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Thread: Consternation

  1. #1
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    Consternation

    [center:2zxgi3bk]Consternation
    noun
    a sudden, alarming amazement or dread that results in utter confusion; dismay.


    The knocking continued.

    I was alone. More than alone. I was solitary, confined in the closet, terror-struck. The house was so silent I felt my breath echoing down the halls, then returning to remind me I was the only one who was breathing.

    Taking another inhalation, I steadily rotated the closet knob. It squeaked ear-piercingly, causing me to twitch in fear. The fear was not because of the splitting sound, but because of who else's ear drum's it might reach. Cautiously taking my first, and perhaps final step out of the enclosed room.

    Cold sweat shattered my numb nerves, reminding me I still existed. Extremely watchful, I steadily paced through my kitchen floor. I was in my own house where I had lived for years, yet I felt so lost....misplaced.

    The knocking had stopped suddenly, as though been ordered to halt when I exited the closet. I plodded through the near ending kitchen...

    ...and I was struck.


    I awoke from my unconciseness, dazed and confused. The images being sent to my brain were blurry and hazy. After a few seconds of gathering information together, I realized I was still in the kitchen. Remembering what last happened, the thoughts registered into my brain and I scrambled to my feet.

    My environment was a horror film setting that had been way over done. A massacre of blood and disembodied limbs, scattered among the floor. Body parts of people I no where near even reconized. I could feel my stomach churning. I was either going to throw up, or return to my nightmare sleeping on the unforgiving kitchen floor. And selection B sounded more enjoyable right about now.

    Roaming the floor with my veining eyes, scanning for what had struck me. And then I saw it, a large hunting knife, shining with blood.

    It was my knife.

    After starring, thinking of a rational explanation for this series of events, a dark figure shadowed the floor. He, or it, picked up up my knife, with long, gleamingly red hands. As it moved into visual range, I picked up a face.

    It was old, hard, and overall cold. No emocian. I stood, a statue, showing what real fear was shown as. And as he he crept closer, looking as ready to slit my neck as ever, two wires connected in my brain.

    It was me.
    And then it went black.

    Inspired by CodeMachine's awesome story, PSYCHONEUROTIC[/center:2zxgi3bk]
    [center:3a1kmh8b][/center:3a1kmh8b]

  2. #2
    Senior Member sticky magic's Avatar
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    Re: Consternation

    That was interesting, nice use of words, and great twisted ending. Some people cant think of words to put in that make people interested, but you did and i enjoyed it.
    Sig made by Nour(DarkDemon.org)
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  3. #3
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    Re: Consternation

    Feed back? I want to make my next short story better, so I need to know what to improve on.
    [center:3a1kmh8b][/center:3a1kmh8b]

  4. #4
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    Re: Consternation

    It was all really well done until the second to last paragraph.

    "No emocian."
    No emotion.*

    "I stood, a statue, showing what real fear was shown as."
    Ewww. Please redo this, it is clunky and inflowing. Using shown and showing in the same sentence probably doesn't help.

    Also, I don't know about you but one "shadowing" the floor makes it sound as though the character is floating. And later on you say he creeps when in full vision. Perhaps a rethink on those?

    Otherwise I really enjoyed it, you have your own distinctive voice and a lot of potential. Keep writing.

  5. #5
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    Re: Consternation

    You've got pure talent, I'm awestruck in amazement at this. No advice accept that don't stop, and give santa cookies so you get presents.

  6. #6
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    Re: Consternation

    Quote Originally Posted by Green
    You've got pure talent, I'm awestruck in amazement at this. No advice accept that don't stop, and give santa cookies so you get presents.
    But those are MY cookies :C
    [center:3a1kmh8b][/center:3a1kmh8b]

  7. #7
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    Re: Consternation

    It was good, though things like "taking another inhalation" sound a little like you were just trying to fit in a more sophisticated word, and could flow much better with different one, or at least reworded.

    Also I thought "sleeping on the unforgiving kitchen floor" sounded a little funny, haha. Why is the kitchen floor unforgiving? Especially since you describe this as the enjoyable choice, and juxtaposed to the former horror a kitchen floor seems a bit tame. It just feels like unnecessary detail, as well as being sort of silly.

    I'm being picky, but in a story as short as this its kind of necessary.
    Really, good job though as a whole.
    [center:3346oc0h][/center:3346oc0h]
    [center:3346oc0h]Blog Anims Art[/center:3346oc0h]

  8. #8
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    Re: Consternation

    I liked it alot. The only part that bothered me was the extreme juxtaposition between your story and CodeMachine's. They were both primarily the same subject. However, they were both Great stories. It does not help me that there is a thunder storm right now... Anyways, I want to put my story on DD but I'm way too lazy.

    7/10
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    Ground Zero[/center:2nulsz1v]


 

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