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  1. #1
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    please read!!!! PLEASE! i think it's great!

    Satans grasp.

    Here I was, almost to far away to see what was happening. That's when I decided to get a closer look at this disaster. As I arrived at the scene, there were people huddled around something dark. Thinking that I might be able to find out whats happening I push my way through this riot of viewers into a horrible picture inserted into my brain. A women lay naked with a pentagram carved into her stomach. I could tell that the satanic symbols around her meant something evil was happening. Then, just as I thought it was safe, an explosion came from behind me, and blew me into the ground, about 1 foot away from the dead body. I looked back to see what had happened, and there she was...the little girl...

    2 months earlier.

    “I don't know shelly, maybe it wasn't just a little lost girl ...” I said, with a shaky voice.
    “what are you talking about, so you saw a dead body and then a girl watched you as a strange man tried to shoot you, so what?” she said with a sympathizing voice.
    “ I have seen that girl in 4 cases, just a coincidence?”
    “well maybe it was, you never know” she said, her voice getting tense.
    “shelly!” I said, raising my voice more than I should have.
    “jake! You don't understand, how could a LITTLE GIRL be part of a serial killer!?”
    We sat there for about 30 minutes in silence, until I got up out of my chair and went out to my car. As I open the front door of her house, I see her, the little girl standing there next to my car. I run out the door, to face her. As I make my way over to her she starts walking away.
    “were are you going ?!” I said very angrily.
    Then, out of nowhere, she starts to slowly fade away. When I finally reach her, she was gone.
    “What are you doing?” a voice comes from afar.
    I look over my shoulder, and I see shelly coming at my, with a combination of looks on her face. I knew those looks. The looks of fear, anticipation, and anger. But didn't she see the girl? She grabbed me by the shoulder, as she said:
    “what are you chasing?”
    “You didn't see her?”
    “See who?
    “You didn't see the little girl did you!?”
    “Oh my god. Jake, I think your seeing things..”
    “No, I know I'm not”
    And then I walked to my car. Still wondering what just happened to me. Did I really just see an illusion? Is my mind so obsessed with this girl that now I'm seeing things now? Can it be? No. I'm not seeing anything, this was 100% real, I'm sure of it. That still would not explain why shelly didn't see it. Well I guess I have to figure this out.. One way or another. With or without anyones help, including shelly's.

  2. #2
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    Re: please read!!!! PLEASE! i think it's great!

    That made no sense, and why aren't the names capitalized?

  3. #3
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    Re: please read!!!! PLEASE! i think it's great!

    Quote Originally Posted by Blue Phoenix
    That made no sense, and why aren't the names capitalized?
    because im dumb.

  4. #4
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    Re: please read!!!! PLEASE! i think it's great!

    The descriptions were retarded. They made very little sense. Everything was way over exaggerated also.

    Quote Originally Posted by i_killz
    We sat there for about 30 minutes in silence,
    Seriously, 30 minutes? That's a freaking LONG time for two people to sit in awkward silence.

  5. #5
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    Re: please read!!!! PLEASE! i think it's great!

    [quote=B_A]The descriptions were retarded. They made very little sense. Everything was way over exaggerated also.

    Quote Originally Posted by "i_killz":35pkifto
    We sat there for about 30 minutes in silence,
    Seriously, 30 minutes? That's a freaking LONG time for two people to sit in awkward silence.[/quote:35pkifto]
    AAANNNDD that's a lot of gay babies

  6. #6
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    Re: please read!!!! PLEASE! i think it's great!

    Sorry, but it wasn't great.

    First off, you say that he sees the dead body. Okay. But, what's up with this: "Just when I thought it was safe..."? There's a dead body with satanic carvings etched in her stomach, and everyone is scared, and you think it's safe? Uh, I wouldn't, and I doubt you would either. Then an explosion that knocks you to the ground. Okay. But later, you explain how this "explosion" is a gunshot, but if you were shot, you wouldn't be thrown into the air, you'd probably just fall or something.

    Next, the time jump. You said "two months earlier," but yet, you said that the dead body and stuff already happened. Paradox much? And on the subject of jumping, a lot of things happened too suddenly. First sentence, you're too far away to see what's going on. 2 sentences later, you're in front of the whole crowd examining the body. See what I'm saying here?

    There were also very many grammatical errors, mostly lack of capitalization.

    I thought it had a pretty good story, it just wasn't very well written. Work on it more, ok?
    Mo-fuggah

  7. #7
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    Re: please read!!!! PLEASE! i think it's great!

    There are alot of grammar and spelling mistakes.
    The organization isn't good.
    There wasn't much description of the setting.
    The story was weird...maybe you could try explaining why Jake was worried about the little girl and maybe add symbolism.
    If the title is "Satans grasp", you need to explain more of what made you feel terror and why you felt like you were in Satan's grasp and maybe use that as a simile or extended metaphor.
    Try going in depth instead of just stating what happened.

    So...ya...the story needs work.
    [center:24pu3o4q][/center:24pu3o4q]
    [center:24pu3o4q]Free Stuff!
    I shit you not...[/center:24pu3o4q]


 

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