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Thread: Untitled Story.

  1. #1
    Fanatic Enthusiast James's Avatar


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    Untitled Story.

    I felt like writing a post-apocalyptic kind of story, and this is just a work in progress, so no names yet, even though I have a couple of ones that it might be called, suggestions would be good.
    I recieved some critique from Slashed, but he doesn't want bothering, so don't try asking him, lol
    Anyway, here goes:

    Tom breathed the first glorious breaths of fresh air he had tasted in what had seemed like years, and he surveyed the horizon that had once been a bustling metropolis, packed with people on their daily commute, people who were shopping and people who lived in the city. He looked up into the sky, the sunís golden glare burning deep into his retina, leaving spots blurring his vision. The sky seemed fresh and clear, but the beautifully clear weather did nothing to mask the damage that had been done. The toxin carried around by the whipping winds would burn away at the lungs of any who surrendered to it for too long, and the once bustling metropolis was nothing more than ash and rubble, scattered along the ground, a painful reminder of competition and rivalry between people who had the power to make many decisions, for better or worse. Out of the rubble poked some wild plants, largely unaffected by the vicious poison that had killed so many other plants, animals and humans. The damage was now beyond repair, and the poison, permanently scarring the land, rendering it uninhabitable. The city could never be rebuilt or repopulated. The last of the humans had to move on, and avoid death.

    The night brought the freezing cold, and in the now barren landscape, there was nothing that could be used for heat. Entire woods charred to a crisp and dead, with trees that once stood tall now scattered along the ground, and there was nothing to burn that hadn't already been vaporised. Tom felt quiet and alone, in the knowledge that there was nothing around for miles, and that he had no-one to talk to.

    He had been walking for days after leaving his safe refuge that he had been protected by when "it" happened. He no longer had any landmarks to help him find his way home, no pointers or anything to show him the direction that he should be going in. Just miles and miles of cracked concrete, with odd plants peeking up through the holes in between each slab. There was no buildings where there had once been a massive estate. What had happened? Clueless, but still determined to find some sign of life, something that could give him hope, but all he had so far found was some plants, ones that he had never seen before, and they were hardly good company.

    Hope you liked it so far, it's not finished, obviously.

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Gabe.'s Avatar

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    Re: Untitled Story.

    It's pretty good, detailed, a point to it, and it's unfinished. Finish it! I just need a thing to keep me reading, kinda tedious.
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  3. #3
    Enthusiast Attelis's Avatar

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    Re: Untitled Story.

    The description was good, and it was very attention-grabbing. However, you sometimes carried your sentences out for just a little too long, and I think you may have forgotten some punctuation in there. The way you brought the lands hospitality was excellent, and I commend you for that. Good job overall.

    When do you intend to continue?
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  4. #4
    Fanatic Enthusiast James's Avatar


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    Re: Untitled Story.

    I continued a bit, sorry if it goes on.
    I will make some more finishing touches to what I have written so far, then I will carry on, so if you have any good advice to improve it, it would be greatly appreciated.

  5. #5
    i fux wit it Snake's Avatar

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    Re: Untitled Story.

    Good job.
    I read the first part and it was very detailed. I liked it.
    Et cetera.


 

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