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  1. #1
    i fux wit it Snake's Avatar

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    The Ring- A short story by Armageadon

    The Ring

    “David, come bring me that ring, I want to see it on you.” my mother called to me.
    “Alright,” I replied, turning off my computer.
    When my grandmother died, she left this ring for me in her last will. It had lightning bolts on the outside and ancient writing on the inside of the band. She said she won it from a Mayan man. She said she could throw him down in one swift movements. He bet this ring because he was certain he would win. He didn’t. I knew the ring was special, but I never wore it because I thought it was weird. I had stowed it away in this box I have that’s in the top shelf of my book shelf. I haven’t opened the box since.
    “Let’s see you try it on,” my mother insisted. I wasn’t going to say no because it was just a ring, even though I didn’t like it.

    As I slipped the ring on my finger, I felt a tingling sensation in my arms, which traveled to my torso, and eventually made it’s way to my feet. Suddenly, a beam of bright light enveloped me. Wind was blowing around me. Windows were breaking, the house was shaking, papers and magazines were flying everywhere. I felt myself being lifted up into the air, and then I was hovering in the middle of my livingroom. Everything outside got dark. I went over to my parents. They were unconscious because of the force of the wind and the brightness of the light. I knew I had to get them to the hospital.

    I picked them up with the greatest of ease, ripped the door off it’s hinges, and ran as fast as I could to the hospital. Then I realized something. “I ripped the door off it’s hinges, but how?” I thought as I was speeding down the road. I had unhuman strength. The ring had given me strength! Along the road to St. Barbara’s Hospital, people were terrified of me. They ran screaming and some stood in shock. I didn’t know what all the fuss was about. I ran to my school. It had mirrors on the front, so I could see if it was my appearance. I stood there, my mouth gaping.

    My hair had grown to my back and the color had turned black. My skin was a sickly purple color. My eyes were orange and I had scars all over my face. I had black wings growing out of my back. The ring turned me into a monster. I started to run to the hospital again. Just then, a fissure started to form along the road. A large creature, that resembled me, slowly rose out from it’s depths. Bats flew out, screeching, and black water was bursting out around the creature. I felt myself being pulled toward this creature. It had it’s arm outstretched. I didn’t want to go, but I couldn’t fight this force that was taking me to it.

    As I got closer, it turned into the loving figure of my grandmother. Then, she sprouted angle wings, and flew off to the heavens, calling, “Take off the ring, David, I love you,”
    I ripped the ring off with the brute force of my newly found strength. Everything around me was going backward. Time was reversed. I could feel the features of my face changing back to normal. I was swept back to my room, as if nothing had happened. The ring could also control time. And there I was, on the computer.

    “David, come bring me that ring. I want to see it on you,” my mother called.

    “I can’t find it mom,” I answered, putting the ring in a place where no one could ever find it.

    The End.

  2. #2
    Dedicated Member eszra's Avatar

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    Re: The Ring- A short story by Armageadon

    Sounds a little second grade, not really smart in anyway. You might aswell have called your main character frodo, and have the mother be gandalf. No origionality seriously. A tingling sesation in his arms that travels to his feet? Wow. Good play on words. I do like the idea but you wrote it like you are 9.
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1255480693.jpg[/img]
    my thread

    http://darkdemon.org/viewtopic.php?f=2& ... 8#p1189878

  3. #3
    i fux wit it Snake's Avatar

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    Re: The Ring- A short story by Armageadon

    Well fuck you. I didn't ask you to read it. I didn't say I worked long and hard on it. So get the fuck out.

    Seriously. (It's called a short story, you don't work on short story's for long periods of time, dick.)

    Anyone have any constructive, non bitchy critisism? (notice Dekoiz typed that with proper grammar and spelling to make himself feel smarter.)

  4. #4
    Veteran Enthusiast Yadda's Avatar


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    Re: The Ring- A short story by Armageadon

    Yuck

    Honestly you should proofread your stories much more because nearly all of the paragraphs don't make ANY sense

    She said she could throw him down in one swift movements
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    ..and then I was hovering in the middle of my livingroom. Everything outside got dark. I went over to my parents....
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    I picked them up with the greatest of ease, ripped the door off it’s hinges, and ran as fast as I could to the hospital. Then I realized something. “I ripped the door off it’s hinges, but how?”
    I stopped reading once I got that far.


  5. #5
    Junior Member
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    Re: The Ring- A short story by Armageadon

    you should have seen my mouth drop when i got to the second and third paragraphs....i honestly think the story is really good! though i thought the plot was going to be a lot like lord of the rings because of the ring but the second i got to the part where he saw what he looked like, my perspective completely changed! great job...the story took me by surprise and i always love that

    there are probably a few grammar issues you could fix but i thought the plot was wonderful and that's the first thing i think about when reading a story
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  6. #6
    i fux wit it Snake's Avatar

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    Re: The Ring- A short story by Armageadon

    Thanks for all the critisism. Especially yours, Kaia, a positive comment. Yadda, yours also helped. I may make another, possibly better.


 

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