I'd kill myself.

    I was walking down the hallway, and my friend Robo came up to me. See, the thing about Robo is, every, single, girl, in year 10 LOVES him. And, unfortunately, he doesn't seem to grasp the idea of "love" not "sex", so it seems to hold him back from anything decent.
    "Mark, mate. Listen, I need a favour. I need you to get me in bed with Telisha Hornett." God I hate horny bastards.
    "Look," i said, "just tell her you love her, and see what happens. Girls are like cookies. You want some more, but can never find that sweet spot. Just, do what you think is right"
    "Aww, damn it. Your such a fag." He walked off. How I'd love to be desired by every girl... I have a feeling he takes it for granted, and that sort of makes him a dick head. Well, really, it DEFINETLY makes him a dick head. Just as i turned to my locker, Billy Madison piffed a lock at my head.
    "FUCK!" I yelled. "Which dick head threw that!?" Just my luck, the year 10 co-ordinator, Mr. Grant had just walked out of his office, and was staring at me. It was that sort of, "Listen dick, your fucked. I know it, you know it, so get your ass over here" sort of stare. I saw Billy and his mates running off, and I also noticed one of them threw a flare into someone's locker. I walked over to Mr. Grant, and went inside his office. He shut the door, and turned to face me.
    "Listen, i know about Billy. And I know, that any person you ask, will say he's a right prick. I'll give him an afterschool detention, but I'm sorry, you swore in school, so its a lunch detention for you. If it were up to me, I'd let you off, and give that bastard a saturday detention, but I just cant. So come on, get outa here."
    Gotta love Mr. Grant. Layed back, and actually understands how a 16 year old's head works. Of course, I was going to call Chloe at lunch, I'll have to pull a sicky. I walked out of his office, and couldnt have gotten better timing. James, possibly the biggest idiot in the school was walking up to me. Well, he's an idiot, but for getting out of boring lessons, detentions, and anything else thats not interesting, he's a god among men.
    "Hey! How ya doin Mark?" He said.
    "Shit, got a lunch time, and I was gonna call Chloe. Can you give me one of those Gut, Puker-fier, things?" I asked. "And I need it soon, lunch is in about an hour and a half, and I NEED to call Chloe."
    "Hey, no prob. 5 bucks mate, your set." I handed him a 5'r, grabbed my books and headed to Jap.

    12:55, come on James, were are you? Just that second he burst through the door of our Maths session. Well, I think it's maths. I'm too busy thinking about Chloe.
    "Sorry Ms. Aaronson." he said. "Music lasted a little while longer than normal." He winked at me, and flashed a small sphere in his hands.
    "Just sit down Mr. Macerfly, and we'll finish off our lesson." James pulled up a seat next to me.In a very quiet tone, so that nobody else could hear, he said
    "Here, swallow this. Just don't let it dissolve in you're mouth, or nothing'll happen." I quickly took it off him, put it in my mouth, and took a swig from my drink bottle. Ha, we're only supossed to have water. Screw that. Fanta all the way bitches I say.
    "Oh.... Shit... That's... Ugh...Fuck I'm gonna be sick."I got up, hands over my mouth, and ran out of the room. I ran into Billy, who was, of course, wagging, and nearly lost 6 teeth. I managed to get out by throwing up over him and his mates. He ran off in disgust I'd say. I ended up throwing up outside the Maths room, and got too get out of school. Shazam James, you gotta give me that recipe. Now all I have to do is go to St. Mary's School for Young women, wait for lunch, and call Chloe. God... I'd do anything for her.

    1:15 rolled around, and their lunch started. Most girls seemed most displeased to see me, and a few even gave me a lecture about wagging. Of course, then Chloe saw me, and seemed shocked, happy, confused and surprised all at the same time. She came over, and we had some small talk. So much for a phone call. Eventually, of course, my brain went ape-shit on me, and I popped her a question.
    "So, are you, sort of, doing anything... after... school?" I felt myself go red. Why now? of all the times, now? Well, I guess it's not so bad, she went red too.
    "Oh, um... I, think I can... I'll have to tell mum... but... I hope so, think so..." She's now scarlet, and I have a very strong feeling I am too. God, to be going out with Chloe, I must be the most god-damn lucky person in the world. I gave her what was sort of half a hug through the fence, and set off down the road. I walked down to The Golden Lion Motel and Diner. I booked a reservation for 6:00. $50 just for the reservation, I tell you what, this better work out.

    Comments? Should i continue? Also, just like in a normal thread, please give constructive critism, i need to get better.
    P.S. AS you guessed, in the school version, not half as much swearing, lolz
    Pivoteerererer owns, k? The Number Of The Beast rocks, so duz Black and Gold faggotz!
    Thread link in sig.


    Please check out my general talk thread, The ties of love. I would like some comments: viewtopic.php?f=23&t=50338


    Click here to help me grow!I need to grow up big and strong, so i can one day animate stickmen! lol?
    You might even get your own little thinga-ma-boba-what-chama-callit.

  2. #2
    Veteran Enthusiast DAMON's Avatar


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    Re: The ties of love.

    Not my kind of story, but it seems alright so far. First person singular I is capitalised.

  3. #3
    Newbie
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    well, i'm not really sure, but if it helps, something to do with a banana split...
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    Re: The ties of love.

    Thanks. When i update it, I'll change the i's into I's.
    Pivoteerererer owns, k? The Number Of The Beast rocks, so duz Black and Gold faggotz!
    Thread link in sig.


    Please check out my general talk thread, The ties of love. I would like some comments: viewtopic.php?f=23&t=50338


    Click here to help me grow!I need to grow up big and strong, so i can one day animate stickmen! lol?
    You might even get your own little thinga-ma-boba-what-chama-callit.

  4. #4
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Re: The ties of love.

    wait... What age are you? I'm not familiar with your education system.

    The story was actually quite good. The length of your sentences were quite varied, which is always a good thing.
    what is homo love?

  5. #5
    Veteran Enthusiast Android's Avatar

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    Re: The ties of love.

    Too much to read, make it 1-4 sentences and I'll think about it.
    [center:35dbpjta]Stop looking at my sig do something useful.[/center:35dbpjta]

  6. #6
    Devoted Veteran


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    Re: The ties of love.

    I like how it is well written, but still very casual.

    Kind of out of the norm.
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  7. #7
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    Re: The ties of love.

    Woah! Very well writen! I may make a story one day, anyone got any ideas?
    [center:14k5nyi7][/center:14k5nyi7]
    [center:14k5nyi7]My PSN: DepartedProphecy[/center:14k5nyi7]

  8. #8
    Veteran Enthusiast Salazar-DE's Avatar


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    Re: The ties of love.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cyborg
    Too much to read, make it 1-4 sentences and I'll think about it.
    Don't shit in General Talk, Cyborg. This is a well written story with an okay length to it. If you're not going to take the time to read it, even somewhat, then why are you bothering to post here?

    Anyway, the story was alright. It really just seems like you portrayed yourself walking around your school though. And there are many comma's that seem to only be there to signify a pause you would have when speaking. When writing, those don't exist.
    [center:15cesajl]I'm gone, but I loved my time here. Thank you all for being such a great community![/center:15cesajl]

  9. #9
    Veteran Enthusiast Slashed's Avatar



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    Re: The ties of love.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hazzystan
    wait... What age are you? I'm not familiar with your education system.
    He's 11/12

  10. #10
    Veteran Enthusiast Lawn Feed's Avatar

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    Re: The ties of love.

    I hated it. Its so cheesy. I once wrote a story like this when I was 10. Its not badly written but it makes me feel sick.
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