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Thread: A Mayfly

  1. #1
    Dedicated Member TheRavenHouse's Avatar

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    A Mayfly

    A Mayfly

    A mayfly is born into the night
    His mother tells him of the light
    Yet he knows she can't be right
    That there is little more than blight

    A little later his mother goes
    Which reinstates all he knows
    About the darkness that only grows
    That this is how his world flows

    In just a bit his days are done
    Without a single battle won
    His legs begin to stick and stun
    Though he never cared to run

    But just before the mayfly dies
    And meets his quick timely demise
    A shimmering light catches his eyes
    As the sun begins to rise

    Hope may truly be a curse
    But pessimism is so much worse
    The song will change before it's purse
    If only in the final verse


    -
    I wrote this because I want to have a more positive outlook.

    ___
    Quote Originally Posted by Slashed
    tl;dr: The forum is dying, so is pivot

  2. #2
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    Re: A Mayfly

    It's poetically beautiful. Good use of vocabulary and such. The flow and timing of some of the lines is a bit off, some seem to have a different syllable count. What I find helps is counting like so:

    Quote Originally Posted by TheRavenHouse
    A Mayfly

    A mayfly is born into the night - 9
    His mother tells him of the light - 8
    Yet he knows she can't be right - 7
    That there is little more than blight - 8

    A little later his mother goes - 9
    Which reinstates all he knows - 7
    About the darkness that only grows - 9
    That this is how his world flows - 7
    I didn't quite understand the blight line, it doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I'd try make the first part more evenly spaced. One quick change makes it so.

    Yet he knows she can't be right = Yet he knows she can not be right / OR / Yet he knows that she can't be right.

    Adds in that extra syllable, I think it flows a bit better. The last line, (the blight line) really seems to stop the flow of the piece.

  3. #3
    Dedicated Member TheRavenHouse's Avatar

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    Re: A Mayfly

    Quote Originally Posted by Blot
    It's poetically beautiful. Good use of vocabulary and such. The flow and timing of some of the lines is a bit off, some seem to have a different syllable count. What I find helps is counting like so:

    Quote Originally Posted by TheRavenHouse
    A Mayfly

    A mayfly is born into the night - 9
    His mother tells him of the light - 8
    Yet he knows she can't be right - 7
    That there is little more than blight - 8

    A little later his mother goes - 9
    Which reinstates all he knows - 7
    About the darkness that only grows - 9
    That this is how his world flows - 7
    I didn't quite understand the blight line, it doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I'd try make the first part more evenly spaced. One quick change makes it so.

    Yet he knows she can't be right = Yet he knows she can not be right / OR / Yet he knows that she can't be right.

    Adds in that extra syllable, I think it flows a bit better. The last line, (the blight line) really seems to stop the flow of the piece.
    I noticed you using the same system on your tumblr, though I don't really pay too much attention to syllable count, as long as it flows okay it doesn't have to be perfect in my opinion. Blight refers to decay and death, the thought being portrayed there is that there is nothing in the world (or not much) but death, destruction, rot, and sadness. My poetry is always in exploration of myself, whenever I feel confused about who I am I'll write a little, it really helps.

    ___
    Quote Originally Posted by Slashed
    tl;dr: The forum is dying, so is pivot

  4. #4
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    Re: A Mayfly

    haha yeah I use that technique a lot, ever since my first lot of poetry for uni :\

    I know what blight means, I just meant it seemed to not fit very well with that sentence. Just my opinion.


 

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