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  1. #1
    Newbie Eonicy's Avatar
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    The first chapter to a book I'm writing.

    It's called Arena Trap and I've been working on it for three years now. This is the first chapter. It's kind of lengthy:

    [spoiler:15m15ipd]Chapter 1: They Don't Even Know
    "Kajiki wait," a man calls out. His dark blue jeans collects dust as he takes every step and jump on the tree branches of the forest scenery. His brown high collared shirt catches way on an outstretched branch as his medium cut black hair flicks to the front of his face as gravity does its work of pulling him down to the ground. In a quick second, he grabs onto the branch below him with his dark brown gloves and swings himself up upon the branch, almost losing his balance, but regaining it. He continues on his way of following Kajiki. “Come back!” This man's name is Semto.

    "No! I'm never coming back! Get away from me," the one named Kajiki yells back. Kajiki is a teenager who dyed his hair a dark teal and is spiked at both top sides of his head. He wears a light blue jacket with a red line striped down the zipper line. There are holes on each pant leg showing his knees.
    "Stubborn child," Semto muttered under his breath.

    "I heard that," Kajiki yelled. Kajiki stops jumping and parks himself on a branch, his body facing the same direction but his head is turned to look at Semto with an arrogant grin. Semto stops along with him.
    Semto sniffs the air. 'This doesn't smell right,' he thinks. Semto’s eyes widen and he quickly takes out his behemoth sword which he carts on his back. On the sword hilt is a purple circular pattern with a string tied to it with a small purple fuzzy ball dangling from the end. The blade itself is black with an ancient writing in the middle. Semto puts the sword in front of him using it as a shield.
    Kajiki beams Semto and evil grin. In his mouth are four rocks replacing all four of his canines which can create sparks the second they touch. Kajiki uses these rocks to ignite the gas he breathes to create massive explosions or fireballs.
    Kajiki bites down on the rocks and ignites a massive explosion which swarms around Semto in an angry rage.
    "Pathetic, this wasn't even fun," Kajiki exults. Kajiki attempts to walk away. He hears several sticks crack from the bottom of the trees. He sighs. “You aren’t dead yet?”

    "I won’t lose easily to a child" Semto says angrily.
    “I am not a child!” Kajiki screeches from the top of his lungs. He puts both of his hands together while a green gas forms into a ball bigger than his own body. "Taste my unholy green fire," Kajiki screamed happily as he ignites the ball of colored gas. He raises it over his head and prepares to throw it. Semto readies his stance. Kajiki throws it with enough speed for Semto not to notice it in time but he slices the fireball in half saving himself from agonizing pain.
    "You missed," Semto announces.
    "I never miss," Kajiki says angrily pointing to the burning grass on the ground. The fire reforms back into a fireball and hurls toward Semto at a massive speed. This time, Semto doesn't react and the fireball engulfs Semto and suddenly drops. The fire disperses into thin air breaking Semto's fall and leaves him there lying on the grass unconscious.

    Kajiki jumps down from the trees and lands next to Semto's head.
    "If you continue to chase me, I won't hold back on you. I will kill you," Kajiki whispered.
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Kajiki finds himself at the edge of the forest but couldn't see out of it.
    "Should I go through?" Kajiki asked himself. His walks forward unknowingly falling off a cliff. A low branch breaks his fall- barely. All of the wind burst out of him like a fat guy sitting on a whoopee cushion. Before he closes his eyes into deep unconsciousness, he see two girls walk up to him. He didn't get a glimpse of what they looked like before he fainted.

    "Is he dead?" one of the girls asked.

    "No, he's still breathing," the other girl replied.

    "Let's take him to the arena."

    "No, Taeko will just have him fight. Even when he's weak."

    "Then let's take him to the infirmary and keep it a secret."

    "Fine, then if he's better we'll let Taeko see him."

    "Deal."

    "How is this a deal?"

    "I don't know. Just grab his leg and carry him."[/spoiler:15m15ipd]
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  2. #2
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    Re: The first chapter to a book I'm writing.

    Ok, I think you have a really good idea going here. But what is lacking is the execution. There are some grammatical errors in your work, with your permission, I'd be more than happy to read over it and show you where you went wrong, so in the future you don't make the same mistakes. I'm studying professional writing and publishing so this will benefit me as much as it does you. I'd love to see your writing improve, if you want, you can read some of my stuff that I've posted here in the literature section.

  3. #3
    Newbie Eonicy's Avatar
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    Re: The first chapter to a book I'm writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Blot
    Ok, I think you have a really good idea going here. But what is lacking is the execution. There are some grammatical errors in your work, with your permission, I'd be more than happy to read over it and show you where you went wrong, so in the future you don't make the same mistakes. I'm studying professional writing and publishing so this will benefit me as much as it does you. I'd love to see your writing improve, if you want, you can read some of my stuff that I've posted here in the literature section.
    Sure, I'll read some of your stuff, but this isn't the final draft. It will have lots of reediting and changing. But sure, you can look over it. If you want to read more of my stuff, can you come here: http://www.sealedstories.yolasite.com.
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  4. #4
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    Re: The first chapter to a book I'm writing.

    Haha I will do. If you want to read more of mine, there is a link in my signature (its in blue)


 

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