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  1. #1
    Veteran Enthusiast

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    Consternation II

    Read: I did not copy CodeMachine's The Night of the Psychoneurotic II. The original Consternation was inspired by it, but two has a complete different plot. The reason I wrote a sequel is because in my Creative Writing course, we were told to write a short story. This was the first idea that came to my mind. So all, please do not flame and keep from reading the story just because Psychoneurotic II was written first, even if it is better.
    [center:6tucgaj0][s:6tucgaj0]CONSTERNATiON II[/s:6tucgaj0]
    Chapter I

    I awoke. Pain thrashing around my skull, pounding so blisteringly fast I couldn't tell if I was alive or not. I had scads of negative adrenaline coursing through my veins. My stomach was churning with pain. I can't remember when was the last time I had eaten. Come to think of it, I couldn't remember anything. Or at least very little. All I could recall was that I'm 13, exhausted, and that something was clearly wrong with me.

    After a minute, my headache started to die down. I then realized I couldn't see. Could it be possible that I was blind? My question was fleetingly answered when dark images started to fade in. but everything looked shaded. The Then it pummeled me as I realized all I could see was pitch black a dark shades of red. It was as if I had maroon food coloring dyed into my eye sockets. After taking in what I had recently discovered multiple faulty I had, I started to try and stir my maiming limbs. It took a lingering strive to be able to just to progress my right arm from its resting place for who knows how long.

    Finally, my body moved it the correct motion, they figured out how to work in unison and stand. I stood at a steady pace to avoid falling and injuring myself even further. My arms pushed off the ground and I was up. I shuffled my legs and I crept forward across the cracking, dirty sullied tile ground. I was given a sudden jolt when my foot struck something solid. I paused and scanned the ground for the cause of the unforeseen shake.

    After a moment of studying the floor, I noticed the small, dark figure laying perhaps no more that two feet in front of me. I bent my weak body over to get a better look. When it was in touching range, I extended my arm towards it. Its cold plating sent shivers up my bones as it came into contact with my skin. I pulled back quickly, but then felt the lower half off it. My spindly fingers wrapped around what seemed to be the handle, which was made out of rotting, wet wood. My arm retracted when I felt that it was fully in my clutch's. When it came into vision, I studied it. It was a butcher's knife, and there was a dark, almost black red liquid dripping from the end. I loosened my grip and noticed a shape of a red hand print on the handle.

    My hand print.[/center:6tucgaj0]
    [center:3a1kmh8b][/center:3a1kmh8b]

  2. #2
    Enthusiast SuperSTi's Avatar

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    Re: Consternation II

    Generally, you're trying way too hard with the vocab, stop trying to impress your teacher or whatever.

    Here's just a list of errors etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    After taking in what I had recently discovered multiple faulty I had
    Here, I honestly have no idea what you're saying.
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    maiming limbs.
    Here I'm assuming you meant, "maimed."
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    It took a lingering strive
    This also makes absolutely no sense, I'm assuming you just threw some vocabulary words together.
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    I shuffled my legs and I crept forward across the cracking, dirty, sullied tile ground.
    Add that comma in there.
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    I paused and scanned the ground for the cause of the unforeseen shake.
    I'm not sure if it's just me, but I have no idea what shake you're talking about.
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    When it was in touching range,
    Reach? Come on, trying too hard again.
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    clutch's.
    Clutches. It's not in possession of your "clutch."
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    scads
    ?
    Trying too hard again. If it's not necessary to use an obscure word, then don't. It certainly wasn't necessary there.
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    The Then it pummeled me
    Typo, obviously.
    Quote Originally Posted by Awstun
    to fade in. but everything looked shaded.
    Another typo.

    As for the story, it was okay but that plot is getting old at this point.
    [center:3346oc0h][/center:3346oc0h]
    [center:3346oc0h]Blog Anims Art[/center:3346oc0h]


 

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