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  1. #1
    Dedicated Member Swifty's Avatar
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    Jun 2008
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    Sin City
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    The Broken Shadow (Under Construction)

    [center:2zfid3ra]The Broken Shadow[/center:2zfid3ra]

    Chapter 1: Showdown

    The bell rang as I slammed the book shut and got up. I literally was the first one out into the hall. I walked calmly toward my next class. I dodged every opposing student coming my way. Then out of nowhere I saw a girl slam into me, but before she hit the ground I caught her.
    She had golden brown hair, with hazel blue eyes and peachy skin with barely noticeable freckles. She stared at me for a few seconds. Her eyes fixed on mine. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean to-”
    She stopped, I stood her up straight and gathered her books. She looked at me as if confused or dazed. So finally I nodded, handed the books to her and kept going. I strode into the hall and neared the math room.
    Mr. Keaston, was grading yesterday’s quiz. He looked up, his rosy cheeks and graying balding were the perfect match. He looked a skinny Santa Claus. Mr. Keaston’s glasses were hanging from his stubby nose. “Ah Jonathan,” he said, “Nice job on the quiz yesterday.”
    He handed me the test. I checked it over and walked over to my desk. The window was soaked with rain from last night. Students poured in a hurry, pushing and shoving. Mr. Keaston got up and tried to regain order. I smirked, as the bell rang. “Today we will study the perimeter of Twin Lakes High, class” Mr. Keaston announced, “We will go around the school and make measurements.”
    The class groaned. After an hour of “hell and despair” in the halls I walked over to my locker, turning the knob with precision and deactivating the lock. Stuffing my binder, and book into my backpack I swung it on and was on my way.
    Upon reaching the main entrance a voice stopped me, “Hey! HEY!” it yelled.
    I a kid with a pale sleeveless shirt and torn jeans was yelling at me. He was very wide and looked like a walking tomato. He was blocking the door, I wasn’t in the mood to be harassed. “Hey dumbass,” he said, “pay for your exit!” he commanded.
    “Move.” I said in a cold, quiet tone, then shoved him.
    I looked at his eyes, full of anger and sorrow. I could tell his life by taking a good look at them, a life full of anger and shame. Then a fist was headed my way, I grabbed it and pulled it towards me. My elbow slammed into his lower neck. He staggered back, everybody watched us now. Scanning the bystanders I caught that girl’s face, a crushing blow hit my lower chest. I slammed my fist into his face; then I kicked his upper thigh. He hit the floor clutching his leg. Screaming in agony he tried to grab my shoe to trip me. I kicked his hands away and turned around, walked away.
    I stared at the drops of blood on the floor ignoring the screaming, blood trailed from my mouth. I wiped it off and dashed, dashed away from the crowd. The former version of the kid destroyed, spewing the dark liquid from his nose cussing at me. I did not look back. I kept going.


    Chapter 2: Acceptance
    [center:15kh9l7l]
    Got Swift??[/center:15kh9l7l]

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Deimos's Avatar

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    Oct 2008
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    Kansas
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    Re: The Broken Shadow (Under Construction)

    ...wonderful... very descriptive, I like it! Very interesting story line also, please pm me when you get some more out!
    v The Thread v

  3. #3
    Regular Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
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    142

    Re: The Broken Shadow (Under Construction)

    I think the scenes should be longer, it seems kind of rushed-effect. The part where he picks the chick's books up should be a few sentences longer. Then maybe you keep going to the room.

    Keep going though, looking nice. I like how everything just branches off another.


 

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