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  1. #1
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    24

    Crappy short story

    Im a terrible writer, but I'll give this a shot.

    I trembled in fear as i heard a gun loading. I was blindfolded, so all i could see was blackness, but I knew I was going to die. I felt a knife held close to my throat, I could feel the cold, hard blade rubbing against my neck. There was a sudden flash of light as the blindfold was ripped from my face. I opened my eyes, and saw a pistol to my face.
    "Tell us what you know!" Said the mafia don, who had the pistol to my face.
    "I keep telling you! I don't know anything!!! I am just a bartender! What do you want to know!" I yelled, only to get pistol-whipped with an assault rifle by his goon.
    "We know you know!"
    "I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!"
    Suddenly, about 20 SWAT members flewin through the windows and skylights and pointed their guns at the don. 50 more SWAT men burst throught the door. Just as suddenly, at least 100 fully armed Mafia members charged through a door. Their was a huge fire fight, bullets everywhere. A bullet whizzed past my face as I tried to untie my self. A SWAT man ran over to untie me to get shot in the back. I rolled over to his dead body and, with my hands behind my back, I grabbed the knife. With great difficulty, I cut one of the ropes holding my knife hand. I quickly cut the rest, grabbed the dead mans gun. I started firing everywhere, however I don't think it helped. I ran for safety outside the building.
    "Francais you are such a fucking coward!" I yelled at myself. I ran back in, guns blazing, to save the men that saved me. I think i killed about 20 mobsters that night. Suddenly I felt a gun to my head. All the SWAT men are gone, and i'm out of ammo. My life flashed before my eyes, My birth.... my first girlfriend.....My marraige.....My sons birth.....and now this. That was my last thought, as i heard the trigger being pulled.


    I am Twangy kid, Your god. Fear and worship meh.

  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Trendy's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Sunagakure
    Posts
    3,304

    Re: Crappy short story

    that was really amusing. but i think you probably shouldve added more detail, and maybe not make everything go his way. for instance, when he grabs the knife to cut himself free, you couldve said something like " i tried hard to cut through it, and when i finally did, the knife flung back and stabbed my hand. i tried to ignore the pain since i was atleast surviving."
    anyway, thumbs up.
    Anonninja -> Zelda -> Kiwi bitch beach -> Hardcore Kid -> Trendy

  3. #3
    Enthusiast Red Shore's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
    Posts
    1,520

    Re: Crappy short story

    yeah you didnt describe it much.

    and there were many punctuation misplaces.
    other than that it was a cool story.

    but make it more realistic.
    70 Swats amd 100 mafia?
    thats one fucked up fight.
    ahaha



 

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