Hello and welcome to our community! Is this your first visit?
Register
Results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. #1
    Enthusiast

    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Posts
    1,341

    Love at second sight-

    Love at second sight
    ------------------
    I knew it the moment I saw her. It was 2 years ago in Saint Andrew's high school. I met her in the principal's office because I bullied a middle school student. She recieved a letter from the principal as i watch her sitting on the couch.
    I really wanted to know what was in the letter. So i decided to sneak to her bag and see what was inside the letter. "What are you doing?"I heard. I turn back didn't even saw the letter yet seeing the girl."uhh....nothing?" I replied as i hide the letter in my pocket.It seems like she didn't realize yet the i took the letter."That's no nothing, you are doing something in front of my bag" she replied."I...was..Yeah i was taking a look at your bag" I replied as i look straightley in to her eyes. And then i suddenly had a feeling of a heart rumbling. I noticed her beauty that day. Her beautiful hair sparkled as her eyes shine. I knew it the moment i saw her.
    It was...Love at second sight.

    I will continue it..later
    [center:2ki2oi3b]Made a thread in VIP, 12 minutes later. Locked[/center:2ki2oi3b][center:2ki2oi3b]People call me wanker, you should too.[/center:2ki2oi3b]

  2. #2
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    2,977

    Re: Love at second sight-

    First off, there's no build up at all, making the story have less of an impact. You have to have some sort of "platform" built before you can dive into the main plot of the chapter. Maybe make him stand outside the office, and catch her eye. Make them exchange a few smiles before he steals the letter.

    Secondly, if you're going to write a love story, it helps if you make the main character lovable and sweet. Making him a bully isn't doing much there, unless he does it because he has issues or something. I'm sure if you fiddled around with your character, you could make the whole bully thing work.

    Although you get the point of the story across pretty clearly, there's a serious lack of descriptive words. I don't even know what she looks like, or why it was "love at second sight". You have to describe the characters and enviroment early in the story, so that the reader can build up a suitable picture in their heads.

    Although you have to work on a lot of things, it wasn't a painful story. Continue it, and take my criticism into consideration.
    what is homo love?

  3. #3
    Enthusiast

    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Posts
    1,341

    Re: Love at second sight-

    Quote Originally Posted by Hazzystan
    First off, there's no build up at all, making the story have less of an impact. You have to have some sort of "platform" built before you can dive into the main plot of the chapter. Maybe make him stand outside the office, and catch her eye. Make them exchange a few smiles before he steals the letter.

    Secondly, if you're going to write a love story, it helps if you make the main character lovable and sweet. Making him a bully isn't doing much there, unless he does it because he has issues or something. I'm sure if you fiddled around with your character, you could make the whole bully thing work.

    Although you get the point of the story across pretty clearly, there's a serious lack of descriptive words. I don't even know what she looks like, or why it was "love at second sight". You have to describe the characters and enviroment early in the story, so that the reader can build up a suitable picture in their heads.

    Although you have to work on a lot of things, it wasn't a painful story. Continue it, and take my criticism into consideration.
    Thanks, i will try to change it
    [center:2ki2oi3b]Made a thread in VIP, 12 minutes later. Locked[/center:2ki2oi3b][center:2ki2oi3b]People call me wanker, you should too.[/center:2ki2oi3b]

  4. #4
    #1 KUMIHO Ahri's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Fields of Justice
    Posts
    3,702

    Re: Love at second sight-

    It's a little short, and there aren't many descriptions. You could have described the room, the girl, or many others.
    I see potential just above the horizon, keep it up.

  5. #5
    Enthusiast

    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Cape Coral Florida
    Posts
    1,540

    Re: Love at second sight-

    put lots of descriptions that totally make the reader hot for the protagonists crush. also, describe the main character well, you could make him seem more out of her reach


 

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •