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Thread: Abandoned story

  1. #1
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Abandoned story

    I started something I started a couple of days ago, and stopped yesterday after my English teacher told me that fantasy short stories don't work. I thought I'd post it here anyway, since I don't want it to go to waste.
    ----------------------------------------------------

    Arhan sped along the bridge, stopping occasionally to look down. The choir of screams
    below him were in rhythm with the rattling thunder above, creating a dark,
    twisted song. He dropped his head, and gazed fearfully at the hungry, glaring faces
    below. He longed to jump, to end his pain, but the others needed him.
    It was his turn to gather the food for the month, so without him, the others
    would starve. Trying to push the suicidal thoughts from his mind, Arhan attempted to keep his run in time with the melancholy chant that surrounded him.

    As Arhan arrived at the end of the bridge, he turned his eyes to the makeshift hut where the others were resting. The last stretch of his 2-day quest was about to end. He squished through the mud excitedly, trying to make as little sound as possible: He wanted to make his early return a surprise to the others. As he jogged through the door, he swung the potato sack from his back, and slammed it onto the floor, making sure to wake everyone.
    -------------------------------------
    What do you think? A little too many "he"s in the second paragraph?
    what is homo love?

  2. #2
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    Re: Abandoned story

    you have the same problem as everyone who posts here. story is too forward, yknow, it just explains what he does in order. i mean you have a bit of description in there but you could stand to put a bit more in. try and say how arhan is feeling as well. you make it sound like hes a machine.
    Elite Forgotten

  3. #3
    lucien is queen Hazzystan's Avatar

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    Re: Abandoned story

    ^Thanks for the CC, I've edited it.
    what is homo love?

  4. #4
    Enthusiast Conker's Avatar

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    Re: Abandoned story

    I don't really know much about literature (except what school tells me) but I think it sounded pretty good!!! Is it supposed to end there? Keep writing, I want to read more.

    Something you can add in: I don't think I have a right to say this, but I think that some interuppting words/phrases (i.e., "He, I believe, is going to church,") fit in good with these kind of stories.
    [center:2k0p3guh]
    "Don't fight here, this is the war room!"[/center:2k0p3guh]


 

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