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  1. #1
    Veteran Enthusiast Krustalien's Avatar


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    Moving to the Bright Lights of the City (1,661 words)

    Hi guys. If you have clicked on this topic and plan to read what I have written then I love you and you're awesome. If not, understandable, 1,661 words ain't short. I would love it if you did read, though, this section is so dead it makes me sad.

    Anyway, this was for Literature homework. We were given the instructions "write something with the title Moving to the Bright Lights of the City, 800-1,200 words", nothing else. I came up with this:

    http://www.filedropper.com/movingtotheb ... softhecity

    I apologise for not directly copying and pasting the writing, I can't, really. The file is a .doc, a standard file type, anyone should be able to open it.

    This is the first time I have ever written seriously, and even then it took me only a couple of hours.

    Any thoughts, please share.


  2. #2
    Banned
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    Re: Moving to the Bright Lights of the City (1,661 words)

    Thanks for the great read.

    I actually really enjoyed reading this. There was some part at the start which I didn't quite understand though. The old man felt sad because of something, but you didn't say what. You just assumed that the audience knew that he was moving due to the description of the house being dusty and stuff. For all we know he could have just been a lazy, feeble old man who couldn't lift a feather duster or something. This may have worked better if you described something else more certain, like packages for the move, or you could have even just said how he was saddened that he had to move. I decided to keep reading, just thinking that perhaps you were doing this to keep the reader reading, but either you forgot to explain this some sentences on or you just presumed the audience knew. It became clear when he was having the conversation, but it just seemed a bit strange to me.

    When they were eating dinner in the evening, you should have started a new paragraph to show a time lapse. By not doing this it seemed as though his brother and sister suddenly appeared out of nowhere. You could have also said, "later on that evening" as it is presumed at the beginning that it's already evening. i.e. the sun sets behind the clouds.

    I loved the ending dialogue by the way. The conversation the kid had with his Granddad really touched me. The Granddad's linguistic changed at one part though. Instead of saying "yer" he pronounced it as "you".

    I really liked the whole concept though apart from those things. You really know how to convey emotions well, and your use of language is quite excellent. You had a very believable conversation in that story and I love the way you describe things. Very nice read.


 

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