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Thread: Lock Please

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    52

    Lock Please

    Lock and Bin?
    One day, I hope to become a moderator on darkdemon.

    The Assassin's Creed Series Is Amazing, Check My Thread On It here.

  2. #2
    Global Champyon Stickid's Avatar



    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Mexico
    Posts
    4,307

    Re: Something I'm Writing

    Fairly interesting.
    There's a few grammar and spelling mistakes you need to fix up, but otherwise the structure is ok.

    The prologue completely throws me off, what does his dream have to do with the story? It's not a big deal it's just confusing. Also, it seems pretty crazy that his sister took his chair, broke his DS AND his laptop, and he's not having a total meltdown. I know that in the moment, I would absolutely flip out. The whole scene flies by pretty quick as well. If you are trying to get the reader to develop a connection to the main character, you need to take more time with your scenes, and let the reader really FEEL like they are a part of the story.

    Otherwise, the premise of the story seems interesting enough. Just try to not throw a lot of extraordinary circumstances into the story, don't make it like a little kid's movie, with stuff happening all over the place.

    Take your time, let the reader feel like they are in this house, with this character. Experiencing the same emotions and sharing time with him. And, keep writing!

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    52

    Re: Something I'm Writing

    Quote Originally Posted by MrStickid
    Fairly interesting.
    There's a few grammar and spelling mistakes you need to fix up, but otherwise the structure is ok.

    The prologue completely throws me off, what does his dream have to do with the story? It's not a big deal it's just confusing. Also, it seems pretty crazy that his sister took his chair, broke his DS AND his laptop, and he's not having a total meltdown. I know that in the moment, I would absolutely flip out. The whole scene flies by pretty quick as well. If you are trying to get the reader to develop a connection to the main character, you need to take more time with your scenes, and let the reader really FEEL like they are a part of the story.

    Otherwise, the premise of the story seems interesting enough. Just try to not throw a lot of extraordinary circumstances into the story, don't make it like a little kid's movie, with stuff happening all over the place.

    Take your time, let the reader feel like they are in this house, with this character. Experiencing the same emotions and sharing time with him. And, keep writing!
    1. It's not his dream, it's something I'm working up to.
    2. Okay.
    One day, I hope to become a moderator on darkdemon.

    The Assassin's Creed Series Is Amazing, Check My Thread On It here.


 

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