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  1. #1
    Enthusiast Attelis's Avatar

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    First paragraph of a story.

    First off, I tend to do this a lot when writing, (write a nice introductory paragraph, then get bored and leave it) so expect it from me.

    Now, I'm trying to be vague with this introduction, so don't say "You didn't tell us enough!!!"

    Anyway:

    As Ellen ran, she heard the towering building collapse behind her, sending shrapnel-like debris flying out at the ute. She screamed past a man, clad in black, and called to the ute. “START THE ENGINE JESS! WE'RE OUT OF TIME!” A boot kicked open the passenger door, and a face appeared from the driver's seat window. “What about Tom?!” Yelled a raven-haired lady, frantically searching for another comrade to appear.
    “ He's still in there!” Ellen launched at the ute, grabbed the rope attached to the back of the trailer, causing the back panel to flip up and close, and landed at the front of the trailer, just in front of Jess.
    “He's dead and done. We need to get out of here before we go down too.”
    Jess cursed, the revved the engine and exploded out of the suburb, with Ellen hanging from the back poles of the vehicle.
    “James wont like this.” Murmured Jess, as they drove out of the city, inland to their headquarters.
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  2. #2
    Enthusiast SuperSTi's Avatar

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    Re: First paragraph of a story.

    You could at least make it more descriptive than a generic action scene, unless it's a generic action story, which is the impression I'd get from this introduction.
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  3. #3
    Dedicated Member Chance!'s Avatar
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    Re: First paragraph of a story.

    This is a very good piece of writing.

    Some CC. (Don't worry I won't be a douchebag)

    Try not to use all caps, only use them when you HAVE to.

    Very good, vivid words, but work on detail.

    Nothing much else. Very good. I would buy a book from you.

    Books i recommend for you, that i think you would like would be a series called Maximum Ride. It is very action filled, ad heart pounding. There is the adult books, and the kid books. Adult I recommend to you lol. They are about kids with wings who were experiments at a facility, they escaped, and now they are on the run from evil, also flying, wolf-hybrids. There is 5 books in the whole series so far. But i think a sixth is coming out soon.

    Another series. This one is more of a teenage book series. Its called Alex Rider. Its about a teenage kid, who works for MI6, Like Americas FBI, or CIA. He goes into missions and doesnt come out without killing somebody, or fighting. Very good series.

    Look both the series up.
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  4. #4
    Enthusiast Attelis's Avatar

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    Re: First paragraph of a story.

    @SuperSTi5: It was a short attention grabber. The orientation would/will be in the next chapter. And there is/was a plot in mind for this story, with some depth, but yes I intended to have some aspects of an action/adventure book.

    @pivotpilot: I don't often write like this, but thanks. I've heard of Alex Rider, but haven't bothered reading the book(s). I tend to lean towards crime fiction though, but I'll have a look if I ever see the books in my local newsagency.
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  5. #5
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    Re: First paragraph of a story.

    Amazing!
    Great discription. I've read the whole series of Alex Rider, apart from snake head, yeah it's a good book to read.
    Good job man!
    Carry on.
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  6. #6
    Dedicated Member Chance!'s Avatar
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    Re: First paragraph of a story.

    @ warlock. I read snakehead and it definately is the best in the series!

    Anyways, keep writing and stick to this style. I like it alot!
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