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  1. #1
    Guest

    New York 2139(Currently on chapter one)

    [Day 1]
    [0124 Hours]
    I woke up thinking I was safe at home with my family in New York central so I sat up waiting to hear the laughter of my 2 sisters,my brother and my Parents.No sound.I looked around and saw the roof had fallen in and the door was jammed."Fuck" I thought.I reached for my glasses but only found the metal of something,I ran my hand up it and cut myself,"Damb what's my knife doing out??" I said and switched on my lamp.There sprawled on the floor next to me was my brother,"Hey dude wake up"
    I said,No response.I kicked him over and saw that there was a puddle of puke mixed with blood underneath him.He looked like a zombie to me.His skin was greenish and his stomach had some gashes in it like a knife wound."Oh shit" I thought,"Ive killed my brother".Suddenly i heard a thump on the door and a low moaning sound,I grabbed my knife and ran to where my knife and gun were kept normally.I opened the door and found my gun,it was a USP silenced from when I used to work for the military,I ran to the door and put my ear against it,I heard it before I felt it an "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    "SMASH!!!!" the door blew into a million pieces and a zombie came in the room,it was my next door neighbour Bob.I shot him two times in the head and he collapsed in a puddle of green blood."Oh my god" I said "What the fuck is happening??"

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    :3
    Posts
    254

    Re: New York 2139(Currently on chapter one)

    That was pretty engaging.

    Here some ideas to spruce it up abit.

    - Dont introduce what the 'killer's' are. For example, you could just describe what it looks like, then in the final chapter or a chapter or two later, introduce the 'zombie'.

    - Try writing it out from a different perspective. Like from the zombies - tell the story from his point of view.

    - Use complex and compound sentence structures, and simple for effect.

    - Your grammar, after a comma there is normally a space and basic capital letter/full stop punctuation.

    However your 'content' is nice

  3. #3
    DD's Collector Faded's Avatar


    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    6,907

    Re: New York 2139(Currently on chapter one)

    Seanie was banned, no use for his story now.
    YouTube Channel | Community Channel
    Steam: chaotic50
    PSN: iFadeDx
    Skype: darkdemonusertim

    Feel free to add me, just let me know who you are.


 

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