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  1. #1
    Fanatic Enthusiast theMotion's Avatar

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    Where to go from here...

    Well i wrote this story and i dont know how to continue it, Please help.
    Ok heres the story:

    O-KID

    Chapter 1:

    Odi was a 10 year old orphan who always got picked on at school. One rainy day he was waiting for his bus to arrive after school when suddenly a huge orange thunder bolt hit him. He fainted and woke up several hours later, he got up and realised his hands were orange in fact his whole body was he panicked and ran back to the orphanage where he lived to find everyone dead and a crazy looking man standing in front of the fireplace with his hands covered in blood, he approached the man and when he did the man swung at him so Odi swung back but when he swung a huge flash of blue light came out of his hand and completely incinerated the man. Odi had no idea what was going on but he had to find out. Having no choice but to leave or e charged with murder Odi ran and hid in a dark alley while he was hiding there a ghost appeared and said “Odi you are the chosen one fight the war and save the human race” before Odi could say or ask anything the ghost disappeared. Even though Odi had no idea what had happened he knew it had changed his life forever.

    Please help

    Codymoore13

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Spaz's Avatar


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    Re: Where to go from here...

    o_O.. More discription, more punctuation.. er.. it was just so boring... without sounding like too much of a dick I slightly laughed while reading it, because it just went from one thing to another, one second he was standing out a bus stop, the next line down he'd been struck by lighting and his hand was orange, next line down to that he realised that he was completely orange, and so he ran back to his house. Next thing we know (aka, next line down) everyone who cared for him are dead, and ironically the killer is still in house.. then he leaves his house without taking any belongings, because he'll be charged with murder?.. no one knows anyones dead, and the 10 year old isnt gonna be a likely suspect to have killed anyone.. if he's worried about killing the scary crazy blood handed man, then needent worry because he's a pile of ash now. But why would he go to a DARK ALLY?!.. >_<.. and a ghost coming out of no where?..

    its just, blah!.. basically.. none of it makes any sence, at all.. Soo yeah..


    so advice would be discription, punctuation.. also try build suspence rather than going from one thing to another. Descripe the main guy more at the start too, what he's wearing, what he's think about.. it'd drap the story out more, which is what you need.
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  3. #3
    Veteran Enthusiast Sharpshooter's Avatar



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    Re: Where to go from here...

    He fainted and woke up several hours later, he got up and realised his hands were orange in fact his whole body was he panicked and ran back to the orphanage where he lived to find everyone dead and a crazy looking man standing in front of the fireplace with his hands covered in blood, he approached the man and when he did the man swung at him so Odi swung back but when he swung a huge flash of blue light came out of his hand and completely incinerated the man. Odi had no idea what was going on but he had to find out.
    Thats a huge frikkin sentence. Use fullstops and commas more often.

    Agreed. Holy shit man, you're 14. Learn some English O.o

  4. #4
    Enthusiast Attelis's Avatar

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    Re: Where to go from here...

    No, just quit writing, lol.

    JK, you need to slow down, and explain to the reader more, and perhaps try and draw attention to something in particular while writing, so that you can inter-twine something into the later story.

    Or you could flame me. Both are super effective.
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  5. #5
    Veteran Enthusiast Picto's Avatar


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    Re: Where to go from here...

    Where to go from here? Don't. Stop writing it.
    It was crap.

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  6. #6
    ILP
    ILP is offline
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    Re: Where to go from here...

    Quote Originally Posted by codymoore13
    He fainted and woke up several hours later, he got up and realised his hands were orange in fact his whole body was he panicked and ran back to the orphanage where he lived to find everyone dead and a crazy looking man standing in front of the fireplace with his hands covered in blood, he approached the man and when he did the man swung at him so Odi swung back but when he swung a huge flash of blue light came out of his hand and completely incinerated the man.
    Biggest sentence ever
    not the best story ever
    fix your grammar

  7. #7
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Re: Where to go from here...

    It goes by super quick, add more detail. There should have been 3-4 paragraphs there at least. You only add the most basic details, which is extremely boring. Also, your sentences are way too long. Try to split them up.
    what is homo love?

  8. #8
    Fanatic Enthusiast Deimos's Avatar

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    Re: Where to go from here...

    Add more description and make it make more sense thats all i can say
    v The Thread v

  9. #9
    Veteran Enthusiast Lawn Feed's Avatar

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    Re: Where to go from here...

    write about something less stupid

    sorry to be harsh but right now it reads like a 9 year old wrote it
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  10. #10
    Banned

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    Re: Where to go from here...

    Never start a sentence with one rainy day. It doesn't catch the actual setting of a rainy day.
    But, to be blunt, don't continue it.


 
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