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  1. #1
    Veteran Enthusiast Pharaoh's Avatar

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    Supremacy- Part I 2/3 finished.

    [center:36v1ixvt]SUPREMACY
    Part I

    [spoiler:36v1ixvt]Chapter I- Bersia
    A century ago, Bersia was the weakest country of the continent. Filled with poverty, death, and unusable land, Bersia was useless to conquerors. It's neighboring country, Cerdia, terrorized nearby Bersian villages, looting all the things they can get. Since Bersia was too poor to have it's own armed forces, local militias were formed, and among one of them was the Sherken. The Sherken rebuilt villages, protected borders, and farmed. A man named Greffin Betheldem led the Sherken, and one day chose to overthrown the current Berisan Government, so they may help Bersia rise. During Winter's High, the Sherken invaded the Palace of Bersia, and beheaded every member of the royal family. That day was called Passage Day, becasue the Bersian people have now passed their age of poverty, and the same day Greffin Betheldem was crowned king.
    The Bersians gained most of their economy from weaponry and agriculture, which was at it's highest price during that time. Bersia's drastic change intimidated neighboring countries, which cause some tension between them. As Bersia improved, it's cities became congested and crowded, which led them to expansion. Over the next 75 years, Bersia's size grew threefold.
    Chapter I.V- Hertha
    Hertha is a pleasant country. Most of it is rural, and the most occupied areas are around the Herthan Peninsula. Hertha has a good economy, but holds a small and weak armed forces. Hertha has a district system, which revolves around their sacred monuments, called the Templar Relics. The Templar Relics increase the nature around it, giving Hertha good agriculture, hence their good economy. Unlike Bersia, Hertha has been at peace for over two centuries, and has flourished since then.
    Chapter II- Enter, War.
    (To be continued.)[/spoiler:36v1ixvt]
    [/center:36v1ixvt]
    [center:3mz8yq62][/center:3mz8yq62]

  2. #2
    Veteran Enthusiast DAMON's Avatar


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    Re: Supremacy- Prelude.

    It's a little short to really critique, but here goes:

    First of all, I'll be quick to remind you that while I am often quite quick and ruthless when it comes to criticizing, that should not discourage you from writing. If you keep at it, you'll get better. If you take my advice into account you'll get better at it even quicker. That said, though, there's plenty wrong with what you wrote.
    Those flags really aren't necessary, they're not even vital to the plot.
    Describing which coasts Bersia touches really is nonsensical and servers only to distract, confuse and bore the reader. I mean, I understand you were going for a fancy way of saying "They got all dem lands", but this surely isn't it.
    Don't use two words where one would serve the exact same purpose: "worldwide supremacy" or "worldwide domination" are fine, using both looks silly and breaks flow. Stop trying to fluff up your story by adding random fancy words, you're not making your story longer in any valuable way nor are you making it a better literary work by adding fancy words.
    Also, war was called? I think you mean war was declared. That entire sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because you're basically saying the same thing twice. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't a run-on sentence. Use a period if you can, alright? "A war council was called, and a war declared. The Great Bersian War was about to start." See, much better already, and all I did was change simple punctuation. Personally, I'd rewrite the entire thing to sound less wonky, but this is still your story, of course.
    This is basically just children's writing:
    "so there's two countries. One is big and really strong, the other small but they really like plants -and have inexplicably not been crushed whereas all other opposition has- and they have magic. So one day the two get into a fight, but I'll tell you more about that later."

    That's about what I can think of right off the bat. Point of irony: My critique is longer than your story.

  3. #3
    Veteran Enthusiast Slashed's Avatar



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    Re: Supremacy- Prelude.

    That's your prelude?

    It doesn't sound like you are trying to write a prelude. It sounds like you're telling your mate a brief idea and expecting them to know what you are going on about. A prelude sets the story, and gives a slight idea of what/who may come into the book. What you've supplied here is more of a preface of general world knowledge.

    And the Bersia flag... Redo it.

  4. #4
    Veteran Enthusiast Pharaoh's Avatar

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    Re: Supremacy- Prelude.

    Alright, thanks guys.
    @Damon- Yeah, the story was bad, but I'll try my best to fix it.
    @Slashed- I saw my flaws. And I'll take the flags out. Cause right now, they seem like something just something I just randomly made in MS paint.
    [center:3mz8yq62][/center:3mz8yq62]

  5. #5
    Veteran Enthusiast Liam's Avatar

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    Re: Supremacy- Prelude.

    Way too short to be a real prelude, and war stories are rather hard to write. Good luck.
    [center:1h4aebo3]
    You want to know the difference.. between a weak burger, and a burger that has STRENGTH?
    [/center:1h4aebo3]

  6. #6
    Veteran Enthusiast Pharaoh's Avatar

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    Re: Supremacy- Part I 2/3 finished.

    Updated, Part I- Chapter I,I.V finished. Chapter II to be continued.
    [center:3mz8yq62][/center:3mz8yq62]


 

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