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Thread: some shit rap

  1. #1
    Veteran Enthusiast Liam's Avatar

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    some shit rap

    was bored, wrote this, pre' bad.

    Our story begins, eyes closed waiting for tomorrow to come,
    He knows that what he sees right now could look different to some.
    Eyelids now open, he takes a step forth, not knowing what to expect
    or what to look for. So he walks, and he walks some more,
    Eyes fixed on the horizon, overhead he sees a bird soar.
    It's on a quest, like him all alone, to find the missing piece of a puzzle
    and find a new home. A screech, then the bird swoops down,
    flying past the boy and through the ghost town.
    It changes directions now towards the beach,
    and out to the ocean beyond the boy's reach.
    Gentle waves roll up to then fall back to the sea,
    The world goes by, it's all lost around me.

    We roam all over the planet looking for answers,
    Filled with a sense to explore, gotta fill this atlas.
    On we march along with our feet exploring the world that shapes this beat,
    Connect the dots, x marks the spot, theres always somewhere new to be.

    Look up, sky looms overhead, thunderclouds storm in to drown what I said.
    So instead of biting the bullet, I'll conform and take the lead.
    Lay down, no sound, except my mouth gettin ready to spit and release the hounds,
    And tell the crowd, what I found, if I fell down now I'd be headin' hellbound.
    So I stop, not thinking I'll turn around,
    and head back towards the ghost town,
    Chin doesn't seem so heavy when I'm not solitary,
    So I'll head back, find some new troubles to bury.


    btw in case there is any misunderstanding, "conform and take the lead" is supposed to be read like lead pencil or lead bullet as opposed to lead role, if that makes sense. fuckin' metaphors
    [center:1h4aebo3]
    You want to know the difference.. between a weak burger, and a burger that has STRENGTH?
    [/center:1h4aebo3]

  2. #2
    Veteran Enthusiast Liam's Avatar

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    Re: some shit rap

    Yeah I'm a cosmic cowboy, I ride on the starlight,
    I could run and hide because I know that I'm no knight.
    Haven't got armour, and it definitely ain't shining,
    Because I choose to fuckin rip off the simple silver lining.
    I might lose my balance but I know I've got someone to catch me,
    Open your eyes, wake up, there's a whole nother world to see.
    From days spent in the city to nights I slept on the beach,
    I know I'll be safe as long I keep all my friends in reach.
    I'm just another kid feigning to achieve his rap dream,
    And even if I lost my shine, even if my eyes don't gleam,
    I know the world is mine, so to the haters I say one thing,
    For every word you say I've just got another song to sing,
    I'm just speaking the truth I've been waiting so long to bring.
    Just seeking the youth that want to join me on my quest,
    To find a better way through it all and achieve our best.


    wrote something else.
    [center:1h4aebo3]
    You want to know the difference.. between a weak burger, and a burger that has STRENGTH?
    [/center:1h4aebo3]

  3. #3
    Bad Ass Statham Statham's Avatar

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    Re: some shit rap

    it was alright, but I feel it didn't flow too well. sometimes too much detail causes hiccups. take for instance, "Because I choose to fucking rip off the simple silver lining". if you were to get rid of the simple, I think you would have a decent flow since I feel simple and silver when said together becomes a slight hang up.

    "I might lose my balance but I know I've got someone to catch me,
    Open your eyes, wake up, there's a whole nother world to see."

    okay someone is going to catch you, but that's it no more detail on what can happen if kept from falling.
    might want to add some kind of insert another sentence like.

    "I might lose my balance, but I know I've got someone to catch me,
    Once I'm on my feet I'd be sure to inform you.
    Open your eyes, wake up because, there's a whole 'nother world to see.


    yeah its hard to cc since this is your piece so I can't really hear how you yourself would perform it.

    *You must be prepared for harsh critique. What I offer is in sight on what you should of done and you may get a offended, but you must understand if you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen of art.


 

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