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  1. #1
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    Guardian Angels: UPDATE

    So with the help of Winter, we were able to come up with a pretty cool idea for a story (mostly it was her idea though). I finished the prologue and I thought I'd post it here.

    WARNING: It hasn't been officially editted so grammar and spelling corrections are welcomed but please don't be rude.


    The sky was starless and the trees protected the forest floor from any
    kind of light. The air seemed to have a life of its own; dense and ice
    cold. Every branch, every leaf seemed to reach out and grab at her.
    Vicious expressions were depicted in the trees that surrounded her. Every
    plant looked as black as the sky causing the path to be shrouded in a
    never ending pool of darkness. Trees rushed by her quickly, clipping her
    shoulder of her cheek every time she would pass another one. Her vision
    was distorted from the tears streaming down her cheeks as well as the
    sweat dripping down the sides of her face.

    She ran faster and faster, running from the heavy creature that chased
    her. She could not remember how long she had been running for but her legs
    were sore and grew weaker by the second. She was gasping for air but never
    seemed to catch her breath. It felt as if her fear was being fueled by her
    life energy; slowly but surely sliping away from her. Sweat caused her
    gold hair to stick to the sides of her face like glue and as much as she
    tried, she was not able to think of anything except how frightened she
    was. The panic and fear was like boiling water in her stomach. It burned
    and teared at the inside of her body, scalding and intense. She knew she
    could run forever and never stop as long as this sharp and painful fear
    lay within her.

    Her thoughts raced threw her brain, analysing all the possiblities. She
    could turn and face her opponent yet she had no weapon but she could not
    stand the thought of being chased for an eternity. Luckily the choice was
    made for her. She soon was faced with a dead end. A frighteningly large
    wall of fallen rocks blocked her path. The wall, clearly the result of a
    rock slide, kept her from escaping into the vast black forest. Still
    panting, she turned around, her green eyes wide and frightened. She saw
    nothing and for a moment thought she heard nothing but she was wrong. In
    the seconds of silence, all she could hear was her own heart beat drumming
    on her brain. Suddenly, an ear shattering roar broke through the air
    around her only to be followed by the sound of extremely heavy feet
    hitting the ground at a very fast speed.

    Her heart pounds faster and louder in her ears. Her breathing excelerated
    yet she could not move. Her fear had paralyzed her, unable to do anything
    except curl her hands into fists but not even the sharp pain of her nails
    digging into her skin could distract her from the terrifying creature that
    would soon loom before her. It moved closer and closer, the heavy feet
    slowing as it reached its prey. Unable to contain the fear that burned her
    body, she let it escape from her mouth in the form of an earshattering
    shriek. The sound was as sharp as a screeching eagle and as painful as
    thousands of needles stabbing her brain. Her scream echoed over a vast
    amount of space, causing birds to fly from their nest in the trees and
    toward the sky where they hoped to be free of this wretched noise. She had
    to cover her own ears to protect herself from the volume of the scream she
    could no longer control.

    When she was finally able to control the terrible sound, her paralysis
    took hold again causing her to become rooted to the spot only able to
    listen to see hear if the end was coming. She stood for at least ten
    minutes trying to hear whatever it was she had heard before and was very
    confused to hear nothing. The heavy feet had stopped pounding against the
    forest floor as well as the speed of her heart. The violent drummer in her
    head slowed as well, leaving only a dull pain as a memory of her fear. She
    felt as cold as ice and as heavy as a mountain.

    Now completely confused, she started moving into the forest to try and
    find the creature that had caused her so much fear but when she found it,
    she wished she had just left the issue alone. There, in the middle of the
    forest floor was the most magnificent creature she had ever seen. The ink
    black leopard lay gracefully in the dirt, its coat untouched by the filthy
    soil beneath it. Every muscle in its body sleek and toned, every feature
    in its face looked like it was carved from marble. And he was dead. The
    glorious wild cat of the jungle was now dead, blood streaming from its
    ears. It took her a moment to realize what had happened but when she did,
    it took all her strength not to vomit.

    She had killed the poor creature. Her earth crushing scream had been the
    death of the large cat. Unable to look at the animal's body anymore, she
    ran. She ignored her body's screams and aches for she could think of
    nothing more than getting herself as far away as possible. She wasn't sure
    where she was running and what it would actually do to help but she could
    not look at the vacant yellow eyes without a stone of guilt settling in
    her stomach.

    Good job Raizel, she heard a voice echo above her. Keep an eye on
    Josephine. She'll be a handful.


    That was the last thing she heard before the forest around her faded out
    and she began to awaken.


    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  2. #2
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    Re: Guardian Angels

    Woa, nice. I felt like I was reading a real published book by some famous author.
    Just a couple things I want to point out though.
    Red are corrections, Blue are comments.
    She knew not whether she should turn and face whatever it was that was chasing her or just to keep running, I think that this is needed, but I'm not sure. It's an easy mistake to make... but luckily for her, she didn’t have to make that choice. She soon was faced with a dead end. It looked like there had been a serious Maybe it's just me, but I'm not liking the "Serious" part. It sounds like what a couple of nucklehead 14-year-olds would say. But that's your oppinion. rock slide and now there was a wall of rock blocking off this part of the forest.
    It erupted from her mouth like a volcano slipping boiling and deadly lava
    Huh? I like to see new and exciting Similes, but... Erupting like a volcano? Maybe it's just me, but.. I just dunno. It just seems odd.
    The heavy feet had stopped pounding against the forest floor as well as the speed of her heart. Along with the steps she had heard, her abnormal heart rate deceased.
    You said the same thing twice.
    Good job Raizel, she heard a voice echo above her. Keep an eye on Elizabeth. She’ll be a handful.

    That was the last thing she heard before the forest around her faded out and she began to awaken.
    Maybe later in the story this will be explained, but as of now, I have absolutely no Idea wtf this is talking about.

    Now that that's out of the way, here it goes.
    You are very good with descriptive words, similes, metaphors, and so on. You're descriptive language was great, I really felt like I was there.
    I liked it.. good job.

  3. #3
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    Re: Guardian Angels

    Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much Gawdzilla! Your edits were spot on and I really appreciate your honesty. I made the edits you suggested and I hope you like it better. And you're not suppose to know what's going on ^^ I'll post more maybe this weekend.
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  4. #4
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    Re: Guardian Angels

    No problem, good luck on the rest.

  5. #5
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Re: Guardian Angels

    Actually, Gawdzilla I think your CC was a little inaccurate. Maybe the narrator of the story is a knucklehead 14-year-old, or SummerArsenal meant to write it casually. Not all writing styles are completely formal, you know.
    [svwm65zq]Another thing that I noticed: she didn't write the same thing more than once. She just mentioned her heartbeat, then went into more detail.[/svwm65zq] Yeah, you're right.

    I'm not going to give CC on your story, since Gawdzilla pretty much covered most of it. Good job though, keep writing.
    what is homo love?

  6. #6
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    Re: Guardian Angels

    Quote Originally Posted by Hazzystan
    Actually, Gawdzilla I think your CC was a little inaccurate. Maybe the narrator of the story is a knucklehead 14-year-old, or SummerArsenal meant to write it casually. Not all writing styles are completely formal, you know.
    Another thing that I noticed: she didn't write the same thing more than once. She just mentioned her heartbeat, then went into more detail.

    I'm not going to give CC on your story, since Gawdzilla pretty much covered most of it. Good job though, keep writing.
    The heavy feet had stopped pounding against the forest floor
    Along with the steps she had heard...deceased.
    stopped poundin... heart.
    her abnormal heart rate deceased.
    They seem the same to me.

    The description of the girl was that of a graceful person, with gold hair. Most likely, not a nucklehead 14 year old.

    But whatever. That's just my oppinion. Summer, if you want to change it back, it's cool, just do whatever you like best.

  7. #7
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    Re: Guardian Angels

    *looks between the two of them in a confused fashion* I don't really know exactly how I wanted the girl to come off as being. My tone most of the time is pretty casual but I'm working on it. My friend Kaycee is going 2 finished editing this piece before I write more but I'll post asap.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    So surprisingly enough I'm following the rules. A week ago today I posted the prologue to my story so I believe it's still okay for me to post so I'm going to. I generally don't like posting before my first parts are editted but I was to keep this post as alive as I can so here it goes.

    Chapter 1

    Josephine jolted upright in her bed, cold sweat dripping from her forehead. She was gasping for air as if she had run five miles. She stretched her eyes wide to try and see in the poor light and slowly adjusted to the darkness. She sat in bed for a moment or two, trying to catch her breath. The dream she had just had had been so vivid, so real. She shuddered at the memory of the dead wild cat. The nausea she had felt during the dream was subsiding but she couldn’t help but hunch over to try and dull the sharp pain. After a few minutes of deep breathing, Joey was beginning to feel better. She turned her head slowly to take a look at the digital clock on her bedside table. The glowing green numbers read 5:30. Joey sighed and got out of bed. Her parents usually woke her up at about 6:45 to get ready for school but after a dream like that she doubted she’d be able to fall back asleep.
    She grabbed her bath robe on the way to the bathroom, tiptoeing quietly across the hardwood floor so as not to wake her brother or parents. She began running the hot water as she undressed, carefully peeling off her sweat soaked clothes from her strangely sore body. She took a good look at herself before she got into the shower but regretted it the second she saw her reflection. Her normally green eyes were blood shot and sunken into her face. Her once honey tan skin was not a marble stone white with blotches of red under her skin. The hair around her face drooped at her cheeks lamely, looking at disgusting and slimy as an eel. The usually gold tendrils of hair were as thin as wire and hard to the touch. Joey winced in disgust before walking into her shower, relishing the gently feeling of warm water running down her back. She washed her hair twice very carefully before scrubbing the rest of her body. By the end of the shower her sore muscles had loosened up and she felt more relaxed.
    She checked the clock as she walked back into her room. She spent the next 45 minutes putting her things together for the school day as well as picking out her outfit. Picking an outfit from her over stuffed closet was usually a three minute affair for Joey had no time to sit down and wonder if the color scheme of her outfits matched the earrings she had picked out. After about 20 minutes, she was completely happy with the outfit she had chosen. Images of her dream pushed aside, she pulled on her dark grey skinny jeans and no-longer-white vans. Her best friend Kayci had a knack for intricate designs so she had insisted Joey by a pair of white vans for Kayci to draw on. She pulled on a white tank top before slipping her arms through the long sleeves of her favorite deep green sweater. The diamond studs she had received for her birthday two years ago added a special shine to her outfit. After putting on mascara and grey shimmery eye shadow, she grabbed a silver necklace from her bedside table. It was the one she wore every day since she was five. The pendant was a shining pair of silver angel wings that sparkled even in the dark. Her grandmother had given it to her on Christmas telling Joey to be extremely careful with her first piece of jewelry, and so she had been.
    “Joey! You awake?” Her mother’s voice echoed from downstairs.
    “Yea!” she shouted back. “I’m already to go!”


    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  8. #8
    Enthusiast Moshed Potatoes's Avatar

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    Re: Guardian Angels: UPDATE

    Sounds good While the description is excellent, some if it sounds a bit fake, but thats my opinion
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  9. #9
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    Re: Guardian Angels: UPDATE

    Do you mind editting some Winter? What parts sound fake?
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1230967952.png[/img]

  10. #10
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    Re: Guardian Angels: UPDATE

    wow that was some of the best writing I've ever laid eyes on, sis. Keep up the good work.
    [center:3os0a0g2]KATY PERRY DRESSES LIKE A FREAKING CLOWN. [/center:3os0a0g2]


 
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