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  1. #1
    Regular Member .Robert's Avatar
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    Need a book name: [UPDATE]: [9/29/10]

    Hello everyone. This is the beginning of a book I am writing, yes, a book, that I hope to finished sometime in highschool. Some of you may think it is a little to early for me to start writing a book, seeing as I am only 13, but I think I have a pretty fair vocabulary, and have a good sense of grammar. I hope you guys enjoy. Also, I would enjoy some CC. Also guys, I need a book name.

    Prologue [Unfinished]:
    [center:q6cm7rqn]I woke up, and I had a sudden surge of pain in my head. My body felt as if there was a hundred pound weight tied to each of my limbs, feeling heavier then I ever have. I felt very restricted, as if I had a type of armor on. I was not quite sure where I was, what was going on, or why I was even here. The room had a feel of pure sadness. The air was thick, making me feel like I would choke on every breath I take. The room itself was damp, for I could feel what felt like... wet sand on my feet. As I was realizing all of this, I had the slight sense of something crawling around me. Little did I know that what happens next, would change my life forever.

    What happened next, was all a blur. I remember hearing a door slam open, and a bunch of flashes. I heard screaming, and the alertness of the words "GET OUT!" With only a second having passed, I was on my feet, heading for the door. Right as I was about to escape through the door, I got tackled by something; something with the body of a human, but the head is completely obliterated. Seeing as I played a lot of games as a kid, I knew exactly what it was; a zombie.[/center:q6cm7rqn]

    [center:q6cm7rqn]____________________________________________________________________________________________________[/center:q6cm7rqn]
    That is all for now guys. I will constantly update this thread. Reinstating: I need a book name.

    Work Log:
    [spoiler:q6cm7rqn][9/29/10] - Updated the prologue.
    [9/28/10] - New Beginning of Prologue.
    [9/28/10] - Restarted. Following a new plot.
    [9/26/10] - Began the beginning/prologue of "Wasteland"[/spoiler:q6cm7rqn]
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    Credits to Heathar for the wonderfull signature.
    I am proud of my good friend, Camel, on his accomplishment of earning Rank Team, as I hope to get there myself.
    Lithium for Moderator.
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  2. #2
    Enthusiast Tryptamine's Avatar
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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    It's not bad. It could use some work though, it seems kind of rushed, needs more input into the main idea and more flow.
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  3. #3
    Regular Member .Robert's Avatar
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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    Thanks Trey. I love the fact that you gave me some wonderful CC. I hope to follow it.
    [center:1u3vzuna]
    Credits to Heathar for the wonderfull signature.
    I am proud of my good friend, Camel, on his accomplishment of earning Rank Team, as I hope to get there myself.
    Lithium for Moderator.
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  4. #4
    Fanatic Enthusiast Shannon's Avatar


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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    Quote Originally Posted by Zyanourix
    It was a warm, settling day in July, when all seemed normal. My life was going great. I was simply cruising along in my brand new car, when something completely unexpected happened; a bomb hit my car.
    Before I get into details, my name is Jake Duliate, and I am 17 years old. My main ethinic background is Greek. I was born in Greece in the year 2012, on the day July 13th. I only have a dad, for my mom left us when I was merely a toddler. Now, I am living in the year 2029, in the apocolyptic wasteland you call earth. A huge nuclear bomb went off in 2012 that caused an extreme mass of radiation to spread across the whole eastern side. Our new "ruler", who can be a real pain, renamed "earth" to the new, greek name "Panagiotakis".
    It was a warm day, a warm and pleasent day; humid, but only to the point it draws out a few beads of sweat from your pores; but nonetheless it was settling, quiet and settling. My life as I see it has been going great lately, well at least going above average, I had recently got my lisence and a brand new (well it was used, but its new to me) Mustang GT that my parents were so kind enough to buy me. So what else would I be doing but driving around town looking at the girls? Oh how there were so many girls, but as I was, as some people say "checking out the honeys", something caught my ear. A whistle. Not just a whistle, a whistle that soon turned into an ear peircing, deafening screech that ripped my whole head apart; between the screech and the yells of pedestrians all around me I couldn't think.

    What could this be?

    It all went dark. It was a bomb.





    Just how I would write the opening few lines, it's not that good, I'm just trying how you should go more into detail. Try and show how your character thinks, how he acts; let your audince connect with him. Also, try and build up suspense, try and show the bomb hitting was a big deal.

  5. #5
    Veteran Enthusiast Liam's Avatar

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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    I actually started writing a story called Wasteland a while ago, it was going rather well. This reminded me of it. Thanks.

    As for your story, it could use more description.
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  6. #6
    Regular Member .Robert's Avatar
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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    Thanks guys. You're a major help!
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    Credits to Heathar for the wonderfull signature.
    I am proud of my good friend, Camel, on his accomplishment of earning Rank Team, as I hope to get there myself.
    Lithium for Moderator.
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  7. #7
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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    I'm going to go against the grain on this one. The main problem with your writing is that no one speaks like that, ever. The second problem is that I disagree with the above posters, in writing, less is more. Ignore everything your teacher's told you about writing, instead of "bending down slowly to pick up the metallic green ball point pen" you "bend down and pick up the pen".

    My name is Jake Duliate, and I'm 17 years old. I was born in Greece in the year 2012, July 13th. I only have a dad, mom left us when I was a toddler. It's the year 2029, in the apocolyptic wasteland you call earth. A huge nuclear bomb went off in 2012 that caused an extreme mass of radiation to spread across the whole eastern side. Our new "ruler", renamed "earth" to the new, Greek name "Panagiotakis".

    For what it's worth, my life was going great. I was cruising along in my new car, and that's when everything went to shit.
    I've removed the odd word or two, and added a few.

    My main CC, don't ever open a story with the weather, it's boring and cliche. To be honest the background history doesn't seem natural, but every writer finds it hard to introduce a back story in first person.

    Last problem, this guy was born the same year a nuclear bomb exploded and apparently wiped out a whole lot of stuff, he doesn't sound like a survivor, a character like that would logically be jaded, sarcastic and/or bitter. And his situation certainly doesn't merit flowery description, the guy should be a Utilitarian, rough round the edges, simply due to the nature of his life.

  8. #8
    Regular Member .Robert's Avatar
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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    Wow.

    God, I really have to get better at writing.

    Thanks ?himaera.
    [center:1u3vzuna]
    Credits to Heathar for the wonderfull signature.
    I am proud of my good friend, Camel, on his accomplishment of earning Rank Team, as I hope to get there myself.
    Lithium for Moderator.
    [/center:1u3vzuna]

  9. #9
    Global Champyon Stickid's Avatar



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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    I agree with Chimaera, but heavy description can be a powerful writing tool if used correctly.
    The Road is a widely acclaimed post-apocalyptic book by Cormac McCarthy, centered entirely on heavy description. I would suggest reading it if you are interested in the post-apocalyptic genre.

    As for your story, I'm having a hard time knowing all the details right from the start. I know you are describing the setting, but I think it would be so much better if you led the reader into the story, allowing them to gradually discover that there was a nuclear attack for themselves.

    That's just my judgement based on what you have written so far. If you have an outstanding plot that isn't directly related to the explosion I would just go with what you have.

    And I would clean it up a bit, make it much more subtle. Try to make the readers think, make them wonder how things came about. Remember I am Legend? You don't find out what actually happened until like halfway through the movie. Even The Road isn't entirely clear till about halfway through the book.

    Try to capture that feeling, instead of giving away all the good stuff right from the get-go.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Erup's Avatar
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    Re: The Start of my new book [yes book] Wasteland.

    The idea is kinda corny, don't you think?
    Anyway, it was ok but your sentences should be more elaborated and detailed, this would result in a more interesting book, in my opinion, of course.
    [center:1vms8s0o]...which is why Jimi hendrix is God, period.[/center:1vms8s0o]


 
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