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  1. #1
    Newbie William Leonard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011

    A little epic short story

    Jim never saw the bullet.

    The bright gleaming silvery thingamajig erupted from the robber's handgun, shooting through space like a comet towards him.

    The robber laughed a kind of laugh that was strangely evil and heartily at the same time, while Jim was sitting down, doing homework, back turned. Oblivious of the horror that he was about to face.

    Bad move.

    The bullet shot so fast that the sonic blast nearly tore the room apart, it was so speedy.

    Then Jim turned. A tad too late.

    He could only utter a 'What the...' before the bullet shot through him, tearing him apart. His blood erupted from the ghastly hole in his stomach that left him slumped on the ground, his eyes neither moving nor blinking, and as dead as a duck.

    "I killed you Jimmy! You're out of the game!"

    Jim blinked. He stood up, looking at his little sister who had wandered into his room.

    "I said you're dead!"

    Then Jim's mother's voice could be heard from the next room.

    "Holly, stop annoying your brother! He's not in the best mood," she said. "Jim, do your extra homework. You have to do what you have to do."

    "See ya, Jimmy!" Holly shouted before exiting the room, leaving Jim at his homework. Jim twisted his hand into the shape of a gun, put it next to his head and shouted "BANG!!!"

    The End.

    What do you think? I didn't want to make it that long as I don't write a lot and I don't want to lay down 500 pages full of mistakes Better to be safe.

    I got inspiration for this yesterday when I messed up in school and I got extra homework on a Friday. So you see I was a bit cheesed off when I wrote this.

    Comment please!
    And no, that does not mean you get more Cheerios.

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  2. #2
    Fanatic Enthusiast Luke's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Auckland, New Zealand

    Re: A little epic short story

    I think using robber wasn't a good idea. I would have used thug or thief, robber just doesn't sound right. Another part "it was so speedy" doesn't fit it at all. Try changing it to something like "speed unmatched by any natural force" or something to show that it was very fast "speedy" seems boring. Overall though I enjoyed reading it. Great story.
    R.I.P Grace - 18 November 1997 - 14 March 2011

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  3. #3

    Join Date
    Dec 2010

    Re: A little epic short story

    ^ I agree. Along with the other parts Camel mentioned, I also didn't like "the bright gleaming silvery thingamajig". It just didn't fit for me at all. However, it was a nice story. Thanks for sharing.

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