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  1. #1
    Neo
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    Failed Experiment (WIP)

    I am not the most literate guy, but ways to improve would really help.

    I cover my face to shade my eyes, and realize I have no memory of last night and I seem to be lying in sand. I slowly stand up, though I have a painful cramp in my neck, to make something out of the current situation, difficult as that is with the sun beating down on my skin.
    sand...
    sun...?

    I am in a desert. This must all be a dream, but it isn't. I have just woken up in a desert with a short sleeved shirt, baggy trousers and a bag. A bag... I wonder what's in it...
    2 bottles, one large one small, the small one has water, an apple, a compass and a knife. I try to stand up but soon trip and face-plant into the sand. Looking off into the distance i see a small town, but it's far, very far...
    I've got to get moving then. I heave my self up out of the sand and pick the half empty rucksack. I start walking. And soon realize how thirsty I am, I need to preserve the water. I just take it out and have a sip. Very refreshing. As I walk I continue to try and figure out how I ended up in this barren place. It seems there is no reason for me to be here, last place I remember being in was coming home from work in London. I never reached home - Something happened, and I have to figure out what it was.
    But I must focus on surviving, I have been camping several times and I know how to make the most of my resources, but I am unsure that I will make it out of here alive, every step seems to last an eternity and I am desperately trying to make my way to that distance village, I am never going to make it. Once again I trip over these cheap sandals...
    I'm not getting up this time, I think I'll just rest a little.


    I wake up lying on a mattress in a small house. Where am I?
    A man walks in with a questioning face.
    "what am I doing here? who are you?"
    He returns a puzzled expression. Of course, he doesn't necessarily speak English, french is the only fluent language I know other the English.
    "parlez-vous anglais?"
    He seems to lighten up a little.
    "un peu."
    "Can you tell me where I am?"
    He seems to then return to a puzzled look.

    feedback?
    improvements?

    |Pivot|YouTube|Easytoon|Flash|Animation Blog|Want some CC?

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    Intermediate: 11th November 2012

  2. #2
    Senior Member Alca's Avatar
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    Re: Failed Experiment (WIP)

    "2 bottles, one large one small, the small one has water"

    This is minor, but I don't think it's good practice to write numerals, write out the number instead, so "Two bottles, one large one small" this varies depending on the context, e.g. if you were writing about a measurement, it would be better to use numerals. But generally stick to writing out numbers.

    "Looking off into the distance i see a small town"

    Small grammatical error, 'I' should always be capitalized when referring to yourself, although it was probably just a simple mistake, because every other 'I' is capitalized.

    "french is the only fluent language I know other the English."
    Mistake here, did you perhaps mean "I know other than English?

    There's a few small errors here and there, overall it's not bad.

    Also, one little thing, does the man the main character meets speak French? It's not really made clear but he responds in French, leading us to believe he does. If the main character speaks fluent French why does he need to talk to him in English, even after that character said he only spoke a little. It seems to me if the stranger speaks French, and the main character speaks French, they should just speak in French.

    It's unfinished so I'm not sure if there's more to that, so just ignore me if I'm mistaken. I just think it could be a little clearer.


    The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.

  3. #3
    Neo
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    Re: Failed Experiment (WIP)

    Quote Originally Posted by Alca
    "2 bottles, one large one small, the small one has water"

    This is minor, but I don't think it's good practice to write numerals, write out the number instead, so "Two bottles, one large one small" this varies depending on the context, e.g. if you were writing about a measurement, it would be better to use numerals. But generally stick to writing out numbers.

    "Looking off into the distance i see a small town"

    Small grammatical error, 'I' should always be capitalized when referring to yourself, although it was probably just a simple mistake, because every other 'I' is capitalized.

    "french is the only fluent language I know other the English."
    Mistake here, did you perhaps mean "I know other than English?

    There's a few small errors here and there, overall it's not bad.

    Also, one little thing, does the man the main character meets speak French? It's not really made clear but he responds in French, leading us to believe he does. If the main character speaks fluent French why does he need to talk to him in English, even after that character said he only spoke a little. It seems to me if the stranger speaks French, and the main character speaks French, they should just speak in French.

    It's unfinished so I'm not sure if there's more to that, so just ignore me if I'm mistaken. I just think it could be a little clearer.
    I was later going to state that the conversation had been translated, because I am not about to write part of the story in french, but I really appreciate the feedback!

    |Pivot|YouTube|Easytoon|Flash|Animation Blog|Want some CC?

    Ranks
    Spoiler:
    Intermediate: 11th November 2012


 

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