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  1. #1
    Enthusiast Tryptamine's Avatar
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    They live within the depths.. [Chp. 2 added]

    I'm refraining from posting this in the Literature section just because that place is so dead. Just working on a rough draft of a story. It's pretty bare right now, just tell me anything that i could do to improve it or clean it up more.


    Prologue
    [spoiler:22qs28uo]In a small port on a remote pacific island, there is a town. This town lay just along an inward curved coast line of the island. This town is known as Piaputeu. Apparent translation from an unknown language used on the island somewhere. Only a hundred something people inhabit this dot on the map. Just behind and surrounding the port, lay dense inhospitable forestry, in which settlers of the island never dared to explore. The native peoples are said to still live in the surroundings, somewhere around the mountain that lay in the epicenter of the island like an upside down top. The mountain can be seen from anywhere on the island, puncturing its cold peak up through the low clouds of the islands tropical climate. Its sharp peak always has a little dip of snow sliding down its steep slopes, which is so white; itís reflected light gleams at night.

    With the handful of people who live in Piaputeu, is a research scientist, known to all the residents as "The isles Sage". He is lured as the wisest man of the island. He came to the island as a young boy of about five years, with his father who was an early settler to Piaputeu. He mustered collections of books and records revering anything he could find out about the island. He would venture just passed the forest line as a teenager and spend days at a time in the ďForbiddenĒ forest much to his fatherís dismay. He returned with maps of what he explored and the terrain. He had a habit of keeping his findings all to himself, which badgered many people in the town.

    Nowadays he is quite an old man. He lives in a hut just on the edge of the forest so he can study any occurrences he notices, for he is far too old to venture deep into the depths of the forest as he used to. Now he sits in his wooden chair beside his shelf of journals, slowly sipping the tea made from leaves of special plants he brought back years ago from journeys. His dimly lit hut emits a calm glow at night, and is perched high above the trees as so all the residents of Piaputeu can see the calm glow. Little puffs of smoke blow their way out of his chimney, sending a faint signal to everyone that the wise man is still working. And he ganders out his window through his beady spectacles observing and thinking of how the island works, and how it may work.

    But just some years ago, maybe 20 or 30 the Sage would wonder the forests while he was still young. Some of these journeys he remembers well, some he doesnít recall at all, as they were too boring. But some he remembers above all others because of the excitement or things that may have happened. One in particular he remembers the best. And surely he will never forget.[/spoiler:22qs28uo]

    Chapter I
    [spoiler:22qs28uo]Chapter I
    Morning fog

    October 23rd, 1937
    It was quite early in the morning, for the sun had just peeked itís little glow over the mountain. Farmers of Piaputeu, who were always the first to wake, were busy working on fields and harvesting their crops. A dull tropical fog, gently blanketed the town, sweeping along the forest hills, and dipping into the bay were Piaputeu lay, spilling out onto the coastal waters. The dew covered everything with its beads, but so lightly as not to render anything damp or wet.

    Just along the west side of town, were the highest levels of vegetation grew, was a house. In it lived a settler. His name was Thomson Deaken. He had traveled from France in 1930 along with a handful of others in search of a new pacific island. Their discovery was the quaint, tropical isle of which Piaputeu now rest. Along with Thomson was his son, Elliot Deaken. Elliot was 12 and had been well educated with the townís books, most of which he stole from the library and Research center. He was rather short, but thin and nimble. He had dark brown hair and eyes as blue as the coastal waters. His face was thin and curious looking, as if when he looked at you, he was thinking of everything and why it may be.

    By morning, Elliot was already in the forbidden forest as he had been doing for the past three years. He never planned much ahead as all he carried was a field book and his Dadís pistol. He had setup checkpoints through the forest, marking where he had traveled to and so he would not become lost in the dense maze. As he traveled that morning he came to his furthest checkpoint. Quite bored with all he had explored, Elliot decided to go further. He hiked his way past the tower of sticks that marked his checkpoint and deeper into the forest. The morning fog was getting heavier as Elliot noticed the forest was now moving into a dip. After a few hours of trudging trough the thick, branch infested environment, Elliot figured he must have been below sea level by now as he had been hiking downhill for quite some time.

    The sunlight was now dimming out from the dense trees and vegetation. Elliot used the faint sight of the fog to tell which direction town was in. He decided to rest for a short period of time as his legs were beginning to get tired. He searched for a good place to sit and found a perfect round boulder wedged in between two slanting trees.

    He sat down and began to observe his surroundings. As he looked out he saw millions on millions of trees and bright green moss covering them. And from there, the mammoth sized palm leaves that hung so elegantly from the forest top. Beyond the trees there were colorful flowers which flooded the ground, swaying ever so lightly in the morning wind. The sounds of exotic birds had been ringing so long, Elliot did not even notice; as they had become background noise to him. Elliot wiped his cold tired face and sprung to his legs to take one last look around before he began to walk again.


    The terrain had become flatter now, but still became ever denser. The heat of the afternoon was setting in as more sunlight was coming in through the trees, and the fog slowly evaporated away. Elliot was becoming quite tired but was too excited to turn back as he knew the return would be boring.

    So with his curiosity, Elliot Deaken kept on forward in hopes of finding something that would amaze him. But afternoon was coming to an end and Elliot knew his father would wonder where he is. Eventually at some point he decided to head back. Dragging his tired feet behind him, he hiked back. But the morning fog had been long gone and Elliot had no way to tell which direction Piaputeu was.

    He looked around worryingly trying to find out how he would get back. He and the forest grew silent and darker and the birds left for their nests. Soon Elliot could not see three feet ahead of him and the low hum of the insects roared over the trees. He felt the cold currents sweeping through the trees and the mist from the wet trees spray him.
    Now the air was cold and damp. The afternoon was passed and now the sunlight was deadening. ďIt hasnít felt like a day yetĒ Elliot thought to himself as he flipped frantically through his field book, looking for some kind of way to navigate back.

    The pages stubbornly flipped back from the light updraft and the water droplets from the trees above were staining the ink. Elliot struggled to keep the book open, still looking for a way to find his way out. As he turn the page again, fighting itís own urge to flip the other way, he spotted the instructions for a compass. Elliot cautiously read the information, but the sunlight had almost gone and the forest was a very unfortunate place to be at night. Soon he gave up as he knew it would be impossible to read the book now. Elliot closed the soaking wet field guide and sat down beside a tree. His feet sunk into the loose wet ground and the leaves blew into a turbulence around him. It was now night time and Elliot stay still and quiet looking around. The forest was also still and quiet,
    only the sounds of wind against the trees and small insects wandering about.[/spoiler:22qs28uo]

    Chapter 2 UNFINISHED
    [spoiler:22qs28uo]Chapter II
    Dreams



    Elliot struggled to keep his tired eyes open but his head felt so heavy as it titled over. He slowly dozed off, forgetting about the forest around him and anything else. His arms fell lifelessly to his sides and he sunk sideways into the leaves and dirt on the ground. He breathed slowly and quietly. His mind was now slipping ever so quickly into a dream. His senses seemed to vanish and everything and anything closed around him as a surrealism blanketed his thoughts.

    Now he was somewhere else. He felt as though he was somewhere but he could not think were or why. Then some visual things came into clearing. Maybe the color blue he thought, there was an orb of endless, infinite blue now and little clouds floated by so slowly you could not tell they moved. But the blue was moving to, it was twisting around and bending, but then he looked again and nothing was happening.

    Elliotís mind was enveloped in the fantasy, surreal ness as his thoughts and senses were mixed and contorted. Suddenly an unfamiliar sound echoed through his mind. He tried to listen again to hear what it was but he was trapped and his ears were sealing shut. Everything was swirling around in an invisible mass but again he heard the sound, like a sharp growl. To Elliot, it sounded familiar but he couldnít tell from where. The more he thought about it the more his senses were coming back, until he heard the sound again, it sounded like a screaming growl, but sounded like it was off in the distance.

    Immediately the sound of a leopard raced through his mind, his legs jerked and his eyes bolted open. He sprang to his feet within seconds, looking around frantically. From the corner of his eye, Elliot faintly saw a leopard in the heights of a tree. He squinted his eyes to see better but the wild animal had leaped from the branch towards him already. Elliot tried to dodge the leopard but its spear like paws had hit Elliot in the head, as the beast flew over him with a rush of air. He fell to the ground with a hard thud, his head barely missing a rock. Elliot opened his eyes to see a flurry of leaves around him and the sound of the leopard just behind him. He quickly sprung up again and dived his hand towards his side, taking out his dadís pistol. Elliot took no time to aim and pulled the trigger.

    The air, trees, and ground around him lit up like daytime, a loud report rushed through Elliotís ears and smoke rushed past his face, choking him. The bullet had ripped itís way through a tree and out the other side into oblivion. The leopard ran quickly past Elliot into the darkness behind him.

    His face was now frozen; he pivoted his body slowly, letting the pistol hang to his side, as he looked off into the dark trees and vines ahead. As he breathed, his condensed breath engulfed around his eyes likes a thick smoke. Breathing slowly, and quietly, not daring to blink, Elliot pushed his left leg out, cautiously taking a step forward.[/spoiler:22qs28uo]


    Please, If you notice any mistakes or something that could be fixed, tell me
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  2. #2
    Insanity Skype's Avatar



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    Re: Story?

    Moved to literature section.

  3. #3
    Enthusiast Tryptamine's Avatar
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    Re: Story?

    Quote Originally Posted by Skype
    Moved to literature section.
    Now it's going to die D:
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  4. #4
    Global Champyon Stickid's Avatar



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    Re: Story?

    Truly impressive. I'm pretty sucked in to this story so far.
    It's a great premise, looks like it will make a promising story.

    The descriptive language is just beautiful, I want to keep reading it.
    Great job with the feeling of mystery too, if there is anything I would change, it would be an even greater sense of wonder and mystery.

  5. #5
    Enthusiast Tryptamine's Avatar
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    Re: Story?

    Quote Originally Posted by MrStickid
    Truly impressive. I'm pretty sucked in to this story so far.
    It's a great premise, looks like it will make a promising story.

    The descriptive language is just beautiful, I want to keep reading it.
    Great job with the feeling of mystery too, if there is anything I would change, it would be an even greater sense of wonder and mystery.
    Thanks man, I got about 2 chapters in so far. I'll make an update soon, just need to revise a few key adjectives.
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  6. #6
    Global Champyon Stickid's Avatar



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    Re: They live within the depths.. [Chp. 2 added]

    Man, this is really great. I am still quite sucked in to this story.
    Again, great job with the sense of mystery, you really aced it with these new chapters.

    I noticed a few mistakes, thought I'd point them out.
    Quote Originally Posted by Trey
    His face was thin and curious looking, as if he when he looked at you, he was thinking of everything and why it may be.
    It should read: His face was thin and curious looking, as if when he looked at you, he was thinking of everything and why it may be.

    Quote Originally Posted by Trey
    Elliotís mind was enveloped in the fantasy, surreal ness as his thoughts
    It should read: Elliotís mind was enveloped in the fantasy, surrealism as his thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Trey
    Elliot toke no time to aim and pulled the trigger.
    It should read: Elliot took no time to aim and pulled the trigger.

    I can really feel the action, suspense, and pure curiosity you are portraying.
    Keep it up, this story is wonderful. Also, great job with all the specifics, I love the details, names, and places. It's so much better to read the story when you know certain facts that make it altogether more interesting.

  7. #7
    Enthusiast Tryptamine's Avatar
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    Re: They live within the depths.. [Chp. 2 added]

    Thanks for the help, fixed it up
    And glad you're into it, didn't think it'd turn out
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