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  1. #1
    M G
    M G is offline
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    OHLOL - CC Appreciated.

    Now that you are here, comment. My first serious story so if it's shit, don't bug me. >.>

    Alex

    //////////////////////////////////////////

    "Alex! Get up, you'll be late for school!" I heard my mom shout up the stairs. I slowly opened my eyes, and looked at the alarm clock beside my bed. 8:15AM. Fuck. The bus left at twenty past. I reluctantly dragged myself out of bed and streched. As I walked over to the curtains and pulled them open, I was met by a strong burst of sunlight. It made me feel..somewhat joyful, although I wasn't quite sure why. I shrugged, walking over to my school uniform, conveniently placed in my cupboard. After I had finished getting dressed, and brushing my teeth, I looked at the alarm clock once again. 8:22. Oh fuck me. I grabbed my schoolbag and sprinted downstairs.

    When I had got outside, the bus was starting to pull out. I ran after it, yelling every curse I knew. I waves my arms, signalling it to stop. It didn't. It still carried on, accelerating around the corner. Damnit. I was going to be late.

    8:58am, Toynbee Secondary.

    "..and that, is basically Albert Einstein's theory of relativity." I burst through the door.
    "And why are you late, Alex?" said Mr Longden. He was my science teacher. And a prick. Always looking for every tiny, unnoticeable mistake I make, 24/7. I hated him.
    "I missed the bus, sir, and had to walk. I tried to get here as fast as I could but-"
    "But nothing! If you are late, you are late. NO excuses. You shall see me for a detention after school. Do you understand, Alex?" he said, scornfully.
    "Yes.." I hissed.
    'I beg your pardon?"
    "Yes..sir." I said, with as much poison as I dared to include.

    I sat down at the back, and unpacked my science books. The lesson slowly drifted by, with Mr Longden droning on all the while. Finally, the bell rang. Breaktime. I walked out of class, and into the corridor, where I was met by two tall, muscular goons. John and Adam.
    "Hello, Alex. I believe you owe us some money." said Adam.
    "What money?" I asked.
    Adam grew a sinister, toothy smile.
    "Your lunch money, for being late this morning. Terrible shame, about the detention." He said mockingly.
    "Yeah, terrible shame, heheh." giggled John.
    "Well, what if I don't want to give you the money?" I asked. Big mistake. Adam grinned.
    "Then there is the alternative.."
    "And what would that be-" I never finished the sentence. Adam had let fly an uppercut, which flung me into the air, for a second. And then, I slammed onto the floor, on my back.

    I felt dizzy, and my nose stung like hell. I gingerly touched it. My hand came away bloody. Damn. I slowly got to my feet, and then proceded to be headbutted in the gut by John. I went flying in a heap. Of course by now, the corridor was silent. Everyone was just..staring. No expression, no emotion. It was as if this was supposed to happen, or regularly happened. I didn't have enough teeth to think. Adam picked me up by the shirt.
    "I always did prefer this choice." he said. I feebly tried to kick him. It was like kicking a brick wall. He felt nothing, but just burst out laughing.
    "You honestly hope THAT can bring me down, kid?" he laughed, throwing me to the floor. I couldn't take much more. My head was spinning, and my body ached with pain.

    Comments? Should I continue?

    stay legend

  2. #2
    Senior Member Dr.Taco's Avatar
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    Re: OHLOL

    Is it a true story?
    And i also hate my science teacher too
    he's a hoe
    continue the story too
    [center:2p3jlc3g][img]http://**********.com/img/1242188575.png[/img]
    Say NO to Durgs!
    Say YES to Tacos! xD
    [/center:2p3jlc3g]
    [center:2p3jlc3g]FeLiXeR asked me what were drugs!LOL![/center:2p3jlc3g]

  3. #3
    Enthusiast SuperSTi's Avatar

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    Re: OHLOL

    You're not at the point where I can be nitpicky so I'll give some general advice.

    Make something interesting happen.

    A kid being late to school, chasing after a bus, hating his teacher, then getting beat up for his lunch money is rather boring and cliche, don't you think?
    [center:3346oc0h][/center:3346oc0h]
    [center:3346oc0h]Blog Anims Art[/center:3346oc0h]

  4. #4
    M G
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    Re: OHLOL

    1. It's not true.

    2. Yeah, I guess. From reading other books I tried to adapt how the author makes things go wrong for the character, such as trying to defend themself but doing virtually nothing to their oppononent. It makes the reader feel empathy/sympathy towards the character, and keeps them interested. This, can be seen in the 'Young Bond' series by Charlie Higson. Guess I haven't quite nailed it :l. Well, that's what perserverance is for, I guess. Thanks guys.

    stay legend

  5. #5
    Enthusiast SuperSTi's Avatar

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    Re: OHLOL

    Quote Originally Posted by -MG-
    2. Yeah, I guess. From reading other books I tried to adapt how the author makes things go wrong for the character, such as trying to defend themself but doing virtually nothing to their oppononent. It makes the reader feel empathy/sympathy towards the character, and keeps them interested. This, can be seen in the 'Young Bond' series by Charlie Higson. Guess I haven't quite nailed it :l. Well, that's what perserverance is for, I guess. Thanks guys.
    It's pretty well written and I did like how you described the fight, it's just that something interesting needs to happen because so far it's very bland and cliche. Mix it up a bit please, whether it be through the character's personality and how he handles these events, or through the events themselves.
    [center:3346oc0h][/center:3346oc0h]
    [center:3346oc0h]Blog Anims Art[/center:3346oc0h]

  6. #6
    Senior Member Dr.Taco's Avatar
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    Re: OHLOL

    Please continue the story -mg-
    [center:2p3jlc3g][img]http://**********.com/img/1242188575.png[/img]
    Say NO to Durgs!
    Say YES to Tacos! xD
    [/center:2p3jlc3g]
    [center:2p3jlc3g]FeLiXeR asked me what were drugs!LOL![/center:2p3jlc3g]


 

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