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  1. #1
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    Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    Well in school today I started writing and I'm posting what I got so far. What do you guys think. Be honest and harsh as you want.

    Karen was walking home on a cool, cloudless night in the middle of the summer. The trail she was walking on was notorious for crimes such as rapes, murders and such, but, Karen wasn’t concerned with such trivial things, she had walked this trail for many years. She walked the path so much infact, that even the shuffling of the bushes didn’t creep her out, as it did to many others. She only feared the sharp turn in the trail, where she had always felt watched.
    Little did Karen realize there were eyes watching her, hungry eyes. Oblivious to this she just continued to walk, oblivious to the eyes that followed her,the hungry eyes.
    He watched her from the tree tops, jumping across them with practiced ease. He liked this girl more than the others, she was calm.
    “easy prey” he thought to himself with amusement, “ but where is the fun with prey that doesn’t have sweet luscious adrenaline coursing through their veins. I’m gonna have to make this fun.” He sneered quietly to himself.
    Karen adjusted her tan trench coat, it was starting to get chilly. Unbeknownst to her that his very presence could chill anyone he met to the bone.
    Karen loved the trail, it was beautiful because it was rarely traversed by the destroying feet of man, for they feared if they traveled the trail they would lose their lives.
    “Life is so cheap.” Karen thought to herself,”there are to many people in this world as it is.” This was Karens prospect on life and it showed, for she didn’t care what she did to people to get to the top.
    “Ahh beautiful.” The man cooed, “ Her thoughts are impure and dark. She’s gonna be quite amusing.”
    The man loved women, loved their every curve, loved how they felt, the softness of their skin, the smell of their hair. As long as he could remember he loved them, never in the sick way the men that used to occupy the trail did, he had taken care of them.
    Karen stopped walking, right in the center of the clearing the trail went through, this was her favorite spot. the wind tossed her hair in all directions and she loved the cleansing feeling the wind gave her, almost as if it was cleaning the days deeds off her, making her feel refreshed.
    Unbeknownst to Karen, the man stood under the large elm at the corner of the clearing watching her wanting her to be his, but years of practice kept him from acting to early. He knew he must wait until she reached the turn, the place the man lived.
    He took the short cut that he had created back to his home, which was little more then a teepee of sticks with a covering of branches so people wouldn’t notice his beautiful home.
    A couple of times, kids had found and knocked down his home in amusement. Until then he had never seen a look of such pure terror when he had approached them, it was delightful to watch them quiver, to watch them stare at him with open eyes of disbelief and fear.
    The very thought of that day brought a rare half smile to his face, oh how he wished this girl would be better than that.
    Karen stood in her favorite spot for quite awhile, the breeze still tingling her face. She felt completely at peace here, this was her happy place to escape from the real world that tormented her, despised her.
    She wished she could live in this clearing away from people, but she knew that if she lived here people would go out of their way to come destroy her place just to drive her deeper and deeper into a pit of despair on which she was already on the lip.
    She decided to leave then, it was getting late after all if she stayed any longer she wouldn’t get enough sleep for the next day and, she needed all the energy she could get.

    He had heard her before he had saw her, and he had to force back a little squeak of delight, for as always, his pray was coming to him, all he had to do was wait, all he had to do was be patient and his beautiful, delicious smelling prey would come to him, yet again he held back a squeak of utter delight.
    Out of his peripherals he saw her coming, he flicked his tongue out, as a snake seeking it’s prey would, how delicious she tasted even from here.
    He stopped to enjoy the moment, this was his favorite time, right before he became the hunter, he loved the feeling of anxiety mixed with adrenaline, so much in fact that he often fantasized about it, about the moment before the hunter caught it's prey.

    Edit: went through it hope it's better me english sucks :P
    credz to: TSU, Jon, frozen fire and sir wojak (PM me if i use your stks
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  2. #2
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    Re: Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    you can't spell
    and you have bad grammar
    lock this thread
    or ima smash you with the ban hammar

    NEVERMIND GUYS, I WAS JUST BEING A DICK. -Damon was here

  3. #3
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    Re: Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    Just because he can't spell and may have bad grammar doesn't mean he can't write a good story. Also do not flame/spam, it's VERY annoying. And seeing as how ragingflames has been here longer than you, he should be respected.

    I really like the story, nice and engaging with alot of detail. Freakin rapist..lol.

  4. #4
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    Re: Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    LOL. yeah noticing spelling mistakes now spell check really doesn't work XD
    credz to: TSU, Jon, frozen fire and sir wojak (PM me if i use your stks
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  5. #5
    Japanologist Wilio's Avatar

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    Re: Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    Quote Originally Posted by ragingflames
    LOL. yeah noticing spelling mistakes now spell check really doesn't work XD
    Another reason to practice grammar correcting. You can't always rely on spell check.

  6. #6
    Fanatic Enthusiast Deimos's Avatar

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    Re: Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    Oblivious to this she just continued to walk, oblivious to the eyes that followed her,the hungry eyes.
    you used "oblivious twice" it sounded weird maybe make it sound like: "Oblivious to this she just continued to walk, unaware of the eyes that followed her, the hungry eyes." It sounds better than using "oblivious" twice back to back. Other than that, very descriptive, it caught my attention, good job
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  7. #7
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    Re: Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    Try this instead?

    "Oblivious, she continued to walk. Oblivious to the hungry eyes that followed her. Oblivious to the dangers that lay in wait."

    I tried my best to use your style there, it felt a bit, it's a bit whimsical for me. The trick used above is called Shakespearian repetition, it adds emphasis to writing.

    I'll C&C the whole thing in a bit, I was just reading the replies and thought to add a bit.

  8. #8
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    Re: Hey critique would be nice :P ( story )

    Hey! Great story you got there. Just a few grammar mistakes. Great work ,keep it up!
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