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  1. #1
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    Intimidation|Chapter 2 Released

    [center:1r80w4f2]I heard him.

    Again.

    [img]http://**********.com/img/1242784979.png[/img]
    //Written by Austin Nichols//


    //Prologue//
    The Devil, I'm sure it was him. There's no one else it could be. He spoke to me, with whispered and slurred words. He told me things, things I didn't want to hear. He said I was the fault of my parent's divorce, I was to blame for my brother killing himself. That I was the thing that tore this family apart. I listened.

    He would feel my pain when no one else had the time, he would listen to my problems, and the mixed emoticons I had whenever I felt them. He could comfort me when my life was in total peril, like it was broke beyond repair.. He understood me. He was my only friend. Or so I thought.

    He started to tell me to do things, ordered me when I refroze to obey. After a while, I began to do these things. They made me feel good, like nothing could stop me, I was on top of the world! But there was a thin line between the things that I would do, and those that I wouldn't. And one day...

    ...he crossed the line.

    //Chapter 1//
    It was a bright, sunny day. It had rained that night, so the grass smelled good and freshly cut. I walked away slowly from the rusting batting cage, the dark green plastic fence, and clay playing diamond. I had just gotten out of a hard baseball practice, coach made us bat until ours arms hung down like chewed gum. But I didn't mind, I enjoyed the exercise, and being away from my wretched parents for an hour every day. I moaned as I realized that I wasn't just walking off from training, but I was walking off to my hell on earth. Home. The beatings, the screaming, the blaming. I'm surprised I haven't gone insane after so many years of the same fight with new words.

    My cleats made a small squish sound every time they touched the ground, and after a while it got a bit annoying. I tried to and succeeded to enjoy the time I had before I returned to the house of anger and anguish. My baggy shirt, covered in grass stains, blew in the breeze, giving me a funny tickling on my stomach. I laughed to myself quietly, then laughed right after at my stupidity. But my senseless giggling was gone immediately when I saw the small, yellow house on the corner, as if the laughter and happiness was sucked in by a vacuum and torn apart.

    I glumly walked up the cracking, dirty white steps, and stopped. I starred at the red and white door, just imagining what could possibly go on when I walked through it. I moved forward, wrapped my hand around the old chipping knob, and turned it counter-clockwise.

    I was surprised that there was no yelling, screaming, or moaning coming at me. But then I saw a small stream of smoke coming from the kitchen, floating up against the ceiling, searching for a way out. It reminded me of myself. But I knew what was causing that smoke, and it was what made my sleep so uneasily each night. My father.

    I pulled my foot from its place, and took a very slow step onward, making sure not to make a single sound. After a couple moments of hesitation, I mimicked this move on my left foot, but a bit quicker this time. I repeated until I had a steady pace going. When I reached the corner, I stopped dead in my tracks. A shiny scarlet liquid was seeping slowly towards me.

    My heart began to race past control. Negative adrenaline overwhelmed me, fear right by it's side. I knew that I couldn't stand here forever, so I moved cripplingly into the kitchen.

    I saw him, leaning against the counter, smoking a cigarette like nothing had happened. Next to his feet was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.

    My mother.

    The only person I had ever loved, the only creature to have ever given me compassion. Instead of telling me everything was going to be okay, she was starring at me, with cold, lifeless eyes. Multiple gaping gun wounds were visible on her chest and lower torso. Her hair was a dark red almost all the way up to the roots. She just lied there, staring at me, in a pool of her own demise in a sleep she would never awake from.

    I felt rage, anger, hate. Then then, he came in.

    "Take your hate, use it." the voice told me, "use it, KILL HIM, KILL HIM NOW"
    I tried to block him out, ignore him, but he became louder.
    "DO IT NOW!"
    And then, my father slapped me.
    "Don't you stare at me like that you little waste of space!"

    And then I began to listen to the voice, my hate over welled me. I grabbed a butcher knife and grasped it tight, and ran at him. Adrenaline rushing, anger thriving, and I felt a force stop me in my tracks. It was so good, just the feeling of letting out so much built up despise of my father.

    But as my common sense caught up to my insanity, I realized what I had done.


    //Chapter 2//
    The large knife was lodged a little below his neck, cutting through his right shoulder blade. Red was beginning to seep out from the sides of the knife, like prisoners escaping a horrible prison. I just stood there, shaking. I pulled the blade out from my father's neck, and stumbled back. His corpse fell over like a ragdoll in a driving test.

    I stared at the gory scene, both my parents dead and lying on top of each other. But I was now looking more at my dad. It might have been the first time I have ever seen him not yelling at someone. Being quiet. My mind was racing, because of this. I did this, me. Randy Jarmons, the kid with straight A's, the child that hadn't gotten a referral in his life. Me.

    I was a monster.

    I had to leave here, and fast. The neighbors must have heard both the screams, and have called the cops by now. I dropped to butcher's knife and slowly creepily walked around the bodies. I then sprinted past the old paper white table with a chipping paint finish, and out the back screen door. I ran past the plants mom had, and jumped the back wooden fence into the ditch.

    The ditch was very wet, and my Lee's jeans were getting soaked, but it didn't matter anymore. Nothing did. After I got to the end of the ditch, I could see the interstate, so I took a left into the forest.

    I darted past oak trees, shrubs, and tall grasses. Thorn bush's dominated the ground, so my legs were being scrapped maybe ever beyond repair. My pants ripped, my head sweat, thoughts of what they do to murders. But the thoughts died due to extreme exhaustion, but I didn't care. I kept running. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm going to do when I get there, and how I will live after this.

    All I know is I have to keep running.
    /////////////////

    Please give me lots of feedback, for I will be continuing this and turning it in for a grade at school.
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  2. #2
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    Re: Intimidation

    Lolz,that was really good

    Keep practicing,read alot of books
    thats what i do...
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  3. #3
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    Re: Intimidation

    Thanks, I have read my good share. Can't seem to find a good book that I haven't read, though. But any actually criticism on how its written? Anything that could make it better?
    [center:3a1kmh8b][/center:3a1kmh8b]

  4. #4
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    Re: Intimidation

    Well,read poetic books like Jean De La Fontaine to improve your grammar
    And..just write stuff....

    Lolz i don't have lots of idea's
    Hope this post helps
    [center:ji6vm37x]|Animations|

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chain
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  5. #5
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    Re: Intimidation

    You have a great way of telling the story, and giving great pictures with lots of detail, so one can see it like a movie while reading.
    Great job, very good.
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  6. #6
    M G
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    Re: Intimidation

    One thing for sure, it was unbeliveably entertaining. Some spellings are wrong, but all you have to do is go over them.

    Your story definitely grips the reader, and pulls them along with it. Empathy is well used, and the story has a very nice feel to it.

    Although, the start of Chapter 1 seems a bit bland, and slightly hard to picture. But god, that sounded professional. Good job, mate.

    Also, those paragraphs before Chapter 1, yeah..they seem at first like you're talking about a gay pedophile rapist. D:

    stay legend

  7. #7
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    Re: Intimidation

    Dude. That's insane!
    Woah, that blew me away. The description was amazing.
    Dude, carry on im like Mcdonals.
    MAMAMA IM LOVING IT!
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  8. #8
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    Re: Intimidation|Chapter 2 Released

    Okay guys, big update.

    I took all of your feedback and fixed up chapter one. And I just wrote chapter two as well. Its not as long as chapter one, because there wasn't as much to talk about.

    But I hope you still enjoy it, and like always, I want lots of criticism. Thanks.

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  9. #9
    Veteran Enthusiast DeanEtc's Avatar


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    Re: Intimidation|Chapter 2 Released

    This is pretty freaking good I actually can't wait for the next chapter. Keep it up!

    Also, your teacher is seriously going to let you write the word hell? No fair, if I did that I'd get suspended lol

  10. #10
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    Re: Intimidation|Chapter 2 Released

    Quote Originally Posted by Dean
    your teacher is seriously going to let you write the word hell? No fair, if I did that I'd get suspended lol
    Yeah, Me too..

    The best one I've seen. I love it, I was gonna quit reading it, Like most of the others. I never read them complete, But I kept reading and reading.

    Awesome. I love it.
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