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  1. #1
    Dedicated Member Death Warrant's Avatar
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    Better Life (Chpt two finished)

    Chapter one
    As I stared out the window, I reflected on my life. Get the fuck out of here, we don't want you1. I shook my self out of the flashback and back to the real world. I was leaving the planet for a new life. "Prepare for launch in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,----! I did not here the last part as the engines ignited. I was gone.
    22 Years Later
    My craft was drifting across a planet that could support life. I smelled smoke but did not heed it. I began descent into the atmosphere, when an alarm went off. ROOF! ROOF! ROOF! I franticly hurried to the monitor. Flames streaked around me, red lights casting even more turmoil. From the back of the ship, my friend Michael awoke.

    "What the fuck is going on!" he yelled.

    "We're burning up!" I cried.

    "Can you fly this thing burning!?" he yelled over the clamor.


    "No, but I can certainly crash it!" I yelled.

    And that is exactly what I did.

    We sped towards the surface screaming. From the distance, a small hunting party watched our descent.

    We slammed into the crust. A hatch popped open and we stumbled out. We were both dazed and I had blood streaming down my forehead.

    "Where the hell are we?" I mumbled.

    "You are at Haritia." a voice said behind us. If I wasn't so tired, I would have jumped right back to Earth.

    I turned around and saw a humanoid man. However, he had more arcane and reptilian features.

    The Haratians were amazingly friendly. They showed us out of the desert in which we had crashed. They gave us living quarters. I noticed they were more advanced than humans, but did not work their technology well. They gave us several weapons and said we would want them.

    It turned out that the Haratians were in a war with a technologically advanced race called the Posvenia. They were larger, had better weapons, armor, and were far more intelligent. They were cruel and were invading Haritia from Posvenia, a neighboring planet.

    Michael and I had been on Haritia for weeks, which passed into months. We recovered, and enjoyed our lives very much. We had not seen any Posvenian troops, but we were appointed soldiers. We had trained troops, and were both awarded the rank General.

    In the distance, we saw a flame. Guys with pincer mouthes got out. We knew the description. We rode into the main city in a fast moving hovering vehicle yelling "The Posvenians are coming! The Posvenians are coming!"

    We rounded together the Haritian forces and began the battle. Flames streaked towards us as they opened fire with energy rifles. We returned fire with plasma. Michael was so skilled with a plasma pistol that he was called Plasmus.

    "Oh shit!" I yelled as reinforcements came from the mountains. It was my first real battle, and it was exhilarating. I beat them down so easily, I almost laughed. Okay, maybe I did laugh.

    A Posvenian grabbed me and was about to snap my neck with his mouth when a bolt of crackling plasma hit him in the mouth. I later noticed that Michael was holding a smoking gun.

    I blew the head off another Posvenian and they fled to the mountains in the distance. The war had yet to get interesting.

    Chapter two
    [spoiler:3pdnvhnw]BOOM!! “Sound the alarm!” Michael yelled in panic.

    We were defending the city of Deviid’Nes from the Posvenians for three days. If we lost the city, the Posvenians would march on to Dreona-Las, then onto Haritia City, capital of the Haritian Empire.

    “Unleash the Lyathumn!” I roared. Lyathumn were three man cars with an open top and a replaceable weapon turret on top. The weapons included machine guns, rocket launchers, and smoke guns for training. My personal Lyathum (that’s the singular for vehicles) was called Undobtr.

    The Lyathumn rode out with Haslathmn (These are identical to Halo falcons, as that is where they got the idea, when Michael mentioned them) above us. My personal Haslathm is called the Naedlar. “Oh shit!” I yelled in anger as Baslithmn which are identical to Haslathmn, with an extra hatch where a gunner could hide, flew from the mountains far in the distance.

    The Baslithmn opened fire, full automatic. I winced as a burning Lyathum flew over my head. “How the hell are we supposed to take those down?!” Michael yelled hopelessly. I laughed, and bellowed “FIRE!!” Michael blazed the machine gun at the Baslithmn and succeeded in blowing three up.

    But it was not to last. A Posvenian jumped and landed on me. I gagged and thought “This is the end.” It picked me up and closed its pincers on my head. I screamed in agony as it tore through my flesh. I lost depth perception and realized it had severed my right eye from my brain.

    With a surge of strength, I tore off its left pincer and stabbed the alien through the chest. It was dead before it fell off the Undobtr.

    I staggered back to the controls, and my vision started to darken. The last thing I saw was a medical Haslathm descend for me. Then I blacked out.

    “He’s waking up.” I heard a voice say. I sat up and saw Michael standing next to me with a grim face. “What happened?” I croaked. “You fainted from loss of blood.” Michael informed me. I grabbed a mirror and stared. I had a prosthetic eye, which was green; though I found out I could change the color according to my vision. There was a foot long scar from my ear down to my neck. “Very nice.” I thought. “I can use this image.”

    I started to stand up but Michael pushed me down. “You need your rest.” He told me. “You can’t fight for the next five days. And so Michael went back to the battle.

    Michael landed the Naedlar back at the front lines. He pulled out his pistol and began shooting at ground troops. An artillery shell exploded near him and sent him flying. He felt his head and frowned when he saw blood.

    The day went on. Michael slew nearly two hundred Posvenian troops alone. Then he saw a Lyathum arrive at the scene. I was driving (naturally). The Posvenians stopped fighting, muttered and pointed. “He is back from the dead.” One hissed in fear. But most shocked of them all was Michael. “Lee!” he gasped.

    The Posvenians fled to Cunein, the next city. We had won.[/spoiler:3pdnvhnw]

    And shot again. And again. And if you die you will still be shot again.
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  2. #2
    Mother Russia Cavolia's Avatar

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    Re: Better Life

    Though it is nice to read, it goes very rushed.
    Instead of falling from scene to scene within 6 sentences, try to tell something about the planet, how to people look in between.
    Just spread out the story some more with some unneccesary, though very lovely detail.
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  3. #3
    Dedicated Member Death Warrant's Avatar
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    Re: Better Life

    Quote Originally Posted by Cavolia
    Though it is nice to read, it goes very rushed.
    Instead of falling from scene to scene within 6 sentences, try to tell something about the planet, how to people look in between.
    Just spread out the story some more with some unneccesary, though very lovely detail.
    Thanks man.

    And shot again. And again. And if you die you will still be shot again.
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  4. #4
    Regular Member skullzb0n3's Avatar
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    Re: Better Life

    Maybe try animating this on pivot xD
    nice, i like it xD
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  5. #5
    Dedicated Member Death Warrant's Avatar
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    Re: Better Life (Chpt two finished)

    Update with Chapter two finished. Enjoy.

    And shot again. And again. And if you die you will still be shot again.
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