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  1. #1
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    The man from Darkdemon.

    A man stands, in the middle of a feild of corn, the surrounding Stalks withered, decaying. where has this man come from, what has he come for, and why have All liveing things in his immediate area withered and died?

    I dont know. If I get some comments, or ideas, ill finish it off.
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero

    [/center:1n34a6n7]
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero, the first of one of my many CYOA's.
    Click the top part of the signature, and try to get out alive.[/center:1n34a6n7]

  2. #2
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Re: The man from Darkdemon.

    Lol, you only wrote 2 lines. I'll give CC anyway.

    There were a few spelling mistakes in there, maybe have a spellchecker open when you're writing to double check words. I liked your word choice, but you used "Withered" Twice in 2 lines, which doesn't really sound that great. Maybe replace the second "Withered" With something like "Shriveled". It also really helps to have an online thesaurus handy in another tab when you're writing so the vocabulary of your story is wider, and the words don't get too repetitive.
    what is homo love?

  3. #3
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    Re: The man from Darkdemon.

    Well, thanks for the CC, i did this as a last minute thing before i went to bed, so i knew there would be spelling errors, im thinking of making this a story about Darkdemon.

    My english teacher told me i had a way with words, im just too lazy to write them :P

    Any thoughts on what should happen next?
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero

    [/center:1n34a6n7]
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero, the first of one of my many CYOA's.
    Click the top part of the signature, and try to get out alive.[/center:1n34a6n7]

  4. #4
    Veteran Enthusiast Slashed's Avatar



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    Re: The man from Darkdemon.

    Me and SA made 30 pages of a book based around the DD world waaayyy back.

    If you want to take a look I'll put it up here. Though the grammar and spelling is HORRIBLE (this really was about 4 years back). It was a first person past tense thing from my perspective, but it has like, 2 banned members, and a bunch who have left :P

  5. #5
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    Re: The man from Darkdemon.

    That'd be kul.

    Im thinking of restarting the WHOLE story, its pretty crap for a start. I can do MUCH better then this piece of shit.
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero

    [/center:1n34a6n7]
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero, the first of one of my many CYOA's.
    Click the top part of the signature, and try to get out alive.[/center:1n34a6n7]

  6. #6
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    Re: The man from Darkdemon.

    A man stands, in the middle of a feild of corn, the surrounding Stalks withered, decaying. where has this man come from, what has he come for, and why have All liveing things in his immediate area withered and died?
    Aside from spelling and grammar issues, these sentences just don't flow nicely. Let me try to fix it a little...
    A man stands in the center of a cornfield, the surrounding stalks withered, decaying. All living things around him have withered away and died. Where is he from and what does he want?
    Although they aren't perfect, I think most people will agree that my paragraph is better. Some words just don't flow nicely with the rest of the paragraph. Just read over the bit, maybe out loud, and see how it feels to read. Some of the words you were using were too, say, formal. Like immediate. Reading your paragraph, it feels like I'm a general in an army reporting on an enemy bogie or something.
    The last sentance is too repetative. "where has this man come from, what has he come for, and why have All liveing things in his immediate area withered and died?"
    It seems repetitive, doesn't it?
    Well I'm tired of typing, so good luck with the story.

  7. #7
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    Re: The man from Darkdemon.

    THanks gawdzilla, much appreciated.

    Ill start redoing my story some time later today.
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero

    [/center:1n34a6n7]
    [center:1n34a6n7]Ground Zero, the first of one of my many CYOA's.
    Click the top part of the signature, and try to get out alive.[/center:1n34a6n7]


 

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