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Thread: Unsure about this

  1. #1
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    Unsure about this

    Trying to write a war story with a few parts. I've found it difficult, I'm unsure if it's just me hating my own work, or if it actually is terrible. Let me know please! Would love more than one comment on this.

    War Story Part 1: Private
    Jon Edwards
    I slept restlessly. In my dreams, I can all but picture my fate, as I stare down the barrel of a gun held by the enemy. It’s the same every time, my entire squad is dead, injured or unconscious, and I am all that’s left. I am alone, except for the Japanese man standing over me with his Arisaka type 30 rifle pointed between my eyes, and a barbaric language been screamed at me, to which I can’t understand. They fight ruthlessly, they fight with no fear. Death does not worry them, but it worries us, it worries me. It seems even in my dreams I cannot escape them. They haunt me, they make me feel sick. But the dream is not real, the dream is only imagination. When I wake, I will be hunted by them. It is only a matter of time before their impeding and unstoppable will is too overwhelming for us to withstand. The danger is real outside the comfort of sleep, and sleep is a commodity which is too rare and too dear in times such as these. They say war brings out the best and the worst in mankind. All I have seen so far is the worst. I still hold on to false hope that there is a positive to war, but every day this hope diminishes. I am fighting for my country, I chose to fight. I do not know if I will make it out alive, or if I will even be alive tomorrow. All I know for sure, is I will fight until the bitter end. Fear may plague my mind, but it will not hinder my spirit. Yes I am afraid of death; I am not as fearless as our enemy. But I will still fight, not for myself, but for the men beside me. My mind grows weary; I must quell these ill thoughts and try to rest. In my mind and in my gut I had premonitions of what tomorrow would bring. My name is Jackson Ajax; I am a twenty year old male from Australia. I am an ANZAC.

    I woke to a cracking sound in the air. Rolling over, confused and dazed with weariness, I opened my tired eyes and saw my tent was empty. First thoughts impeded in my sleepy mind.
    “Where was my platoon?”
    The cracks continued, as I slowly regained full awareness, I realised what was happening. On the 8th of March 1942 we received word that the Japanese had entered Papua New Guinea. It was now the 10th. Straining my ears, I could hear everything clearly. The gunfire, the screams of pain and agony, the loud booms of explosives being let off in the distance. I jumped to my feet, grabbed at my clothes and tossed them on. My Lee Enfield rifle sat in the weapons cache in the corner of the tent. I motioned over to pick it up; mine was the only one left. I held it to my chest, checked the clip, and cocked it, ready for use. The loud ambience of guns firing still filled my ears. My heart dropped at the sound.
    “What have you done Jackson?” I said to myself as I ran out of the tent. And then I saw it. The ground was torn up, numerous explosions from wildly tossed grenades. Blood covered the ground with a heavy red tinge, and I saw the bodies of Australian soldiers. People I knew, I had passed in the camp and shared friendly words with. People who were going through the exact same confusion and anxiety and general fear. People who were now gone forever. I gulped and fear paralysed my body and bore deeply into my mind. My mind wandered as I stared into the eyes of death. He was on my heels, bearing down on me, ready to grip me in his eternal embrace. A bullet whizzed past my ear and I dropped to the ground, returning to reality. Glancing around for a recognisable face, I saw Sergeant Marsh, the man who had taken me under his wing and helped me through the struggles of preparing for war. He was a man of honour and great pride, as I watched him giving out orders from a makeshift dugout. Bullets kept whizzing past my head. Jumping to my feet, I clutched my gun tightly and ran as fast as I could towards the dugout, diving into cover and at the side of Marsh.
    “Ajax! We thought we lost you when the Japs attacked!” He said. A hint of relief was noticeable in his tone.
    “Sir! What happened? I woke up to the sound of gunfire and explosions. Where are the rest of the –” I began to say before Marsh interrupted me.
    “You were sleeping?” He laughed. “Typical Welshman.” He was smiling but quickly his smile faded and his expression became deep. He was a fairly stocky man, but not overly muscular. He had kind features, to match his heart. A man who respected everyone and everyone, him.
    “It was nearing on dawn when they attacked. I was awake, unable to sleep, unable to sleep due to a dark cloud hanging over me. The night air was uneasy and I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that hung in my mind and body. They came silently, and before we knew it, they were everywhere. The first round of shots took out at least fifteen of our soldiers. Jacobs was among the fifteen who were taken first. The bullet went right through his eye. He was the first I saw...” Marsh paused, holding back tears of grief.

  2. #2
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    Re: Unsure about this

    I think it could use a lot more depth. Right now it seems pretty cliché, strong jawed loud mouthed officer waking up a soldier is probably the most overused thing in war novels.
    Seriously try to imagine being a soldier in a realistic situation, why are you afraid of dying? what happens when you die? those things should be explained a lot more if you want to develop sympathy for the character.

    You made a good start, but themes like war require really deep thoughts if you want it to be moving.
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  3. #3
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    Re: Unsure about this

    I think you've cracked it Cavo! Thanks for the comment, I'll definitely try and do this tonight sometime.

  4. #4
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    Re: Unsure about this

    Updated it. If I could get some comments on this. I think it's a lot better than the original one I posted.

  5. #5
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    Re: Unsure about this

    From the beginning you set the main character's tone as someone already troubled by what he's seen in battle; an improvement, I think, would be to introduce him as an individual; create a personality for this person and gradually alter it according to what he's experienced over time. A good way to draw attention and keep it is to have something relatable in the story.

    Other than that (which isn't necessarily needed), this is a really good piece of writing.
    SmoreJack likes this.

  6. #6
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    Re: Unsure about this

    Thanks for the comment Lionheart <3
    This is helping me heaps. I will definitely try and get this perfected. It's meant to lead up into another piece I had to do for uni. I want to do a multi perspective war story.

  7. #7
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    Re: Unsure about this

    Nice read, felt like reading this because Anzac day was recently Overall it was a very enjoyable piece of work imo (And my opinion doesn't mean much).

    I loved this verse: He was a fairly stocky man, but not overly muscular. He had kind features, to match his heart. A man who respected everyone and everyone, him.

    It was a very short and brief, but detailed just enough to imagine what he looks like. I can totally imagine a man of that nature infront of me as a commanding officer!

    Are you ever going to continue this?

  8. #8
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    Re: Unsure about this

    I've completely revamped this entire project because I did not like the way it was written. I will probably do it over and over again until I feel it is right. I'm going to keep working on it though, hopefully I get something done soon.


 

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