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  1. #1
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    Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    this is part of the first chapter of my story...ther hasn't been much editting so i need some edits and comments...thanq!

    Chapter 1: Saviors

    I could almost picture the blood pooling around my head. After watching so many horror films, I had an unfortunately good vision of it in my head.
    Her blonde hair spread out like a fan, the tips now a deep red. The large pool of blood had stained not only her hair but also her light green tank top and had left spots on her denim skirt. Her eyes, once a sapphire blue color, were now glazed over and distant. It’s almost as if you would feel her soul and emotions flooding out of her body, into the air, and escape into the universe, never to return.
    If only.
    At least then I wouldn’t have to get up anymore.
    I sucked in a sharp breath as I gently tried to sit up. This got me a stab of pain in my head and a kick in the stomach. I curled up in a ball, afraid to look at his face. I squeezed my eyes shut so hard that it hurt. I could feel the tears coming but I tried my best to keep them back. I bit my bottom lip hard to try to distract me from the pain in my head and stomach but it was doing little good.
    I had entered the bar with a surprising amount of courage. The ugly black hole in the wall with boarded up windows and dark cliental was a great place to forget your troubles. Stepping into that bar was like stepping into Hell: cold, smelly, dark, and frightening. I’d never stepped foot into a bar before but I knew this one was Cal’s favorite in all of San Francisco. The pool table was empty and the booths were vacant. The only occupants were an old man, a middle aged man sleeping with his mug posing as his pillow, and my boyfriend. This bar clearly didn’t card anyone with a roll of cash and the desire to leave this world and escape to another.
    I laughed bitterly at the thought of being able to escape this world. No one could do that…no matter how hard they try.
    I walked through the doorway quickly in hopes that my new found courage wouldn’t abandon me. It took him a few moments to realize I was there before looking up from his mug of beer. The gold translucent color seemed murky and poisonous under the nonexistent light. His half opened eyes landed lazily on my chest before climbing their way up to my face. He seemed only to see through me at first, almost as if he didn’t recognize me. Once the picture finally registered, I watched him rise from his seat and put his large sweaty hands on my shoulders while bending down to kiss me. If he had been sober enough to perceive anything, he would have hit me for redirecting his kiss to my cheek instead of my lips.
    “Hey baby!” he slurred. “I knew you couldn’t stay away for long. What are you doing here?” I had canceled a date we had planned earlier that evening for fear of going anywhere public with him. My heart was beating so fast that it felt like just one someone trying to squeeze the life out of my chest. As I gazed up at him, I almost started to cry. I could still remember the day he had asked me out. He kept running his hands through his dirty blond hair. His face had been color of a lobster and he couldn’t look me right in the eyes. She almost laughed at the memory of him gasping with his eyes wide and sparkling when she had agreed to go out with him. His dark blue eyes had looked like a clear night sky with dozens of stars lighting the way.
    As I stared into his eyes, I could feel my courage fading away. The memory of his shining eyes sparked a flicker of hope that maybe he would change. Maybe, just maybe, everything could go back to normal. But then, reality set in and there I was, looked at my boyfriend’s glazed and cloudy eyes. Unloving, uncaring, and dull from all the alcohol, his eyes seemed distant and strange.
    I closed my eyes and willed my courage to return and almost yelled out in frustration when I felt nothing but sadness. No! I screamed silently. I’m so close! Please don’t go! I need this to be over! But it was no use, one look at his enormous size and I had become rigid with fear. He never was a happy drunk.
    Here were my only options
    1. Tell him the truth about why I had canceled on him and hope he doesn’t beat me within an inch of my existence.
    2. Take advantage of his wasted state and lie, but prepare myself for the sober but still abusive consequences.
    3. Run and let him think the brief encounter was a drunken hallucination.
    I didn’t like my options very much.
    “I…I came to tell you…that….that I…” I stuttered. I always stuttered when I was scared.
    “Are you going to say something Serina or just babble like an idiot?!” his mood had skyrocketed faster then I thought it would. I had been focusing on the hazy look in his dark blue eyes that I didn’t notice his hand until it was too late. My temple smashed against one of the stools at the bar before it connected with the floor.
    And that’s how I ended up on the floor. Kicked, cut, and bruised. The pain was such a shock that I don’t remember screaming. Lucky for me the stool made a loud enough noise when it hit the ground to wake up the entire city. I lay on the floor, motionless as I heard someone get closer. I had to force myself not to pass out. It was too tempting just to let the darkness of my own conscience surround and comfort me. I concentrated hard on my breathing to keep myself awake.
    “Hey!” the elderly bartender had turned away from washing the dishes when he heard the stool fall over. “What’s going on here?” I looked up to meet the man’s beady dark eyes glaring down at me before he turned on Cal. “I don’t want any trouble in my bar and don’t think I don’t know that you’re not 21.” I could feel the older man staring at us and hear the younger one just waking up.
    “Don’t worry,” Cal said very calmly for being completely wasted. “Serina was just leaving. Weren’t you, baby?” I could hear the warning under his fake smile. Cal is the star quarterback on the school’s varsity football team. A run in with the police would get him kicked off the team and lose the chance to get into a good college on a football scholarship.
    “Yeah,” I replied while assessing my injuries: a bump on the head and a bloody but shallow but at my temple. I slowly and gently propped myself up on my elbows before attempting to stand up all the way. “I’m going. See you on Monday Cal.” Ignoring the achy pain of my entire body and brushing off his helping hand, I walked briskly out of the bar while brushing the tears out of my eyes.



    I couldn’t stop the large hot tears from rolling down my cheeks and scalding my face. I sat on a swing at a near by park, too furious to think straight. Not only did I lose my nerve at the last second but I had large bloody scratch on the side of my face to prove it. I wish I could go back to the day we met and just erase that moment! I hate him so much! I thought, unable to control my sobs. I wasn’t just furious, I was terrified. I fear for my own safety when I’m around him and his mood swings make it impossible to predict how safe it is to talk to him at all.
    I stayed at the park crying for about 20 more minutes before wanting nothing more than a hot bath and a good night’s sleep. Lucky for me my parents were out of town for the weekend so the fact that it was midnight didn’t really matter. My car, a light blue convertible VW bug, was parked about 4 blocks away from the bar Cal was probably still at, stuck in his beer hazed world. I really didn’t mind the walk; it was refreshing and helped me pick a new plan of action. I figured, worse come to worse, I could always move to Brazil under a false name. What? I’ve heard people do that all the time. I giggled to myself at the thought of a plan like that actually working.
    I walked slowly on the sidewalk, enjoying the way the cool air grazed my cheek as if giving me a soft kiss of comfort.
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Deimos's Avatar

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    Re: Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    Very nice, very descriptive. It didn't quite catch my attention at the beginning, but then again, I'm the kind of person who likes ACTION! ACTION! ACTION! then some small action THEN SOME MOOOOORE ACTION!! The only thing I can comment on is the use of commas and such. Very good, keep writing!
    v The Thread v

  3. #3
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    Re: Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    Quote Originally Posted by PivotDragon
    Very nice, very descriptive. It didn't quite catch my attention at the beginning, but then again, I'm the kind of person who likes ACTION! ACTION! ACTION! then some small action THEN SOME MOOOOORE ACTION!! The only thing I can comment on is the use of commas and such. Very good, keep writing!
    *laughs* thanx! i'll b putting more into it soon i've just been uber busy -_- i do need 2 work on my coma use...it's been a problem for me for a while
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  4. #4
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    Re: Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    Very very nice! Great words and a great story line. I realy enjoy it! Carry it on.

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  5. #5
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    Re: Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    thanx warlock! the story line is going to take a fantasy twist very soon ^^
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  6. #6
    ☄ (。・ω・。) ☄ Peebles's Avatar

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    Re: Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    A lot better than I though. Pretty friggen long for a single chapter, but that is cool. Very nice, discreptive and interseting.

  7. #7
    Veteran Enthusiast DAMON's Avatar


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    Re: Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    One thing that keeps bugging me is as soon as the main character fantasises a scene the description shifts to third person instead of first. Stop doing that, it doesn't fit.

    Other than that I like it. It's better than what I usually come across on Darkdemon. I don't particularly enjoy the subject matter. Feminist issues are strangely incompelling. At least the writing was good enough to keep me reading.

  8. #8
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    Re: Chapter 1 Saviors-pt 1

    thanx for the input guys!!!
    when i started writing it, i wasn't sure if i wanted 2 put it in third or first and because i'm so use to writing in third i will accidentally write in third when i want to write in first -_- i will b sure to make edits and post more asap
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]


 

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