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  1. #1
    Enthusiast Killa Z's Avatar
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    another chapter of "ANORAOTH"

    ok this is not that great but please read it and give me help

    chapter 1
    "morning mate" said facils. "did you do the dishes yet?"
    "no, im on breack" said draghor.
    "what?" said facils with disbelieve."you know we pay our rent with work".
    "i know" said draghor "but storm clouds are rolling in, and i wanna see whats happening".
    "those arent storm clouds" said facils there too bright, and it rained yesterday. still it does look odd".
    "we should get inside".said draghor calmly yet urgently.
    but as soon as draghor said that a bolt of lightning hit an apartment on the other said of the road.
    "juses christ" yelled facils "were the hell did that come from".
    another bolt hit the ground, smoke rose every were.
    when the smoke cleared an entire army of rogues were there.
    "Who are they?" asked draghor.
    "the dark bandits" said facils "so for they conquered five nations, this will be there last, then they will control the entire continent.
    two winged creatures flew over head.
    they looked like a cross between a vulture and a hyena.
    "thats a seirling" said facils "they pray on the dead, yet they kill whenever they have the chance".
    then a rihno like creature ran past them.
    "thats a gothok" said facils "its a rihno but its bread to kill".
    then a dark bandit grabbed facils and draghor, and then knocked them out.
    facils awoke in a cage, not big enough to lay down in, not tall enough to stand up in.
    the cage was right next to a camp fire with three dark bandits sitting by it, also seirling stood right next to the cage. it screached and screached until a bandit yelled.
    "shut up, do you whant to end up like your food".
    then facils looked down, there was a platter with blood and flesh all over it and on the top was a human head. facils threw up. "oh so your awake then" said a bandit "just in time, the other seirlings were getting hungry. but not yet, we whant them to be starving, so they will rip your flesh from your bones without stoping to look who it is. oh well i bet your bored, i will get all these worthless bandits to work and you'll be all alone with the seirling."
    "gargour, go gather fire wood. lyzea, go find some more prisoners. i will go fight what remains of the guards".
    "yes sir" said lyzea.
    "yes sir" said gargour.
    lyzea and the cheif left, but gargour stayed. he made sure the others where gone, then he opened facils cage. "come on, before they come back" said gargour.
    "why are you helping me?" said facils.
    "becuase i hate them" said gargour "i joined cuase i wanted freedome and power, but i get ordered around and havent gotten any money since i joined, we are going away while we still have a chance".
    gargour grabbed facils and the seirling. "be nice" said gargour "this new traveler is our freind yurfy"
    "yurfy?" facils said to himself "that creature is named yurfy?".
    so they crawled over rumble and dead bodies until they reached the gate.
    "here it is" said gargour "we should be safe out of town".
    so gargour and facils made a campfire and sat down.
    "so how is it in the dark bandits?" asked facils.
    "well aside from the downsides they have brotherhood and a nice place to live, but the people can be jerks. like lyzea, she is a complete psycho, she once killed this other bandit for helping her do her job".
    some bushes shook.
    "who's there" said gargour.
    "me" said lyzea stepping out of the bushes. "you wil die for deserting the clan". she drew two daggers.
    gargour drew an axe.
    they clashed, it was an incredible fight. gargour swung his axe and nocked one of the dagger out of lyzea's hand.
    "you can do it gargou" said facils.
    then lyzea stabbed gargour in his stomach.
    gargour swung with all his might, and chopped off the head of lyzea.
    "are you ok?" asked facils.
    "i need medicine" said gargour "something to stop the bleeding".
    "there's a potions shop in the middle of town" said facils.
    so they walked through the rumble, yurfy was screaming so Loudly that gargour almost forgot about his wound.
    "there it is" said facils "you had better go in without me, just say a guard wounded you".
    gargour walked into the store, sevaral minutes later he came out. he looked much better.
    then they heard a sound.
    "thats the sound of the gate closing" said facils "we should hurry"
    so they ran to the gate but it was closed before they got there.
    "so i suppose we are stuck arent we" said facils
    "yup" said gargour.

    chapter 2
    so for many days gargour and facils traveled the wastelands of what was anoroth.
    it now swarmed with seirlings big and small. they now lived in house's
    that had burned down or been robbed of all items of value. yurfy was
    purring in his sleep.

    "jesus gargour, please get rid of that thing" said facils. "why?" said
    gargour " its a nice creature". "its a horrid beast" said facils.
    "just give it some cow guts and it will be fine" said gargour. facils
    gave in and gave it some unknown pile of guts on the ground. it ate
    them all and screeched for more. "be quite" said gargour "we don't
    want to be found be an dark bandit, or worse a gothok". "like that one
    over there" said facils. "yes like that one over... there" said
    gargour "Run!". the three of them ran towards an apartment, but a bolt
    of lightning crashed into the building. smoke cleared and the
    apartment was gone but instead in its place was a horrible monster

    with six arms each with nine inch long claws. the roar of the beast
    was so load the gothok went and hid. its teeth were about the size of
    small children. "oh my god that thing is huge" yelled gargour. "look
    at the legs" said faclis "so much power". the dreaded beast jumped
    with so much force the ground shook. then in a flash the beast
    vanished. "what just happened?" said facils. "i don't quite know" said
    gargour. but as they talked the monster tore open a house. "how?...
    where?... what just happened?" said facils. "i don't know about that
    either" said gargour. the gargantuan monster came back but this time
    it looked at facils and gargour with its stone black eye's. it reared
    back to take a lunge at them. 'quick get on" said gargour to facils.
    "get on what?" said facils. "the seirling" yelled gargour, as he
    pulled facils on the creature. "fly please" gargour said. the beast
    took off just in time. as they fly through the air facils saw someone
    it was draghor. "land here" said facils. they landed by draghor.
    "what's up?" said facils. "hey, you, draghor. hello?". "he's dead"
    said gargour. facils blinked for about ten seconds. "dead?" asked
    facils. "yes" said gargour. facils didn't move for the entire rest of
    the day, he just stood there all day and all night. "so he's dead"
    said facils. "what?" said gargour "of course he is i told you that
    yesterday. "i am?" said draghor. "see gargourhe he's not dead" said
    facils calmly. gargour blinked for ten seconds. draghor stood up.
    "do's my hair look right?" said draghor. " its yellow and spiky as
    always" said facils. "but wait, you've been dead for all of yesterday"
    said gargour "it just shouldn't make sense". "a life worth dying for
    is a life worth undying for" said draghor. fro the rest of the day
    they talked about how draghor should still be dead, and if the huge
    monster would come back. until it came night and they went to sleep.
    the next morning it was cold and dry, not like a summer day should
    feel. "its freezing" said facils, then realizing he was the only one
    up. the sun hid behind clouds while the almost winter air fill there
    lungs. a chill grasped them, a feeling almost like the grim reaper
    himself was in there presence. then facils looked at the world in
    front of him, there was a butterfly in the air not moving. facils
    picked up a stone and trough it, but as soon as it left his fingers it
    stopped. he looked again at the sky it was different then last time
    but he couldn't tell how. then it hit him, the sky was turning whiter
    and whiter. "huh?"

    said facils "how can it be turning brighter if the sun is behind the
    clouds?". a man walked up to him. "well your here" the man said " but
    what about the rest of you". "there asleep" said facils. the man
    turned away and left the area. the temperature seemed to get higher.
    facils went back to sleep, not noticing that the man had left a book
    on the ground.
    [center:2mqnphuv][/center:2mqnphuv]

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast

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    Re: another try at literature

    I hate to knit pick, I myself am horrible when it comes to grammar.

    im - I'm

    "example of a sentence." - "Example of a sentence,"

    Try not to write like a 12 year old, even if you are. Try not to act like your on myspace :P

    Other than that, I liked it. Could use some work. Try to build it up some more

  3. #3
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    Re: another try at literature

    looks like a script. i didn't read a lot of it. theres no pargraphing at all, far too much speech.
    Elite Forgotten

  4. #4
    Veteran Enthusiast Slashed's Avatar



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    Re: another try at literature

    That and the massive amounts of speech are awfully flat. You should put more emphasis into what people are saying, you need to make the reader believe what the character is saying.

    Also, I won't go into detail as I'm in college, but you need something INTERESTING to pick the reader up in the first line. It's called a hook, and often makes it into the book cover as a subtitle/motto.

    This is of course ignoring your grammatical skills. Which you REALLY need to pull up on.

    Keep working on it man.

  5. #5
    Enthusiast Killa Z's Avatar
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    Re: another chapter of "ANORAOTH"

    update
    [center:2mqnphuv][/center:2mqnphuv]

  6. #6
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    Re: another chapter of "ANORAOTH"

    Sorry dude, i read the first paragraph and didnt like it, theres WAY too much talking in it, its like thats all it is, like bert says, its more like a screenplay, instead of a novel/story.
    Quote Originally Posted by Tytan
    D:
    you got to joint with chain?
    lucky.
    [img]http://**********.com/img/1268074266.gif[/img]
    jOiN tHe sAw c0lLab! ^^

  7. #7
    Veteran Enthusiast Slashed's Avatar



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    Re: another chapter of "ANORAOTH"

    You didn't listen to a word I said.

    Fuck you.

  8. #8
    Veteran Enthusiast Lawn Feed's Avatar

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    Re: another chapter of "ANORAOTH"

    wait so these guys conquered 5 nations and one of the protagonists doesn't even know who they are

    lol
    [center:1hzoraxf][/center:1hzoraxf]


 

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