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  1. #1
    Sup
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    birthday time :D

    So yeah i made this short story for my English class. i blew it of to the last second so i just wanted to see what you guys think of it :0 I dont mind if your harsh i need that kind of criticism. Just dont be like "OMFG U SUK EGS DUNT MEK MOR STRYS11! Also, it had to be somthing that made you think of somthing for a while so yeah.


    I still the remember like it was a week ago. The day I needed my real friends the most. And luckily, they were there.

    It was my 6th birthday and I had invited seven of my friends, James, Cole, Cody, Mitchell, Hunter, Andrew, and Chase to come over to my house for a birthday party. I was very happy and hoping for awesome presents from my friends. Once they got here we got started with some games. The first game was leap frog. There were two teams and the first team to get to the finish line at the end of my yard was the winner. Of course, everybody wanted to be on my team so we decided to change the teams each time we played.

    After several rounds, my mom got these big plastic guns and started to put tennis shaped plastic balls in them. We all got really exited and were wondering what we are going to do next. She gave us each a gun and about eight balls with them and she told all of us to go the back yard and to get in a corner. At this point we all knew what we were doing, (well, sort of. We knew that it was going to be some free for all shooting game of some sort.) So the only thing she said was that when you get hit three times you are out for the round and the last one standing wins. ďThreeÖ Two Ö One Ö. Go!!Ē my mom yelled. And we all started shooting like mad men.

    After shooting for a little while I decided to take cover behind a large tree that had a split in it so that I can shoot through the split. The only bad thing about the game was that when you run out of ammo, you have to get your own balls for the gun. So whenever I run out, I look for anyone that is shooting at me. If there arenít any, I run really fast, get as much balls as I can and run back to the tree. After doing this several times I looked to see who was out. No one. At that point I was bored of doing the same thing so I tried to sneak up on Andrew. All of a sudden I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and I freak out. It was Chase with a gun at my head. I run so fast that I didnít even pay attention to where I was going, although I should have.

    While Iím running, I trip over a rock, fall into the woods and my arm lands on a tree. Pain. I start wailing out as hard as I can and all my friends drop their guns and rush over to me. With blood all over my arm, they drag me and lay me on the ground. At this point my mom was no where to be found. I told them to go get my mom and that she is probably inside. Andrew and Mitchell go in to find my mom, while the others stay here. I see my mom pick me up and the others slowly behind. I can see blood dripping from my arm.

    The next thing I know, Iím laying on my bed with a cold sack on my arm with all of my friends next to me. And the next thing I realize is that I actually knew the meaning of a friendship. People who care for and have fun with you. When I look back at this I remember what a painful but amazing experience it was. And I finally found out what a friend meant for me.
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  2. #2
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    Re: birthday time :D

    My names Andrew ;D, anyway I liked the story not because its exciting or anything like that but because I could picture it perfectly even though you dind't put in a shitload of detail which drags it on to long.
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    [center:1e3e9dtr]Thank you )(nUmB for the avvie,Will&#39;s awsome also <.<[/center:1e3e9dtr]

  3. #3
    Veteran Enthusiast Yadda's Avatar


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    Re: birthday time :D

    It was pretty anti-climatic IMO

    Your main character just tripped and fell, had a bloody arm and his mum came to fetch him. I know this is trying to keep as close to reality as possible, but since the setting was in the woods, perhaps you should have had the character fall down a rocky slope. Perhaps even holding onto a ledge for dear life.

    I dunno, just seemed a bit boring to me, you gave us a reason to read it by saying:
    "...The day I needed my real friends the most. And luckily, they were there."
    And then you gave it a bland ending.

    I suppose you have a good story structure, anyway. Keep at it.


  4. #4
    Sup
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    Re: birthday time :D

    Quote Originally Posted by Yadda
    It was pretty anti-climatic IMO

    Your main character just tripped and fell, had a bloody arm and his mum came to fetch him. I know this is trying to keep as close to reality as possible, but since the setting was in the woods, perhaps you should have had the character fall down a rocky slope. Perhaps even holding onto a ledge for dear life.

    I dunno, just seemed a bit boring to me, you gave us a reason to read it by saying:
    "...The day I needed my real friends the most. And luckily, they were there."
    And then you gave it a bland ending.

    I suppose you have a good story structure, anyway. Keep at it.
    well im the main character was really me though and it was supposed to be a memoir
    Thanks for the awesome comment!

    it helped me alot
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