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  1. #1
    Fanatic Enthusiast Vices's Avatar

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    Moriarty. ENTRY THREE, DAY SEVEN.

    Excerpts from one Cameron Moriarty's journals, recovered from a burnt out husk of a house, heavy damage to notes, many lost.

    Day 1:

    The window's clouded over. My week old cigarette butts are standing stagnant in the ashtray reeking of tobacco, discarded Marlboro boxes litter the floor, their red lids creating an intricate abstract mosaic. A cold chill runs through the room from the open window, I can't leave just yet though, father's orders.
    My name is Cameron, I'm 17 years old and bored. Everything's dull. Dull and boring! My only pastime right now is writing this journal, Father said it would come in handy, and oh! does he know what comes in handy, the sociopathic bastard. Everyday it's the same thing, obviously. Routine is boring. The only break in habit is watching the evening news, every so-often that detective appears, the only interesting figure in the modern world - Holmes, his name is. Sherlock Holmes.

    Day 2:
    He appeared again. The circumstances of this were much more unusual. Two suicides. My father and Sherlock Holmes. One by gunshot and one by jumping off of St. Bart's hospital, an interesting case, very, very unlike the so-called great detective to fall for a trick and kill himself off before the final act, I'm not convinced. I'm leaving for England tomorrow so it seems, I'm bored and finding anything out about Holmes' shattered reputation would be a different venture, finally something to do! My nicotine stained fingers long for a throat to wrap themselves around. Asphyxiation's the new stabbing, so it seems.

    Day 7:
    England's shit. Utter shit. These people are vermin, all they do is bitch and moan about the world, without standing against it. It's all they ever have done so I don't know why I'm surprised, maybe this new enviroment is just taking time to adjust to.
    In other news a new 'guerilla faction' has appeared, Watson's Warriors, apparently led by the Doctor himself, pullling in anyone who believes Sherlock was most certainly real. Oh, which he was, and he still walks, I've seen the bastard, undercover as he should be. I'll find him, it's time for me to step out of the shadows and fight, Watson will fall, and as you all should really know, it's going to be a fucking permanent destination.

    Forward: Cigarettes are a precious commodity here, hard to sustain a smoking habit without resorting to pick-pocketing. Boring.


  2. #2
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    Re: Moriarty.

    Some parts seemed a little sketchy, although most of the wording and the general feel was quite entertaining and engrossing. It's cool that you wrote this, I like seeing fan fiction that actually adds on to an existing story.

  3. #3
    Fanatic Enthusiast Vices's Avatar

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    Re: Moriarty.

    Thanks Lionheart, I'm thinking of making a CYOA based on Sherlock where you play as Moriarty's son, with drawn journals, diagrams and maps


  4. #4
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    Re: Moriarty. ENTRY THREE, DAY SEVEN.

    "A cold chill runs through the room because the window's open,"
    I would have worded it like this:


    "A cold chill runs through the open window." Just makes it flow more, less convoluted.

    "Everything's dull, dull and boring, my only pastime right now is writing this journal, Father said it would come in handy, and oh, does he know what comes in handy, the sociopathic bastard. Everyday it's the same thing, obviously."
    This is way too convoluted:


    "Everything is dull. Dull and boring. (don't be afraid to use italics and such to get your point across)
    My only pastime right now is writing in this journal. Father's idea, he said it would come in handy. Oh! Does he know what comes in handy, the sociopathic bastard."
    I think this seems better. But that is my opinion.

    "Routine is boring, the only break in habit is watching the evening news, every so-often that detective appears, the only interesting figure in the modern world - Holmes, his name is. Sherlock Holmes."
    Too many commas man:


    "Routine is boring. The only break in habit is watching the evening news, and every so-often that infamous detective appears. It seems he is the only interesting figure in our modern world. His name is Holmes. Sherlock Holmes."

    I've only done the first chapter. Second chapter is the same, if you think what I've done is better, rinse and repeat on chapter 2

  5. #5
    Fanatic Enthusiast Vices's Avatar

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    Re: Moriarty. ENTRY THREE, DAY SEVEN.

    Thanks man, made some changes and it does seem better now.



 

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