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  1. #1
    Dedicated Member Death Warrant's Avatar
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    Fall of the Harrapan Empire

    This is an excerpt from a book I'm writing. It is a fictional work on an ancient Indian empire.
    The Fall of the Harrapan Empire

    The battle raged through the night. "Damn!" Mohenjo Yasha swore. Yasha swung his bronze sword and clove through another Assyrian warrior. "They're overwhelming Mohenjo Daro!" A sentry cried from the citadel. A moment later, an arrow sprouted between his eyes and he fell. "Return to your lands!" Yasha cried to the Assyrians in despair.

    Outside the citadel, Assyrian ballistae and catapults aimed high. "Ready!" The Assyrian lieutenant cried. "Fire!".

    Yasha heard loud explosions. Muttering darkly, he spared a moment to look up and see the citadel burning.

    From Khyber pass, the Aryan scout saw lights on the horizon. Squinting, he gasped in horror. The majestic city of Mohenjo Daro, which they were to capture was burning.

    And shot again. And again. And if you die you will still be shot again.
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  2. #2
    Insanity Skype's Avatar



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    Re: Fall of the Harrapan Empire

    Pretty mediocre. Not much descriptive language and the action scene reads out quite boring. Speech goes on new lines rather than one paragraph.

  3. #3
    Dedicated Member Death Warrant's Avatar
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    Re: Fall of the Harrapan Empire

    Yeah, well, I'll work on it.

    And shot again. And again. And if you die you will still be shot again.
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