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Thread: WIP Story

  1. #1
    Senior Member Crawmerax's Avatar
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    WIP Story

    Just a story I'm working on. Pretty short, I know, but I just wanted some opinions on how I'm doing. Still needs a damn title.




    [center:3epb7zm1]His life used to be a happy one. After being stuck with him for what seems like years, I should know. I donít blame him any longer for what has transpired between us, but I canít allow this to happen any longer. He must be stopped before Iím hurt, or worse. My current situation came to be because of the events of that day.

    Life was good, leading up to that moment. I was doing well in life, finally got my chance to direct the new animated series our studio was making. Being one of the newer personnel, this was a HUGE deal for me. I was walking home, as I had missed the bus to get home. I did not have a car at that moment in time, and everyone other than the janitor had left home, as I had stayed to work on some things in the office for a bit. It wasnít like my home was far, or anything, so I decided to walk the 5 blocks to my home. About 10 minutes, if my memory serves right.

    Of course, in retrospect, this probably wasnít the smartest thing to do. A young woman walking around a city at around midnight is just asking for trouble. I didnít see the issue, at the time, though. As I was nearing my house, I noticed the faint sound of footsteps behind me. It shouldnít have mattered to me; I didnít care about my surroundings at the time, being tired from the dayís excitement.

    But, I noticed it. I was a block and a half away from my house. The footsteps become louder. My slow walking speed picked up, as did the personís behind me. One block away. My breathing quickened, as I began to enter a slow jog. Being as my studio has no dress code, I was in jeans and sneakers, so I didnít mind jogging. But neither did he. I heard the footsteps getting closer, picking up speed just as I was. I was almost at my home, just a few more yards, if my distance judging was right. I was going to make it.I knew it. I was going to make it.

    It was only when I got to the stairs to the apartment complex I resided at did I realize that I was caught. I never stood a goddamn chance, and he knew it. He allowed me to get as close as I did to the door. I wanted to scream my heart out. Kick and scream until I couldnít anymore, until he left and help arrived. I was already imagining the scenario, my neighbors hearing my cries for help, calling the police, them taking this poor excuse for a man away in cuffs.

    The moment he grabbed me, however, all scenarios I had already planned out disappeared into thin air. I froze. His hand was over my mouth, and I could taste the city of Hatley, every dark alleyway, every disgusting crevice, every horrid person lurking in this cityís shadows. I couldnít even muster the strength to whimper. How vulnerable I must have seemed to him at the time.

    I donít know what it was about him that made me stop everything. It was like he had a spell cast on me, a spell that would make me obey his every command. And his command now was to not utter a peep. With a quick strike to the back of my head, I was out cold. I imagine he carried me back to his evil villainís lair, a mess of secret switches and triggers, not different from the ones in Batman comics and the like. But that would be highly unlikely, so I can only imagine he had an unmarked van waiting, or something similar to that.

    How I ended up in that basement is beyond me, but I do know what happened when I woke up from my forced sleep. I was tied to a chair, which was affixed to the ground below with bolts and the like. I remember looking up and staring into his eyes. Those eyes, there was something about them. Something so familiar, something that makes me long for something lost in the past.

    [/center:3epb7zm1]
    Quote Originally Posted by Crafty
    Quote Originally Posted by Jojishi
    Looks like one of those weird shows I used to watch as a kid.
    You watch 3d Hentai as a kid?

  2. #2
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    Re: WIP Story

    It was a very creative and spontaneous short story, I admired how weird the idea this

    I thought you did a good job displaying the man's emotion when he was walking home and getting suspicious of the noises.

    I just think the whole thing is kinda too... spontaneous without enough detail. It all kind of linked from one scenario to the next too quickly. A good example I'm trying to make is this "
    How I ended up in that basement is beyond me, but I do know what happened when I woke up from my forced sleep. I was tied to a chair, which was affixed to the ground below with bolts and the like. I remember looking up and staring into his eyes. Those eyes, there was something about them. Something so familiar, something that makes me long for something lost in the past."

    You just had him waking up in a completely different background, completely different atmospherical features and everything, and he didn't seem all that shocked besides when you said how he got there was beyond him. Maybe try add what he was feeling, what was running through his mind waking up in such an obscure place. The contrast of waking up to how he just suddenly started talking about the mans eyes is too quick imo.

    Thats my opinion though and I am by no means a professional, lol.

    Great story though, I like it, would like to see it finished!


 

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