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  1. #1
    Devoted Veteran
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    Aug 2008
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    Hunger {Big Update}

    Well, I thought I might give this a shot. Seems alot of people are into this right now and I'll see if I'm any good. Enjoy.
    ================================================================

    Day 1
    Alec::Open Field:: 11:43 am

    I opened my eyes, confused. As I lay there in a corn field I tried to recall the events that put me into this situation. Then the sickening thought came into mind... It has started again.
    My hand reached up to my mouth and it was covered with a thick fluid. I looked at my fingers and saw the crimson fluid covering my fingers. Blood dripped down from my fingertips and landed on the grass with a faint sound.
    I rose from the grass and brushed some dirt off of my tattered clothing and headed home.
    Although I did not know where I was, I soon found a highway, and after that things became much more familiar.
    ================================================================
    Eileen::Crescent City:: 1:21 pm

    “Stupid fucking coffee is too sweet…” I pushed the cup away in disgust and picked up the book I had brought. Unable to focus on the words in the story, I gave up and looked around. For some reason I felt on edge. I couldn’t shake the feeling something major was about to happen. I impatiently tapped my black Stiletto heals on the cold concrete at my feet. It was a gorgeous day and I wanted more than anything to leave this cheap coffee shop and go to the beach but not matter what I did, I couldn’t make the voice telling me to stay to just shut up.

    I folded my arms in frustration and decided to try reading again. I walked into the coffee shop and bought a newspaper from the cashier. Ignoring the high school boy’s wink, I turn my attention to the stories in the paper. The front page had been dedicated to the mysterious death of a farmer who had been living around the outside of the city. I frowned as I read the details of his death. The body had been ripped to shreds. All the bones had been broken and every organ had vanished. The picture would have made any normal person feel nauseous but this picture just made me angry.

    So, I thought. Some new werewolf is having trouble controlling their powers. I crumbled the paper and threw it away deciding I didn’t care about what my gut was saying. My brain was shouting “Go to the beach!” and I liked that idea much better than staying here.

    I must have been really concentrated on what swim suit I was going to wear because I totally didn’t see the man walk into the shop before I ran right into him.

    “Oh I’m sorry!” I looked up at him and had to force myself not to gasp. The man’s yellow eyes were piercing. I could almost feel him looking right through my soul. I would have forgotten to breathe if he hadn’t shifted his gaze away from mine. I shook my head lightly and concentrated on his face. He seemed familiar yet I knew I had never seen him before in my life. “I was spacing,” I mumbled, feeling my cheeks redden. “I wasn’t paying attention…sorry about that.” I knew I should have walked past him and to the beach but my brain decided it liked looking like a dork and forced my body to stay rooted to the spot.
    ================================================================
    That is all for now. I'll be updating at random times.

  2. #2
    Enthusiast
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    May 2008
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    1,109

    Re: Hunger

    It was ok for a start its original because it starts with a guy dying in a corn field
    but its only the begginner so I can't really comment on anything

    THERE i COMMENTED YOU ASSNUGGET....lol it'd be so funy to you if you were there.
    [center:1e3e9dtr]
    [/center:1e3e9dtr][center:1e3e9dtr]
    [old thread]^[newest anim]^[/center:1e3e9dtr]
    [center:1e3e9dtr]Thank you )(nUmB for the avvie,Will&#39;s awsome also <.<[/center:1e3e9dtr]

  3. #3
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    Re: Hunger

    Thanks, but he's not dying. No more information will be released.

    I am not an assnugget.

  4. #4
    Veteran Enthusiast DAMON's Avatar


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    Re: Hunger

    I don't like the flow.
    My hand reached up to my mouth and it was covered with a thick fluid. I looked at my fingers and saw the evidence that proved the horrors of my thought to be true. Blood dripped down from my fingertips and landed on the grass with a small sound.
    This just doesn't flow at all. Try reading that out loud. I think you're trying to be too fancy in your writing. "The evidence that proved the horrors of my thoughts" just sounds too complicated. And "landed on the grass making a small sound", what's a small sound? A feint sound, I can imagine, but what's a small sound? This is not english.

    All in all, drop the "writing fancy for the sake of writing fancy" and try to be more descriptive but in a more casual manner.

    P.s. It's a little too obvious this is a werewolf story to be all "No more information will be released."

  5. #5
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    Re: Hunger

    Yea, I know. Thanks for the help; I'll edit my previous part when I write more.

  6. #6
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    Re: Hunger

    Very nice! Great words, and great job all together. Great story man!
    [center:14k5nyi7][/center:14k5nyi7]
    [center:14k5nyi7]My PSN: DepartedProphecy[/center:14k5nyi7]

  7. #7
    Guest

    Re: Hunger

    Is this dude A:A vampire or B:A werewolf??

  8. #8
    Devoted Veteran
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    Re: Hunger

    Read Damon's post, and it should be kinda obvious.

    Update coming soon.

  9. #9
    Junior Member
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    residing in the very depths of my imagination
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    Re: Hunger

    i like the beginning...i'm a HUGE fan of werewolf and vampire stories so i can't wait to see what happens to your character
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  10. #10
    Devoted Veteran
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    Re: Hunger{Edited and added a little more.}

    I've edited the story a little and added a little more, also.


 
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