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  1. #1
    Fanatic Enthusiast Phazon's Avatar

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    The Demons Daughter

    [img]http://**********.com/img/1233075587.jpg[/img]

    __________________________


    A NIGHT IN THE TOILETS

    "Your very pretty" Natalya said to the girl standing next to her. Who was trying to apply another layer of make up.
    "I know" the girl bragged "Daddy said his little Molly always got the best and nothing else"
    They were standing in the middle of the girls toilets.
    She sighed at the mirror in front of her and turned to Natalya "To much?"
    "No" Natalya lied, she had to end this now, anyone would think she was talking to a clown.
    "So" Molly said "Come to the club a lot?"
    "Oh yeah" Natalya fibbed, no way would she be seen in this blasted place anymore.
    "I think its great...whats that?"
    Natalya's face turned white, she'd seen it "what?"
    "That" Molly said, backing away "you just put it in your bag!"
    "I don't know what your talking about!" Natalya snapped
    "This!" Molly roared and snatched Natalya's bag, she fumbled round and showed her the blade.
    "I have never seen that thing before in my life" Natalya said firmly.
    "Shut up! Wait till I tell the manager!"
    "You won't"
    "I will"
    "Dont be so sure" and she threw her into the nearest cubicle.
    "You Cow! let me out!" Molly barked
    "You gonna tell the manager?"
    "No I swear"
    "Silly question anyway, you won't be able to say anything anymore, anyway"
    She threw a grenade into the cubicle
    "Dont make a mess".
    She walked out the door.
    And the toilets exploded.

    ___________________________

    FATHER

    "Did you do it?"
    "Yeah she didn't supect a thing"
    "Hmm...did you leave any evidence?"
    "Well...there might be a slight...rupture in the girls toilets"
    Natalya sat cross legged on the floor, in a stone cold dungeon. Below the castle her father owned. Her father sat in front of her, in his throne. From far away he would like a handsome, brown haired, man. Until you talk to him face to face. He has scarlet eyes and fangs. And his
    nails are as sharp as daggers.
    "You blew something up again..."
    "Hey, you wanted her dead, she's dead, you didn't say how"
    "I give you a knife, ask you to kill someone and what do you do?. Lock her in the toilets and blow her brains onto the wall" Father shot
    "It doesn't matter, I've got it" She gave the blueprints to him "N.O.O.S.E shouldn't send their agents out at night" she smirked


    So like it? (N.O.O.S.E stands for National Organisation Of Secret Entitys


    -... .- - - .-.. . --.. --- -. .
    "The longest, most intense first-person shooter animation in all of Pivot history..."
    726 frames - and I'm still animating the prologue

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast

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    Re: The Demons Daughter

    It was pretty good, there were alot of errors though. It seemed like you were rushing.
    Here are some:
    "You're very pretty."
    Grammar mistakes.
    girl standing next to her, who was trying to apply another layer of make up.
    "Who was trying to apply another layer of makeup" is a sentence fragment.
    "I know," The girl bragged. "Daddy said his little Molly always got the best and nothing else."
    More grammar.
    the middle of the girls toilets.
    This isn't Necessarily wrong. I'm assuming toilets is another word for bathroom. I don't know what country you're from but I would use bathroom, because not very many people might understand that.
    She sighed at the mirror in front of her and turned to Natalya. "Too much?"
    simple.
    "No," Natalya lied,[/quote]
    "So," Molly said. "Come to the club alot?"
    "Oh yeah,"
    Natalya's face turned white, she'd seen it. "What?"
    "That," Molly said, backing away. "You just put it in your bag!"
    "I don't know what you're talking about!" Natalya snapped.
    "I have never seen that thing before in my life!" Natalya said firmly.
    "You won't!"
    "I will!"
    "Don't be so sure." She said and threw her into the nearest cubicle.
    "You Cow! Let me out!" Molly barked.
    "No, I swear!"
    "Silly question anyway, you won't be able to say anything anymore, anyway"
    Anyway twice? eh. It's not wrong, just repetitive. Try "You won't be able to say anything after this" or you could just take out the second anyway.
    She threw a grenade into the cubicle. "Dont make a mess."
    She walked out the door and the toilets exploded.
    Contracting things together. Unnecessary line breaks are annoying.


    Heres the second part, fixed:
    "Did you do it?"
    "Yeah, she didn't supect a thing."
    "Hmm...did you leave any evidence?"
    "Well...there might be a slight...rupture in the girls toilets."
    Natalya sat cross legged on the floor, in a stone cold dungeon below the castle her father owned. Her father sat in front of her, in his throne. From far away he would like a handsome, brown haired, man, until you talk to him face to face. He had scarlet eyes and fangs, and his nails are as sharp as daggers.
    "You blew something up again..."
    "Hey, you wanted her dead, she's dead, you didn't say how."
    "I give you a knife, ask you to kill someone and what do you do?. Lock her in the toilets and blow her brains onto the wall" Father shot
    "It doesn't matter, I've got it" She gave the blueprints to him. "N.O.O.S.E shouldn't send their agents out at night." she smirked.
    You have lots and lots of grammar issues. Either you're really bad at grammar or you were rushing.
    Writing is not for the impatient. It takes time, to get everything right.
    Look up better, more descriptive words in a thesaurus. (link). I would have been entertained with the story if there was better grammar, and also, more description. In the beginning, don't just tell the ready that they were in the bathroom, tell them that they are in "an old dungy dirty restroom", or a "Small scummy restroom".
    or tell us about Natalya. Maybe she's 'pretty, blonde hair, and peircing blue eyes.' Or maybe she's 'your normal 17 year old, black hair, almost perfectly straight teeth, and soft brown eyes.'
    And maybe tell us how old she is. Then we can know who we're dealing with. She could be 14, or 41.
    So keep on writing but take this into consideration. Good job.


 

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