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  1. #1
    Enthusiast Moshed Potatoes's Avatar

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    The Devil's Reject

    "Hello Miss," Chiaroscuro said as she walked up to the unsuspecting woman. "What is your name?"
    "Mary," the girl replied. She seemed nervous. Lucy had randomly sat next to this woman, but she had her motives really. This girl looked very similar to Lucy. The same dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and certain charm. Only this girl was tall and lean and didnít have numerous tattoos. Pretty bitch is gonna die!
    "Oh what a pretty name!" Lucy replied surreptitiously. "Would you like to sing a song with me?" Yes sing a song.
    Mary looked at her with an annoyed look. It was obvious she did not want to. "Sure," she said sarcastically, not sounding too thrilled with this. Lucy squealed in delight. Walked into my trap.
    "Okay! You can choose the first song!" Yes. Choose wisely.
    "First song?"
    "Yes. There will be many. First you'll sing a song, then I'll sing one, and if you're still up for it, we can sing another one!"
    "Sure," Mary still did not sound like she was having fun. Have fun damn it. You'll be having loads of it soon enough.
    "Okay, go!" Lucy replied. Make it quick.
    Mary sighed and took a deep breath. She sang like she would to a five-year-old, only sounding less happy. "The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain and the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again....Happy now?" Don't you talk to me like that.
    "Oh yes, very." Can't say the same for you. Lucy snapped her fingers and a wall of fire went up around them. Two more bonds of fire sprung around Mary to keep her from moving away from the bench. She started screaming. Scream, scream for me.
    "It's my turn to sing a song!" Lucy cried to the shy. "Are you ready for it, Mary?" Mary continued to scream, her voice carrying over the billowing fire. The yells of other people were drifting their way to Lucy's ears.
    "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black...." The fire was charring Mary's clothes. Lucy summoned her Keyblade, but instead of to her hand she summoned it a few feet away, outside of the fire. "Had a knife, knife, knife..." the Keyblade shot towards Mary, impaling her. "....Stuck in her back, back, back." Mary took in a large breath and started gasping for air. "She can not breathe, breathe, breath. She can not cry, cry, cry. That's why she begs, begs, BEGS TO DIE!!!" Lucy's normal smile was changed into that of an insane person. She laughed loudly and summoned her Keyblade to her hand, leaving Mary's wound clean. Lucy let the fire drop back to the floor, and released Mary. Immediately she got up and ran. Lucy laughed, as her blood trailed behind her on the floor. While Mary ran, Lucy walked, following her.
    Mary ran to a square in the town, where there was an orchestra playing. She ran up the stairs of the gazebo and ran to the back of the musicians, all of which stood up in alarm. Mary spewed nonsense, pointing wildly at Lucy as she followed up the stairs. The musicians turned to look at Lucy, giving her strong glares. As she walked past the empty seats of the musical artists, some of the more cowardly ones moved away, all except one, who held onto Mary with dear might.
    "You won't hurt my wife any more!" he yelled to her. Lucy squatted down to be eye level with the man.
    "What do you play, sir?" Lucy asked politely.
    "A-a violin," he replied, his angry face still bright as day.
    "...good." Lucy grabbed his hand and pried it off of his wife's body. He strained his fingers and arms in a desperate attempt to get away from the large piece of broken glass Lucy held in her hand. "So you need these fingers, right?" Her insane smile grew and grew until her grin was almost inhuman. He screamed as Lucy pressed the glass to his ring finger and pushed it in, his finger being discarded after she met the other side. The man screamed and cried as she repeated the process four more times. Right when she was done with his pointer finger she heard the c**k of a gun behind her head.
    "Step away from them." Shit.
    Lucy stood up with her hands up and turned to face the barrel of the gun that was at her forehead. Her smile remained, as the put her in handcuffs and led her to a police car.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    "Lucy Barrington-"
    "That's not my real name you know."
    The judge paused, slightly baffled.
    "Lucy Barrington-" he continued. "Under the charges of the murder, torture and mutilation of Mary Valli and Carver Valli respectively, I hereby sentence you to life in prison."
    "That's not all I've done."
    "Get her out of here."
    "Wait," Lucy said loudly. "I want you all to know something." She paused and cleared her throat. "I have escaped from prison once before. I have escaped from windowless rooms, straight jackets, and guarded cells. What's putting me in one more? If I've escaped before, I will, for sure, do it again." Her grin turned wild and she said to the court room:

    "I am the devil's reject, but I am here to do the devil's work."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------

    Just a little something I wrote for my character Lucy...she's awesome 8D Crit/Comments welcome. Flames with get punched in the balls.
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  2. #2
    #1 KUMIHO Ahri's Avatar

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    Re: The Devil's Reject

    Awesome story, but I didn't like, cause it was too violent. But that's just me.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Re: The Devil's Reject

    Wow, That was graphic... I loved it, like a great book it put such detailed pictures into the mind (though not always good ones).
    [center:2ized09w]
    Credit to Mr Bond for the avatar, I've been singing the theme song for 3 years now

    I sence a new fad coming on...[/center:2ized09w]

  4. #4
    Fanatic Enthusiast Alcyone's Avatar

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    Re: The Devil's Reject

    I really hated it, personally. Well, not really just... i didn't like it.

    "Hello Miss," Chiaroscuro said as she walked up to the unsuspecting woman. "What is your name?"
    "Mary," the girl replied. She seemed nervous. Lucy had randomly sat next to this woman, but she had her motives really. This girl looked very similar to Lucy. The same dark blonde hair, blue eyes, and certain charm. Only this girl was tall and lean and didnít have numerous tattoos. Pretty bitch is gonna die!
    She wants to kill the woman because she's prettier than her? explain more, who is Lucy, what does she do, why does she want to kill this woman?

    "Oh what a pretty name!" Lucy replied surreptitiously. "Would you like to sing a song with me?" Yes sing a song.
    What person would accept to sing a song with a stranger?

    Lucy snapped her fingers and a wall of fire went up around them. Two more bonds of fire sprung around Mary to keep her from moving away from the bench. She started screaming. Scream, scream for me.
    How'd she do that? Is she a witch or something? You didn't explain.

    There's quite alot more but the one thing i like is the amount of gore you put in it. That was cool.
    [tn=560:1296vzj9]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/makeover2.png[/tn:1296vzj9]

  5. #5
    Fanatic Enthusiast

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    Re: The Devil's Reject

    If you would so care, could you perhaps add a touch more to her background story? I don't quite get how she is able to "summon fire" and stab somebody with a "keyblade". also, thats pretty unoriginal, a keyblade, been done before, sorry.

    Also, you might want to add a tiny bit more adjectives, they always go well with gory stories

    And to top it off, I rather liked it, but the fact that she stops to a mere gun barrel to her head, when she is "the devils reject" is rather unbelievable. Why doesnt she just toast the guy with the gun?

    But, like I said, I rather liked it
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero

    [/center:1n34a6n7]
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero, the first of one of my many CYOA's.
    Click the top part of the signature, and try to get out alive.[/center:1n34a6n7]

  6. #6
    Junior Member
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    Re: The Devil's Reject

    Hey guys! So because Dixtana doesn't come on the site very much, I thought I'd answer your questions for you. Dixtana and I are a part of another role playing forum based off of the video games Kingdom Hearts and the Final Fantasy games. Lucy is one of Dixtana characters who is 1. frighteningly strong physically, 2. able to use fire as a type of magic weapon, 3. fights with a keyblade (part of her character being based off of Kingdom Hearts) and 4. is completely and utterly INSANE! The point of the story was to show how crazy she was.

    Dixtana I told you this when I first read it and I'll say it again...it made me shudder. Knowing exactly what she is capable of makes me nervous everytime I rp with her. Great job.
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  7. #7
    Enthusiast Moshed Potatoes's Avatar

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    Re: The Devil's Reject

    Thanks everyone for your critique.

    RedTailWolf - Thanks for your input
    TheUberPivotGeek - Thanks for the comment
    Lolman > - Thanks for the critique ^^ And I will explain. Lucy is insane. The smallest thing will set her off, even someone being prettier than she is. Mary accepted to sing the song because she was humoring Lucy, and didn't want to offend her. She is not so much a witch.. more just a magician. And thank you for the gore comment. It's pretty fun to write. Collab sometime maybe?
    Noogai131 - Thanks for critique. She is magic and a fanfiction character for Kingdom Hearts. And yes I agree. Adjectives are good. And Lucy stopped with the gun barrel to her head for a reason. She likes messing with people. In the end it says she's escaped from captivity many times before. Whats one more time to her? And thanks for the comment/critique
    And Kaia- STFU, I come on here plenty D:< I check it plenty of times a day. ily~
    [center:3nsymvr2]
    Writing|Animations|Tumblr[/center:3nsymvr2]


 

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