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Thread: Death.

  1. #1
    Fanatic Enthusiast Alcyone's Avatar

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    Death.

    Winter, PM me your chapter and i'll add it in the first post.


    Chapter one.
    [Acemonkid]

    Blood was flowing out onto the parking lot, Marina was crouching next to her dieing friend, sobbing into his chest. There was a gaping hole in his lower stomach and private parts. Must've hurt. Daniel, that was Marina's friends name. Daniel. A name that would be sobbed over, Daniel's last words were "Tell my parents." It wasn't much, But Marina knew what he meant, he meant for her to tell his parents that he died.

    Poor Daniel. He got shot by a shotgun, by a man with a blood-stained mask that looked like a clown. There were holes where the eyes should be, where his blue, piercing eyes could be seen. Always smiling as he held the shotgun. He walked towards Marina, who had forgot all about the killer. Snap. She came to her senses.

    "Fuck you!" she screamed. "You killed him! Why? Why? Why?" She screamed louder and louder, hoping some help would come. But the parking lot was dark, empty. Abandoned.

    Chapter 2.
    [Winter]

    Ava was the one who ran. She saw the clown before the others but had no intention of warning them. Her words stuck fast in her throat, and air could hardly escape. And she ran, ran past the park, and the picnic tables, and past the playgrounds, down the small hill and towards the recreation center. But even at such a distance she heard the shotgun blast that blew her friend apart.

    Ava approached the doors to the recreation center and started banging on the entrance doors. "Someone help me!!!" She screamed to the air. Her voice could carry far years of choir ensured that and it for sure should have made it into the building.

    Before she could utter another word, a gunshot shattered the glass and another girl dressed a porcelain doll, with a ruby colored frilly dress stood behind the counter. She around and her stone cold blue eyes pierced Ava. In her straight, outstretched arm, a silver revolver was in her hand. "Please do not scream. You are breaking my concentration." She spoke, almost robotically.
    [tn=560:1296vzj9]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/makeover2.png[/tn:1296vzj9]

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast theMotion's Avatar

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    Re: Death.

    Nice story.
    Good use of words.
    The villain/murderer sounds great.
    But it's a little generic.
    Clowns are so overused as villains/murderers.
    Continue it.

  3. #3
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Re: Death.

    Quote Originally Posted by Acemonkid
    Winter, PM me your chapter and i'll add it in the first post.


    Chapter one.
    [Acemonkid]

    [u]Blood was flowing out onto the parking lot, Marina was crouching next to her [s:201ku0qn]dieing[/s:201ku0qn]- Dying* friend, sobbing into his chest. There was a gaping hole in his lower stomach and [s:201ku0qn]private parts[/s:201ku0qn]-"Private parts" doesn't really flow well, try something like "Groin". Must've hurt. Daniel, that was Marina's friends name. Daniel. A name that would be sobbed over, Daniel's last words were "Tell my parents." It wasn't much, But Marina knew what he meant, he meant for her to tell his parents that he died.

    [s:201ku0qn]Poor Daniel. He got shot by a shotgun[/s:201ku0qn]-"Poor Daniel. Killed by a shotgun" Would go better. "Shot by a shotgun" Sounds icky. [s:201ku0qn], by a man with a blood-stained mask that looked like a clown.[/s:201ku0qn]-"by a masked figure, resembling a clown" Something like that would sound a little better. Try thinking about the sentence you're going to write, then rephrasing it to make it sound better. [s:201ku0qn]There were holes where the eyes should be, where his blue, piercing eyes could be seen.[/s:201ku0qn] - Now this doesn't really make sense. First you imply that he has no eyes, then you talk about his eyes Always smiling as he held the shotgun. He walked towards Marina, who had forgot all about the killer. Snap. She came to her senses.

    "Fuck you!" she screamed. "You killed him! Why? Why? Why?" She screamed louder and louder, hoping some help would come. But the parking lot was dark, empty. Abandoned.
    You still need to work a lot on phrasing your story to make it flow better, but the length of the sentences had good variation.
    what is homo love?

  4. #4
    Fanatic Enthusiast Alcyone's Avatar

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    Re: Death.

    Updated.
    [tn=560:1296vzj9]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/makeover2.png[/tn:1296vzj9]

  5. #5
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    Re: Death.

    loving this, please keep going you're both really good at creating an eerie, mysterious theme. it's mesmerising, honestly.
    [center:i1rc08nc][img]http://**********.com/img/1232268899.png[/img][/center:i1rc08nc]
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  6. #6
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    Re: Death.

    Nice bump brohole. 10 days, holy hell. Lock please?


 

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