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Thread: Hacker

  1. #1
    Insanity Skype's Avatar



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    Apr 2007
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    Re: Hacker

    >_>


    Well...

    A small computer begins beeping. My eyes bring me back into my small room, barely lit by the sun to reveal my cluttered room. With my head laying against my pillow, I examine the room

    You used the word 'room way too much'.

    "A small computer begins beeping. My eyes bring me back into my small room, barely lit by the sun to reveal my clutter. With my head laying against my pillow, I examine my dwelling."

    It's kind of... Corny at the moment, but fairly well written.

  2. #2
    Insanity Skype's Avatar



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    Apr 2007
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    England
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    Re: Hacker

    Yeah it's still terribly corny. h3x_ozr03? I mean cmon.

    You use too many fullstops, it slows the story right down and sounds very bad stopping for so long so often, try and use commas a bit more.

    It's an alright story, could do with a little more description. What does the inside of this building look like, how is everything arranged. These simple features can make the story a whole lot better and be accomplished with just a few lines.

    Keep it up.


 

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