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  1. #1
    Devoted Veteran Crono's Avatar


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    something I wrote for creative writing

    We were told to write a short story or poem about the concept of 'What if a group of people didn't do the normal holiday celebrations?'. It had to be very dark and gritty, so I figured cannibalism would be a good choice. I wrote this in about 45 minutes. (I'm a lazy nigger).

    So yeah, read and tell me what you think:

    [spoiler:3aacx79n]A Stranger

    Through close corridors travel a congregation of cannibals. They weave through the tall brick walls of Manhattan on their way to a meeting of the flesh. This cult is lead by an intelligent man, who looks like a neighbor, or the man in the barber shop getting his beard trimmed. His name is John, and he commands a legion stained with taboo.

    “Let's make this Thanksgiving one we can truly be thankful for, Family.” John always addressed the members of the cult as family, as he knows these kind of people desire a family. Schizophrenics, rapists, sadists. These are the types of people John collects.
    “Yes, father.” hummed the family in synchronization. The Family meets in an old building deep into the rat infested part of Manhattan that breathes when the wind is heavy. John preaches from a makeshift pulpit behind a podium while his children huddle like crows on the dirt floors below him.
    “Tonight we feast my children.” whispered John as he pulled a phone book from the shelf of his podium. He opened to a random page, closed his eyes, and placed his finger randomly on the page.
    “Miller, Walter. 4650, Farnum Road.” John read aloud. He turned to another random page, closed his eyes, and placed his finger randomly on the page.
    “Ramirez, Joseph. 3948, North Street.” reported John. “Mr. Walter will be our first host of the night. Travel swiftly, but carefully my children. Mr. Walter awaits.” cackled John as he stepped down from the pulpit. The Family made their way into the night.

    “Tyler, eat your carrots. I don't want to have to tell you again!”
    “Fine, but I don't even like carrots.” replied a childish voice in a pouting tone.
    Walter Miller and his wife Jenny Miller had two kids. Clare, eleven years old, and Tyler, eight years old. Jenny had been cooking all of Thanksgiving day, and now she would spend the night cleaning the kitchen while Walter watched football and the kids played with their toys.
    “Dinner was delicious, hon. Are you sure you don't need any help with the kitchen?” asked Walter. Jenny knew he didn't want to help and that he was only asking to fool her into thinking he actually wanted to help.
    “It's fine, you don't want to miss your game, Walt.” she said, but Walter was already in the living room turning on the T.V.
    “Typical.” mumbled Jenny as she started to rinse the dirty dishes. She was soon halted when the doorbell rang.
    “You expecting someone, hon?” asked Walter from the living room.
    “No, not at this time of night.” The Miller's never received guests in the evening, and it was already nearly nine o' clock.
    “Will you answer that, Walt? I'm in the middle of cleaning the kitchen.” asked Jenny. After a long sigh John got up to unlock and answer the door. At the door frame stood a man, who looks like a neighbor, or a man in the barber shop getting his beard trimmed.
    “Hello, my name is John Fredrick. My car broke down just down the street and I need to call my brother for a ride. May I use your phone? It will only take a second.” John maintained a calm state, and remained friendly as to trick Walter into letting him in.
    “Uh, yeah, sure. Let me go and grab my cellphone from the kitchen. Just a sec'.”
    “No problem, take your time.” Walter made his way into the kitchen the grab the phone.
    “Who is it?” asked Jenny with concern in her voice.
    “Oh, it's just a guy asking to use the phone. His car broke down and he needs to call his brother or something.” replied Walter. Walter walked back into the living room and handed John the phone.
    “I'm going to step outside to talk to him, if you don't mind.” requested John. Walter nodded, barely even paying attention as he was distracted by his football game.

    John stepped outside, and crushed the phone with a stomp. The rest of The Family had been waiting for him outside, hiding amongst the trees.
    “Cut the electricity.” commanded John. A member of The Family had brought a pair of pruning shears to render the lights useless. He made his way around the Miller house to cut the cords. As soon as the cord had been cut, The Family made their way to the backdoor of the house.
    “What the fuck!? Goddamn power company!” shouted Walter when his football game turned off.
    “Walter! The kids can hear you!” shouted Jenny as she ran into the back of the house to Tyler's room. She grabbed a flashlight on a table at the end of the hall and opened the door to his room.
    “Are you kids okay? The power just randomly went out.”
    “Yeah, but Tyler is scared.” complained Clare.
    “No I'm not!” yelled Tyler angrily.
    “Tyler, don't yell! It's okay, take the flashlight and keep close to your sister.” Jenny went into the garage to try and find another flashlight. Walter stepped outside after he remember John had been using the phone.
    “Hey buddy, the power is out so you can't use the ph-” he quickly halted when he noticed John was nowhere to be found. “Did that son of a bitch steal my phone?!” Walter walked down the porch steps to look for John, but he was nowhere in sight. As he headed back towards the front door, he heard a loud crash and ran back inside the house. The backdoor was kicked open, lock broken.
    “Who the fuck is in here?! John?!” bellowed Walter.
    “Daddy, what was that noise?” ask Clare as she came down the hallway holding Tyler's hand.
    “I don't know, sweetie. Take your brother and go hide in your room. Let me use that flashlight.” Clare and Tyler quickly ran into Tyler's room and hid in the closet.
    “Jenny!” called Walter with fear shaking his voice. “Jenny!” he called again, but no answer. He heard a door open and a foot step inside the house and he shinned the light into the room where the sounds came from.
    “Jesus Christ, Walter! Stop with the light, I was in the garage!” complained Jenny while covering her eyes.
    “Who the fuck broke the backdoor?
    “What are you talking about, Walter? You're scaring me.”
    “Someone kicked down the backdoor on fuckin' Thanksgiving! No one is in the house though, they must have heard me yelling for that asshole that took off with our phone.”
    “Walter, that asshole who took our phone tried to break into our house! He obviously cut the power. You can't just let whoever into the house goddammit!” Jenny was becoming angry with Walter.
    “Jenny, be quiet.. I think someone is in the house.” Walter flashed the light into the corner of the living room and saw John sitting in a chair next to a bookshelf. Goosebumps sprouted all over Jenny and Walter. No one moved, they only breathed.
    “Get the fuck out of my house!” spewed Walter as he walked towards John.
    “Don't do anything foolish, Mr. Miller.” John stood up as Walter flashed the light into his eyes. Walter noticed there were several other stranger sitting on the furniture in the living room. Jenny shrieked and ran towards the kids, but was stopped by a man who had been standing behind her the entire time. She felt a cold tongue on the back of her neck. Walter turned to his wife's cries of help, but was jumped by four hungry members of The Family.
    “Thank you for being such fine dinner hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.” said John calmly. Yellow stained teeth bit down into Jenny's shoulder and blood hemorrhaged from the wound. She screamed and fell to the ground. Walter was forced to the ground as members of The Family tore through the skin on his gut and chewed on his innards. Their cries were muffled by the hands of the flesh-eaters.
    Only moments later The Family had finished their meal.
    “What about the children, father?” asked one of the men.
    “Find them, and bring them with us. They're the newest members of The Family.” They quickly found the children, and covered their mouths as to not make a scene and departed from the Miller house. Outside, John pulled a cellphone from his pocket and called 911.
    “911, what's your emergency?” answered the 911 operative.
    “Hello, I heard loud screams coming from 4650, Farnum Road just a few minutes ago. There were no lights on in the house. Could you send someone to check it out?”
    “Yes sir, thank you for reporting it.”
    “Always glad to help. Happy Thanksgiving.” John said as he ended the call with a smile.

    ***
    “The power was cut, and we found a smashed cell phone in the victim's driveway, Ramirez.”
    “Thank you, officer.” replied a young detective. Detective Ramirez had just been transferred to Manhattan Homicide and had never handled a case of such inhumanity. Ramirez walked under the yellow caution tape around the house and into the living room.
    “What are we dealing with here? Did someone hack this people to pieces or did someone take an angry dog to them? And where are the kids?” asked Ramirez. CSI was investigating the crime scene.
    “Well, you'll find this hard to believe, but these aren't canine teeth marks. These marks match the human mouth. And it wasn't a someone, there was a group. We believe the murderer took the kids with them.” replied the CSI agent.
    “You're telling me, we are dealing with fucking cannibal kidnappers?” demanded Ramirez.
    “It looks to be that way.” The Police Chief walked over to Ramirez.
    “Fucked up, isn't it? And on Thanksgiving.”
    “I'm not buying this cannibal bullshit, Chief. There is more to it. People just don't break into other peoples houses and fucking eat them.”
    “You'd be surprised, Ramirez. This is Manhattan Homicide. Anything can happen.”
    “Yeah, well I'm going to request a second investigation. But it's three o' clock in the morning, and I didn't get to see my family once this Thanksgiving. I'm going home Chief. I'll see you tomorrow.”
    “Take it easy, Ramirez.”
    “Yeah, I'll try.” remarked Ramirez as he got into his car. “Fuckin' cannibals. This can't be happening. CSI needs to get their head out of their ass and think realistically. Jesus fuckin' Christ.” Ramirez was talking to himself attempting to convince himself that the Miller's weren't eaten. “I need some fuckin' sleep. Manhattan Homicide, holy shit.”

    Ramirez pulled into his drive way and turned off his car. He took a moment to breath and pulled a picture of his family from under the sun-visor. Ramirez took a long moment to look at his wife and his son before he made his way into the house. As soon as he got in, he flipped on a light switch, but the the light didn't come on.
    “Dammit! I just paid the damn bill.” Ramirez said under his breath. He laid his things on the kitchen counter like he always did, careful to not make a lot of noise. “Where did I put that flashlight?” He stumbled around looking for the flashlight in the living room. When he found it, he turned it on to go check the breakers in the garage. He moved the light to follow his path, but noticed someone sitting on the couch. A man who looked like a neighbor or a man getting his beard trimmed in the barber shop. He quickly went to grab his pistol, but he had laid it on the kitchen counter.
    “Welcome home, Ramirez. Any news on the Miller case? Isn't that just awful?”
    “Who the fuck are you!? Where is my wife? My son? Answer me you piece of shit!” Ramirez was yelling as loud as he could. He didn't move the light from the strangers face.
    “Your wife was a fantastic dinner host. My Family really enjoyed her meal.” said John as he gave Ramirez a scarecrow smile. “We adopted your son as the newest member of our Family. We figured he would need a home.”
    Ramirez was weeping. He couldn't move. The rest of The Family lurched into the living room and surrounded Ramirez. Ramirez tried to fight them by punching and pushing, but he was overwhelmed. Screams of agony echoed through the halls and rattled the picture frames as Ramirez was being devoured.
    “911, what is your emergency?”
    “Hello, I heard loud screams from 3948, North Street. There were no lights on in the house. I'm just calling to report it.”
    “Thank you for the call, we will send the police to 3948, North Street.”
    “Always glad to help. Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving.” John said as he ended the call with a smile.[/spoiler:3aacx79n]
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  2. #2
    Devoted Veteran Crono's Avatar


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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    pardon the shitty layout, I just copy pasta'd this from Open Office and I don't have time to go back and fix it atm.
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  3. #3
    Dedicated Member Death Warrant's Avatar
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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    Tis' the season for cannibalism.

    And shot again. And again. And if you die you will still be shot again.
    My thread
    My New Website

  4. #4
    Devoted Veteran Crono's Avatar


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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    Quote Originally Posted by Death Warrant
    Tis' the season for cannibalism.
    go away
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  5. #5
    Dedicated Member Will's Avatar

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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    Considering that you only put 45 minutes into that story I thought that was great. My only problem with it was that some things were directly pointed out when I would have rather seen them demonstrated.
    This cult is lead by an intelligent man
    I would have rather seen that John was intelligent through his actions. Still, I liked the concept.


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  6. #6
    Devoted Veteran Crono's Avatar


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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    Quote Originally Posted by Will
    Considering that you only put 45 minutes into that story I thought that was great. My only problem with it was that some things were directly pointed out when I would have rather seen them demonstrated.
    This cult is lead by an intelligent man
    I would have rather seen that John was intelligent through his actions. Still, I liked the concept.

    Thanks man! I totally see what you're saying. I'm pretty sure a lot of my teachers have told me that exact same thing before.. heh. Thanks for the comment and the CC dude.
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  7. #7
    Insanity Skype's Avatar



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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    It's good but there are a few gripes I had with it.

    ohn always addressed the members of the cult as family, as he knows these kind of people desire a family
    This part seemed quite redundant to me. It's quite clear from his reference to them as "family" would indicate this. The first paragraph makes it obvious that it's not a literal family. I also think the description of the people in said cult would be better suited in the opening paragraph.

    “Well, you'll find this hard to believe, but these aren't canine teeth marks. These marks match the human mouth. And it wasn't a someone, there was a group. We believe the murderer took the kids with them.”
    I could be wrong but I doubt a CSI could identify more than one type of human bite mark whilst in the field. I watch too much csi: las vegas so this got on my nerves a bit :P

    “Welcome home, Ramirez. Any news on the Miller case? Isn't that just awful?”
    Considering the family got all their targets at random from a phone book, it'd be impossible for John to know that Ramirez was working on that specific case, let alone that he was a detective at all. Sure I guess there could be stuff lying about the house that would indicate his career but considering the eating of miller happened the same day, there wouldn't be any evidence to show he was working the case.

    And the last thing I didn't like was how you repeated the phrase;
    who looks like a neighbor, or the man in the barber shop getting his beard trimmed
    The second time you repeated it it was very fitting and made the story read out a lot better, but the third time it became too predictable.

  8. #8
    Devoted Veteran Crono's Avatar


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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    ^ all good points

    1. yeah, that does sound redundant, thanks
    2. I dunno SHIT about CSI, so I will take your word for it (perhaps I will change it)
    3. I should have had more filler that gave clues as to how John knew Ramirez, etc., good point son
    4. agreed, I'll remove it

    thanks for reading dude
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  9. #9
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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    Nice story dude, I never read anything about cannibalism before, but imo you pulled it off really well.

    “Thank you for being such fine dinner hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Miller.” said John calmly. Yellow stained teeth bit down into Jenny's shoulder and blood hemorrhaged from the wound. She screamed and fell to the ground. Walter was forced to the ground as members of The Family tore through the skin on his gut and chewed on his innards.

    I really like that phrase, you really captured the grittyness and filthyness of what they were actually doing. I can't give cc because I'm pretty terrible at this stuff lol, but it was a good read, especially considering you done it in 45 minutes. Good work mayn.


  10. #10
    Fanatic Enthusiast Luke's Avatar


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    Re: something I wrote for creative writing

    Crono, this is fucking awesome. Even if you can't be fucked you should still write stuff like this, I enjoyed every part of it. And the idea seemed like it might have been used but it still seemed so original. I liked the repetition for the description of John. Shit was tight.
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