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  1. #1
    Fanatic Enthusiast Vices's Avatar

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    Zelter - Blood and Steel

    A raging fire engulfed engulfed the field of barley, casting a crimson glare upon the battleground.

    A lowly man was leading the main platoon of Adepts, (those who are bound with the power of an element of thier choice) and Mages,(those who take power in from the elements and twist them to thier needs) against the Obscrater horde, and to their dislike, were being drove back.
    " Release the Atertigri!" Screamed a rookie, when a crashing gate of metal came tumbling down, releasing the blood-hungry creatures; black, deeper than night with piercing crimson stripes, snarls of freedom escaped as they galloped into the killing floor, dragging Gan and Shadowrain forces down with them, the battle's tide had suddenly been turned, but not for long.

    In a flurry of blood and vital organs, a purple wing reigned above the field, like a mountain rising from the depths of an ocean the beholder appeared after it, with a reign of death and destruction, fire and ember, ground and rock, Lair, the Beholder, the Old God of life and death, had entered the fray.


  2. #2
    Veteran Enthusiast DAMON's Avatar


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    Re: Zelter - Blood and Steel

    You should always write what you want, so if you like the story, keep on writing.

    To me, though, it's all terribly formula. Good vs evil? Shadowrain forces? It even has the word shadow in there. That's terrible. You also throw terms around that haven't been defined; adepts? What are those? I've heard use of the term in the Golden Sun games to describe those that can magically control the elements, but that's hardly a term ingrained in the public conscience. You introduce Zel by saying "an adept dubbed Zel lead the charge". Not only does "dubbed" sound silly in this context, but it's a boring way to introduce a character. Don't get me wrong, a blood pumping battle might be a good way of introducing him, but to just outright go "this is Zel, and here he is" is a little boring. You might want to introduce us to him a little first, describe him a bit, stuff like that. Like with adepts, "the beholder" is never explained to us. Again, I know of beholders from D&D lore, but they don't have purple wings, so I hardly think we're talking about the same thing here. Same goes for Shadowrain, by the way. I've only assumed they're evil because there's the word shadow in their name. For all I know it could be a horde of knitting grannies. Explain situations, describe environments, try to immerse the reader in the story, engage their imagination. Make them feel like they're actually there. That's the kind of stuff that makes a good narrative.

    Nitpicks include "misty haze" being redundant and a rookie having the authority to demand the release of what seems like one of the most important elements of the battle strategy.

  3. #3
    Fanatic Enthusiast Vices's Avatar

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    Re: Zelter - Blood and Steel

    I'll make some edits and see where it goes from there, thanks Damon.



 

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