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Thread: Slender Garden.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Eack1960's Avatar
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    Slender Garden.

    This is my first attempt to write something about the slender man.

    SLENDER GARDEN
    Jeffery, or Jeff for short, and his mom lived out in the country. Living in Georgia was the best thing for Jeff and his mom since his father died of cancer one year before. Jeff's mom, Lilandra, was a kind woman who did her best to take care of her son.
    It had been a year since the death of Drake, the father of Jeff. He died of bone cancer in the hospital, right in front of Jeff. Jeff always tried to not think about it, as he usually would cry every time he did so. Jeff had also just turned 10; his birthday party was one of the best things that year. Jeff always had a passion for wild life, so when Drake died, they moved to Georgia near the woods so Jeff’s fascination with Lizards and insects could be explored.
    "Got you!" Jeff said as he grabbed a green lizard, this Lizard was small, probably a Gecko of some sort. Suddenly, the Lizard slipped out of his grasp and retreated for the forest. Jeff ran to the forest, chasing the thing when a piece of paper hit Jeff in the face.
    "What the--" Jeff started as he looked at the paper. It had something scribbled on it.
    Slender man slender man the children call his name, Slender Man Slender man you'll never be the same
    The Note had a circle with an "X" running through it... Jeff threw it to the side and continued his search, un-aware that he was heading deeper into the woods.
    A couple of hours later Jeff was lost, the Lizard had slipped away some time ago. And it was getting dark.
    "Stupid Lizard, why did I chase you in the first place?" Jeff shuddered as a cold breeze came across his skin, giving him goose bumps. The sky was now dark, and the forest, was hard to see as fog filled it. Jeff had left his flash light and cell phone at home, Jeff had to admit it to himself, he was lost. Jeff held back the urge to cry, knowing it would be useless as he stood and started to walk back down a path, coming across a large tree with a piece of note paper on it. Jeff grabbed the paper, hoping for a map, instead, it said:
    Slender Man Slender man, the blackest suit and tie, slender man slender man you will surely die.
    Once again, the note had a circle with an X on it. Jeff pondered to note.
    "I wonder what this means? Who is the Slender Man?" Jeff wondered. He tried to recall, but had never heard of anything. Suddenly, some light from the mom showed the paper also had writing on the back, and all it said was "YOU CANT RUN". Jeff shuddered and dropped the paper as he continued to walk.
    11:00 PM, it was late. And Jeff was feeling tired. His hold on his own fear was beginning to slide away. Jeff moaned and looked at his mud covered shoes.
    "So...So tired." he mumbled.
    "Have to keep going!”
    Jeff continued when something hit his view, a Garden, out in the middle of nowhere. Jeff started to think, but his thoughts were over ridden by a sign near the garden. On it read:
    A creature has been found in the woods, stalking and kidnapping residents. This creature has been named "Slender Man" by those who have seen it. Beyond this garden is where the slender man has been most commonly seen, go past these areas at your own risk."
    Jeff had wet his pants reading this. Jeff knew he needed to eat, and from what he saw, the Garden was full of water melons. Jeff knew he was risking his life going beyond this point. But Jeff knew if he could make it until day break he would be fine. Jeff ran for the Melons.


    6:00 Am the next morning.
    Jeff’s mom was pacing throughout the house, wondering where her son could be. Suddenly, a knock at the door. Lilandra walked to the door and opened it, a Police man was standing there holding a note.
    "Ma'am, we believe this note has the prints of your son on it. We found it near a Garden out in the woods."
    Lilandra grabbed the note and read it.
    "Slender man slender man the children try to run, slender man slender man to him it’s all in fun." Lilandra was puzzled, she saw the sign of ink on the other side of the page and flipped it to continue reading.
    "MOMMY, IT HAS NO FACE, MOMMY, SLENDER MAN KILL ME KILL ME KILL MEEE!!!!!"
    Lilandra started to cry as the officer stopped her from falling. Suddenly, from what Lilandra could see, over the shoulder of the police man, something was in the woods watching. It wore a suit of black, had long arms and legs, and had no face.


    The body of Jeff was never found...

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  2. #2
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    Re: Slender Garden.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eack1960
    Jeffery, or Jeff for short, and his mom lived out in the country. Living in Georgia was the best thing for Jeff and his mom since his father died of cancer one year before. Jeff's mom, Lilandra, w...of her son.
    It had been a year since the death of Drake, the father of Jeff. He died of bone cancer in the hospital, right in front of Jeff. Jeff always tried to ... he did so. Jeff had also ... things that year. Jeff always had a passion for wild life, so when Drake died, they moved to Georgia near the woods so Jeff’s fascination with Lizards and insects could be explored.
    Try not to start every sentence with Jeff. Switch it up with him or he or his, it allows it to flow more and doesn't leave it so repetitive.
    An example here:
    Quote Originally Posted by Eack1960
    Jeff ran to the forest, chasing the thing when a piece of paper hit Jeff in the face.
    Instead it could be this. "Jeff ran to the forest, chasing the [s:1718wyob]thing[/s:1718wyob] lizard (also best not to use the word thing when describing a living thing) when a piece of paper hit him in the face."

    The sky was now dark, and the forest, was hard to see as fog filled it. Jeff had left his flash light and cell phone at home, Jeff had to admit it to himself, he was lost. Jeff held back the urge to cry,
    Same thing as before, just watch the constant use of "Jeff"
    Also, watch your punctuation, there are some instances where a comma is not needed, and a full stop could be replaced with a comma.

    "I wonder what this means? Who is the Slender Man?" Jeff wondered. He tried to recall, but had never heard of anything.
    That is better, you used "He" instead of Jeff, and it flowed a lot more. Try and do more of this.

    11:00 PM, it was late. And Jeff was feeling tired. His hold on his own fear was beginning to slide away.
    I liked this, though it should be a new paragraph, as it is moving ahead in time. The part about his fear beginning to slip away was very powerful.

    the Garden was full of water melons.
    You've done this a lot, capitalised pronouns (i think its a pronoun) such as garden and lizard, where they aren't meant to have a capital letter.

    Overall I think it is fairly well written, though it needs some touching up. To be honest, I saw you had written this and I thought "god what will this be like" but I was pleasantly surprised. You had a fairly captivating story, it just seemed to cut short. The main part was missing (if you are leaving this as is), if so, I would create the scene where the Slenderman catches him. If you are continuing this into something bigger, having the description of the Slenderman catching Jeff is not necessary.

    I hope you actually take time to read what I have written, and use it to benefit your writing ability.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Eack1960's Avatar
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    Re: Slender Garden.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jon.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eack1960
    Jeffery, or Jeff for short, and his mom lived out in the country. Living in Georgia was the best thing for Jeff and his mom since his father died of cancer one year before. Jeff's mom, Lilandra, w...of her son.
    It had been a year since the death of Drake, the father of Jeff. He died of bone cancer in the hospital, right in front of Jeff. Jeff always tried to ... he did so. Jeff had also ... things that year. Jeff always had a passion for wild life, so when Drake died, they moved to Georgia near the woods so Jeff’s fascination with Lizards and insects could be explored.
    Try not to start every sentence with Jeff. Switch it up with him or he or his, it allows it to flow more and doesn't leave it so repetitive.
    An example here:
    Quote Originally Posted by Eack1960
    Jeff ran to the forest, chasing the thing when a piece of paper hit Jeff in the face.
    Instead it could be this. "Jeff ran to the forest, chasing the [s:sv5oc0mx]thing[/s:sv5oc0mx] lizard (also best not to use the word thing when describing a living thing) when a piece of paper hit him in the face."

    The sky was now dark, and the forest, was hard to see as fog filled it. Jeff had left his flash light and cell phone at home, Jeff had to admit it to himself, he was lost. Jeff held back the urge to cry,
    Same thing as before, just watch the constant use of "Jeff"
    Also, watch your punctuation, there are some instances where a comma is not needed, and a full stop could be replaced with a comma.

    [quote:sv5oc0mx]"I wonder what this means? Who is the Slender Man?" Jeff wondered. He tried to recall, but had never heard of anything.
    That is better, you used "He" instead of Jeff, and it flowed a lot more. Try and do more of this.

    11:00 PM, it was late. And Jeff was feeling tired. His hold on his own fear was beginning to slide away.
    I liked this, though it should be a new paragraph, as it is moving ahead in time. The part about his fear beginning to slip away was very powerful.

    the Garden was full of water melons.
    You've done this a lot, capitalised pronouns (i think its a pronoun) such as garden and lizard, where they aren't meant to have a capital letter.

    Overall I think it is fairly well written, though it needs some touching up. To be honest, I saw you had written this and I thought "god what will this be like" but I was pleasantly surprised. You had a fairly captivating story, it just seemed to cut short. The main part was missing (if you are leaving this as is), if so, I would create the scene where the Slenderman catches him. If you are continuing this into something bigger, having the description of the Slenderman catching Jeff is not necessary.

    I hope you actually take time to read what I have written, and use it to benefit your writing ability.[/quote:sv5oc0mx]
    Thanks for the feed back, I honestly did not think anyone would reply or anything.
    I admit, the things you pointed out I could have done better with. In fact, I'll take these into fact while writing my next story.
    Thanks for the feed back, I'll try harder next time.

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  4. #4
    Neo
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    Re: Slender Garden.

    Nice concept, but you're repeating Jeff too many times, as blot said, it's nice to see you making an effort though!

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  5. #5
    Senior Member Eack1960's Avatar
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    Re: Slender Garden.

    Quote Originally Posted by Neo
    Nice concept, but you're repeating Jeff too many times, as blot said, it's nice to see you making an effort though!
    Thank's Neo.
    sorry about calling you "NeoFlashTV" in some of my posts. Will you firgive me?

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    Re: Slender Garden.

    Good to see you are actually taking it on board. Feel free to read some of the stuff I've written, there is some in the literature section


 

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