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Thread: My new story

  1. #1
    Fanatic Enthusiast Phazon's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jan 2009

    My new story

    Tis called KNIGHTS

    Heres a taster.

    The room was as black as the night. No sound was heard, apart from the soft, drip,drip,drip of a droplet of water, seeping through the walls. A man entered the room via a long wooden staircase at the corner of the room.
    He held a lantern , and shone it towards the back wall, he walked up to the object and brushed dirt of it. He gazed down, at his helmet, the one he wore, when he was
    a Knight...

    -... .- - - .-.. . --.. --- -. .
    "The longest, most intense first-person shooter animation in all of Pivot history..."
    726 frames - and I'm still animating the prologue

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Stef's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Credits to Osprey for the sig and Underground for avatar

    Re: My new story

    Nice beginning but I think it might be longer... althought I like the idea
    Like a rolling stone

  3. #3
    Fanatic Enthusiast

    Join Date
    May 2007

    Re: My new story

    Well, it was an o.k. Idea. Kinda short to judge, but I'll judge it anyways.

    The room was as black as the night
    'As' in this sentence is not necessarily wrong, it just is un-needed. Others could argue, but I think it would be better without.
    apart from the soft, drip,drip,drip, of a droplet of water,
    Take out the first coma, add in one after the third drip. Also I think something sounds.. repetitive about 'droplet of water' and.. it doesn't really tell us where the water is coming from. maybe change it to 'old rusty drainpipe' or 'a broken off spicket'.
    seeping through the walls
    What? Maybe it's just me, but I'm confused.
    room via a long wooden staircase
    Via? too formal. more like, 'A man enterered the room walking down a long wooden staircase' or 'A man walked down the creaky stairs of an old staircase'..
    he walked up to the object and brushed dirt of it.
    All of the sudden you mentioned the object. change 'the' to 'an'.
    when he was
    a Knight...
    There is no need for a new line.. but i guess its not really wrong. But Knight shouldn't be capitalized.
    So those were some errors, but other than that... um it was pretty good. Not all that original, but you could build off of this to be a good story.


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