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Thread: my lame story

  1. #1
    Enthusiast Killa Z's Avatar
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    my lame story

    i know. alot of spelling errors and my grammar is terrible. but please comment and help. and i may get better, so that your eyes dont hurt when you read this next time.
    hell breathers
    intro
    it is the year 2041, and the world is peaceful.
    how this all ocured may never be known, but what is known is that in the year
    2045, more people died then in all of world war two. i am a surviver. and im here to pass on the story,
    of the hell breathers. many think of them as legend, many dont even know of them.
    but i did, and i was ready. and i survived. but for those who also survived,
    i leave you with this story.
    [center:2mqnphuv][/center:2mqnphuv]

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Alcyone's Avatar

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    Re: my lame story

    Quote Originally Posted by killa z
    i know. alot of spelling errors and my grammar is terrible. but please comment and help. and i may get better, so that your eyes dont hurt when you read this next time.


    Hell Breathers

    Introduction

    It is the year 2041, and the world is peaceful. How this all ocured may never be known, but what is known is that in the year 2045, more people died then in all of world war two. I am a surviver, and i'm here to pass on the story of the hell breathers. Many think of them as legend, many dont even know of them. But i did, and i was ready. I survived. So for those who also survived, I leave you with this story.
    You need to explain more. Where are you? Why are you there? What is the situation? Is this the World War three? If so, explain more on the conflict.
    [tn=560:1296vzj9]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Kris/makeover2.png[/tn:1296vzj9]

  3. #3
    Veteran Enthusiast Yadda's Avatar


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    Re: my lame story

    Lame indeed, not well started out, terrible spelling, and you've got a mix of third and first person. Badbadbadbadbadbadbad


  4. #4
    Veteran Enthusiast Android's Avatar

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    Re: my lame story

    Hell Breathers

    Introduction
    It is the year 2041, and the world is peaceful.
    How this all occurred may never be known, but what is known is that in the year 2045, more people died than in all of World War Two. I am a survivor, and I'm here to pass on the story...
    Of the hell breathers. Many think of them as legend, many don't even know of them. But I did, and I was ready, and I survived. But for those who also survived, I leave you with this story.
    Fixed it a little bit.
    [center:35dbpjta]Stop looking at my sig do something useful.[/center:35dbpjta]

  5. #5
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    Re: my lame story

    Grammar and spelling errors make it look unappealing.

    You didn't catch the reader's attention at all.

    Need more depth/description.

    Example: When you talk about the "hell breathers", add more description about them to help the reader understand what they were like. You need adjectives.

    So..ya. Work on that.
    [center:24pu3o4q][/center:24pu3o4q]
    [center:24pu3o4q]Free Stuff!
    I shit you not...[/center:24pu3o4q]


 

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