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  1. #1
    Insanity Skype's Avatar



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    Uhh yeah, work in progress.

    The chipped black tiles ran all the way down the industrial hallway, right down to the end where a small yellow light flickered. From where I was standing the hallway was cold and dark, and a hollow breeze circulated around me. I took a heavy step forward and felt a tile crack beneath my foot, and this continued as I plodded along at a steady pace, trying to keep my guard up despite my fatigue. I was confident nothing would appear behind me, I made sure the blast door was sealed, but there was something about the flickering yellow light that I edged towards that gave me a feeling of uneasiness.

    I slowed down, almost to a halt as I neared the door. The light cast a yellow tinge over the gashed, worn metal of the heavy door. I took one final look over my shoulder before reaching for the dented handle. I grasped onto it and forced it down. The handle grinded downwards until the door creaked open.

    After the door skidded over some buckled tiles, it swung open and crashed into a fan that was placed behind it. My heart skipped a beat and I dived over a pharmaceutical desk and hid behind a filing cabinet. Over my own breathing I heard a loud, distorted screech, but something wasn’t right. The screech echoed off into the series of chambers and tunnels of the underground complex, and after my heart returned to its normal pace I slowly got up and wiped a screen of cold sweat from my forehead.

    I picked up the damaged fan and forced the door shut, catching my exposed calf on a protruding fragment of the blast door. After sealing the door I quickly shuffled over to the desk I previously lunged over, and began to rummage through the draws in search or some tape or bandage- something to seal up this damned gash. Trying not to make too much noise, I quickly searched each of the 6 draws to find only a scrap of medical tape and a hard-back book on “Stress related Illnesses”.
    “Forget about the stress, I just want some fucking first aid!” I whispered violently under my breath.
    I tossed the book to my left and it hit a small lunch-box sized tin and knocked it onto the floor. Luckily it didn’t make much of a noise, and I hurried over to the tin and began skimming my hand through the various medical paraphernalia. I pocketed a small box of pain killers and an adrenaline shot, and then used the medical tape in conjunction with the torn bandage that also fell out of the tin.

    I dragged myself over to the medics’ office and slumped up against a wall, gritting my teeth trying not to let out a noise although my leg was half cut open. I tightened the bandages and popped three or four pain killers into my dry mouth and knocked them back. My head rest against the rough wall and I slowly drifted into unconsciousness.

  2. #2
    M G
    M G is offline
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    Re: Uhh yeah, work in progress.

    very nice, quite detailed and fluent. But his location and most of his surroundings are unclear. I take it this is a sci-fi? Not sure why, but Fallout 3 popped into my head. Then the 'Alien' series.

    Keep working on it, read it through some times and try to make thngs clearer where need be. But it is entertaining, can't wait to see it continue.

    stay legend

  3. #3
    Veteran Enthusiast Android's Avatar

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    Re: Uhh yeah, work in progress.

    I took a heavy step forward and felt a tile crack beneath my foot, and this continued as I plodded along at a steady pace, trying to keep my guard up despite my fatigue.
    Try to avoid run on sentences, if you can’t then add some good transition words (you can even use a thesaurus if needed).
    But there was something about the flickering yellow light that I edged towards
    At this part you can probably say something like ‘there was something about the flickering yellow light that had me drawn towards it thus arousing a feeling of uneasiness’.
    The light cast a yellow tinge over the gashed, worn metal of the heavy door
    Since door has already been used in that paragraph you could probably say something like ‘the overwhelming *insert metal type* block in front of me’.

    … and after my heart returned to its normal pace I slowly got up and wiped a screen of cold sweat from my forehead.
    It should be a new sentence around the start of there.
    After sealing the door I quickly shuffled over to the desk I previously lunged over
    You notice before it was a cabinet and now it is a desk.
    … 6 draws to find …
    Use words instead of numbers in formal writing, also it should be drawers not draws.
    “Forget about the stress, I just want some fucking first aid!”
    This kind of took away the serious feeling of the story for me.

    Good job overall, but as I said before, try to switch most of the ‘ands’ into transition words that you haven’t used before to make it less predictable.
    [center:35dbpjta]Stop looking at my sig do something useful.[/center:35dbpjta]

  4. #4
    Insanity Skype's Avatar



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    Re: Uhh yeah, work in progress.

    I took a heavy step forward and felt a tile crack beneath my foot, and this continued as I plodded along at a steady pace, trying to keep my guard up despite my fatigue.
    Try to avoid run on sentences, if you can’t then add some good transition words (you can even use a thesaurus if needed).
    "Run on sentences" create speed in a story, it was fully intentional.
    But there was something about the flickering yellow light that I edged towards
    At this part you can probably say something like ‘there was something about the flickering yellow light that had me drawn towards it thus arousing a feeling of uneasiness’.
    No, that makes you sound like a faggot.
    The light cast a yellow tinge over the gashed, worn metal of the heavy door
    Since door has already been used in that paragraph you could probably say something like ‘the overwhelming *insert metal type* block in front of me’.
    Or I could say door, seeing how that's what it is.

    … and after my heart returned to its normal pace I slowly got up and wiped a screen of cold sweat from my forehead.
    It should be a new sentence around the start of there.
    No it shouldn't.
    After sealing the door I quickly shuffled over to the desk I previously lunged over
    You notice before it was a cabinet and now it is a desk.
    There's a desk and a cabinet...
    … 6 draws to find …
    Use words instead of numbers in formal writing, also it should be drawers not draws.
    I admit this fault, my bad.
    “Forget about the stress, I just want some fucking first aid!”
    This kind of took away the serious feeling of the story for me.
    Yeah because if there's a giant cut in your leg, you're not going to express feelings of anger..

    Good job overall, but as I said before, try to switch most of the ‘ands’ into transition words that you haven’t used before to make it less predictable.

    ------------------------

    Sounds to me you don't know what ur talking about m8.
    Lol. You are SO bad at taking criticism...

  5. #5
    Fanatic Enthusiast James's Avatar


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    Re: Uhh yeah, work in progress.

    It's a very good story, lots of description of each scene gave me a good chance to formulate the settings in my head. It flowed very well from section to section, and I have no problems with it, although the part near the end seems a bit abrupt, where he is talking about taking the medication, maybe you could add a bit to that to extend it out a little, so that it helps continue the kind of detail it started off with, maybe describe a little more how he made his way to the medic's office, what was on the way, make the journey a bit longer or something.

    I hope I don't sound like I'm nitpicking.


 

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