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  1. #1
    Veteran Enthusiast Slashed's Avatar



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    Devil Eyes - Small update, achieved an A in coursework.

    Enjoy...


    Death: The only thing that is definite. The one thing we can all count on. Its loyalty is endless, you can always trust death. That’s what I thought to myself as I saw her life slipping away, slowly… minute by minute… second by second.
    I probably could have done something, called an ambulance, or screamed for help. But instead I just stood there; watching her die. The car didn’t even stop, so why should I start? What kind of a person am I if I don’t help? Have I actually done anything wrong? Will I be locked up in some cell somewhere? All these thoughts ran through my head as I stood there, watching her expression fade… her moans for help… blood pouring from her mouth, her body broken and torn.
    To say the very least I was giggling, if not all out laughing. To think of how many times I had seen this in films, not one of them captured it so well. All the detail was amazing, the blood leaking and insides spilling over onto the road, the skids of the tires, all in perfect position. Of course, this was real. So you’d expect it to look right, but this, this was something else!
    For a moment I could almost imagine sitting in a cinema and watching this, but I was here. This was real. The girl was dying. Walking over to her I smiled.
    “Is it painful? Death, I mean… Does it hurt?” I could see an expression cross her face; it was one of shock and pain. Her eyes shot open and she spat out a clot before moaning something, quietly to herself and dying.
    Stepping back I wasn’t sure what to do, would I run and pretend I wasn’t here? Wail and cry for help? Pretend to fall unconscious and wake up speaking of how terrible it was? All of these were plausible… and only one useful.
    I screamed and ran backward at the first sight of a pedestrian, moving further away from the body. I even tripped over the curb and covered my face for good measure. The man ran over, yelling… something I couldn’t work out until he was closer.
    “What happened? How did… what…”
    “A-a car! It just kept going, it was terrible! Call someone! Fast!” I wailed, almost forcing him to call an ambulance.
    “Y-yes!” He grabbed a hold of his phone and pulled it out of his jacket pocket.
    “Hurry! I think she’s dead!” I yelled as he dialled the buttons as fast as his podgy, round fingers could.
    “I-I need an ambulance! A-and the police! Please, hurry!” He screamed down the phone like a pig squealing for food.
    “Oh… oh my god!” I screamed and began to cry, turning over on the floor.
    “Ye-yes! Just outside twelve Baker Street… Y-yes, she’s been crushed by some sort of car… I don’t know, I’m here with a man who says he saw it, h-he might know… Y-yes, I’ll put him on!” He snorted and shoved the phone toward me.

    * * * * *

    It was easy. The tears kept the more... sensitive... questions out of bounds for the officers. They knew what had happened. Just a normal, run of the mill roadside casualty. They were unconscious to the blanket of tearful lies I had woven.
    The pig-like features of the man – who, I had found out, was named Barry – were creased. His swollen eyes leaked tears solidly as the police had questioned him. He had no stamina at all. At one point I thought he was about to acknowledge himself as the driver, however the police seemed to recognise that he was on the edge and gave him a break.
    The girl’s parents arrived just as the cordon barrier was being set up. The moment I had been waiting for. The taste of their panic hit the air as soon the car door swung open. My nostrils flared and I licked my lips in anticipation, to see that brilliant, unaltered, moment of realisation.
    A single tear fell as the woman awoke to the truth. Her jaw dropped slightly. She stumbled toward to cordon before dropping to her knees and weeping into her hands.
    “Oh, Jenny,” I looked toward the man who had stepped out of the car after the woman, “our wonderful Jenny... What have you done to yourself?” He put a reassuring hand on his wife’s left shoulder. I sniggered accidentally at the trivial gesture.
    “Miles we... Oh Miles!” She fell to the floor. My taste buds flickered at the thought of their despair and I stopped for a moment. I thought about what I had become over the past few months. How my behaviour was slowly but surely changing. I had never enjoyed peoples suffering so heavily before, almost as if... Something was influencing me.


    ... And that's it so far. Comments, suggestions?

    As the title mentions I handed this in as a piece of coursework and got 26/30. One mark off of an A*.

  2. #2
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Re: Devil Eyes

    You should really write more, that was excellent.
    what is homo love?

  3. #3
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    Re: Devil Eyes

    Haha, wow, you really captured that death scene pretty much perfectly. Keep going, I want to read more.

  4. #4
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    Re: Devil Eyes

    That was extremely good.

    I take it the character isn't human?


    Just read it again, your dialogue is fantastic, not at all stilted wooden or unrealistic, completely believeable. Your characterisation is top knotch, and the idea behind it is fecking original.


    Compliments may get a little stale, but seriously, I can't criticise, because I don't think I could improve it.

  5. #5
    Veteran Enthusiast Slashed's Avatar



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    Re: Devil Eyes

    Quote Originally Posted by Hazzystan
    You should really write more, that was excellent.
    It's been sitting in my docs for a little while now. Not sure why, I just haven't done anything with it for a while...

    Quote Originally Posted by Sway
    Haha, wow, you really captured that death scene pretty much perfectly. Keep going, I want to read more.
    Thanks! I'm glad I did. With today's increasingly violent media (not that I'm complaining), I suppose it made it easier to imagine and develop (:

    Quote Originally Posted by Chimaera
    That was extremely good.

    I take it the character isn't human?


    Just read it again, your dialogue is fantastic, not at all stilted wooden or unrealistic, completely believeable. Your characterisation is top knotch, and the idea behind it is fecking original.


    Compliments may get a little stale, but seriously, I can't criticise, because I don't think I could improve it.
    Thank you I'm not QUITE sure yet. I was more thinking that he would begin to see demons and other hellish monstrosities. The basic idea was, I suppose, taken from the movie Constantine. There was a specific scene with him on the bus where a person turned around with a demonic face which no body else could see. I wanted to end up emulating that kind of situation, all brought to this character by the devil. As you can see I hadn't planned before writing
    Oh, and compliments NEVER get stale!

  6. #6
    Fanatic Enthusiast Plan B's Avatar


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    Re: Devil Eyes

    Found it a really good read, one of the few stories in this section that drew me in wanting more.

    Hope there's more to come

  7. #7
    Enthusiast Spitfire's Avatar

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    Re: Devil Eyes

    I love how it sounds, it's almost like someone is reading it to me.

    Literesy?

    [Courtesy but for literature]
    [center:1ztq707r]
    |Animations|Forum Rules|Purgatory - Inconvenience - Story|[/center:1ztq707r]

  8. #8
    Veteran Enthusiast DAMON's Avatar


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    Re: Devil Eyes

    Ah, nearly orgasmic to finally read something written with actual skill, something actually worth reading.

    What I really like about this, apart from the general writing style that doesn't in some way piss me off, is the descriptions and their originality. At first I thought you were going for some cliché with the opening epithet about death, but you turned that around quite well. And I also really liked the part where he's gabbing off about how real and perfect the scene is. Very nicely written.

    What I didn't like was the immediate over-characterisation so to speak. Immediately the character not only likes what he sees, but draws into a manacle cackle. I think (especially for something this early in the story) his evil side could have stayed a little more hidden, a little less obvious. He could have still liked what he saw etc, but right now it's a little too much.
    I also don't quite get his conclusion that wailing like a bitch and getting someone else to call 911 is the best course of action. Sounds like the worst to me, but maybe I'm just stupid.

    That's all for now I suppose, I guess my critiques have gotten somewhat milder on you after all the shit I've had to read through these days. Keep writing whatever you like, as long as I get to read something of actual skill.

  9. #9
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    Re: Devil Eyes - Small update, achieved an A in coursework.

    Wow. Thank you guys (:
    Updated with the rest of what I handed in for my coursework in English.

    Blu: I'm very busy at the moment. BUT I will be writing more I hope.
    Spit: Umm... >.> lololol
    Damon: Whoa. Thank you! I'm glad you didn't find it cliché - and quite surprised I was hoping to start explaining the change later on. It's normal for the character to grow into a psycho as the story goes on and, well, normal isn't what I was going for! As for the 999 call, he wanted to see the parents agony at the sight of their daughter.

    I'm not completely happy with the job I did on the new bit, but it seemed to work (:

  10. #10
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    Re: Devil Eyes - Small update, achieved an A in coursework.

    One problem, one problem that ruins your whole story.

    ..It's not finished.
    You deserved that A so so much.
    [center:13w2rfcr]My Thread (updated 26/1/11!)[/center:13w2rfcr][center:13w2rfcr][/center:13w2rfcr] [center:13w2rfcr]Skype: lucienpicto[/center:13w2rfcr][center:13w2rfcr]Steam: _picto[/center:13w2rfcr]
    Quote Originally Posted by StargateSG
    But tell me, what is homo love?


 
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