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Thread: fight test..

  1. #1
    Neo
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    fight test..

    So uh, I've been thinking the whole day throughout school and just though why not post it here?

    My lip was bleeding, though I felt no pain. He had started this fight, and I was about to finish it.
    "come on then!" he yelled aggressively. I said nothing. He lifted his arm up and violently flung a fist at me, missing by a mile, he grunted and once again through his fist at me, and once again missed widely, I slipped my left foot forward before completing a full turn, and landing my heel deep into his side, just below his ribcage, just above his hip. He winced and cursed under his breathe. I merely chuckled. People were starting to gather around, watching us intently. He yelled hoarsely at the top of his voice, and ran towards me, fist in the air, big mistake. I ducked down and pushed into his stomach with my my elbow, he toppled over my back and landed on his chest hard, with a loud thump, he was winded. More and more of a crowd were gathering around us, and I knew I really needed to end this quickly, He stood up and glared at me. He was insane, he shouted manically, "THAT ALL YOU GOT?!". He brought a fist up towards my chin, and surprised me with his accuracy, would've been the end if I hadn't stepped back. I ducked down and span on my heel, bringing my other heel round in a fast motion, colliding with the side of his foot. He once again fell hard. I stood up, slowly. And walked away, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" he yelled wildly. I did not answer, or even look back, he wasn't going to get back up, this fight had ended.

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  2. #2
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    Re: fight test..

    Quote Originally Posted by Neo
    So uh, I've been thinking the whole day throughout school and just though why not post it here?

    My lip was bleeding, though I felt no pain. He had started this fight, and I was about to finish it.
    "Come on then!" he yelled aggressively. I said nothing. He lifted his arm up and violently flung a fist at me, missing by a mile. He grunted and once again through his fist at me, and once again missed widely. I slipped my left foot forward before completing a full turn, and landing my heel deep into his side, [s:47gi3m4n]just below his ribcage, just above his hip[/s:47gi3m4n]between his rib cage and his hip. He winced and cursed under his breath[s:47gi3m4n]e[/s:47gi3m4n]. I merely chuckled. People were starting to gather around, watching us intently. He yelled hoarsely at the top of his voice, and ran towards me, his fist in the air.

    "Big mistake, I thought as I ducked down and pushed into his stomach with my my elbow. He toppled over my back and landed on his chest hard with a loud thump. He gasped for air, winded from the fall [s:47gi3m4n]he was winded[/s:47gi3m4n]. More and more of a crowd was gathering around us, and I knew I really needed to end this quickly. He stood up and glared at me. [s:47gi3m4n]He was insane[/s:47gi3m4n] His face contorted with anger, insanity seemed ever present in his eyes as he drew in a deep breath.[s:47gi3m4n], he shouted manically,[/s:47gi3m4n]

    "THAT ALL YOU GOT?!" He shouted manically. He brought a fist up towards my chin, and surprised me with his accuracy. It would've been the end if I hadn't stepped back. I ducked down and span on my heel, bringing my other heel round in a fast motion, colliding with the side of his foot. [s:47gi3m4n]He[/s:47gi3m4n] Once again, he fell hard. I stood up slowly, and walked away.

    "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" he yelled wildly. I did not answer, or even look back. He wasn't going to get back up, this fight had ended.
    Nice little story you have there. Nice and action packed. I added in what should have been done though. A lot of grammatical errors, as well as sentence structure errors. Also, when you try to write something, instead of telling the reader what is happening, show it. Like here:

    "He was insane, he shouted manically, "THAT ALL YOU GOT?!"."



    I changed it to:

    "His face contorted with anger, insanity seemed ever present in his eyes as he drew in a deep breath.

    "THAT ALL YOU GOT?!"He shouted manically."

    Also, whenever someone is talking, you should do a double space. I'll show you.

    So description blah blah blah

    "Heya man what's up?"

    Description blah blah blah

    "Yeah not bad man yourself?"


    Does that make sense? It makes it a lot easier to read, and it's something I actually just started doing with my writing work.

  3. #3
    Neo
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    Re: fight test..

    Quote Originally Posted by Blot
    Quote Originally Posted by Neo
    So uh, I've been thinking the whole day throughout school and just though why not post it here?

    My lip was bleeding, though I felt no pain. He had started this fight, and I was about to finish it.
    "Come on then!" he yelled aggressively. I said nothing. He lifted his arm up and violently flung a fist at me, missing by a mile. He grunted and once again through his fist at me, and once again missed widely. I slipped my left foot forward before completing a full turn, and landing my heel deep into his side, [s:16odnmcn]just below his ribcage, just above his hip[/s:16odnmcn]between his rib cage and his hip. He winced and cursed under his breath[s:16odnmcn]e[/s:16odnmcn]. I merely chuckled. People were starting to gather around, watching us intently. He yelled hoarsely at the top of his voice, and ran towards me, his fist in the air.

    "Big mistake, I thought as I ducked down and pushed into his stomach with my my elbow. He toppled over my back and landed on his chest hard with a loud thump. He gasped for air, winded from the fall [s:16odnmcn]he was winded[/s:16odnmcn]. More and more of a crowd was gathering around us, and I knew I really needed to end this quickly. He stood up and glared at me. [s:16odnmcn]He was insane[/s:16odnmcn] His face contorted with anger, insanity seemed ever present in his eyes as he drew in a deep breath.[s:16odnmcn], he shouted manically,[/s:16odnmcn]

    "THAT ALL YOU GOT?!" He shouted manically. He brought a fist up towards my chin, and surprised me with his accuracy. It would've been the end if I hadn't stepped back. I ducked down and span on my heel, bringing my other heel round in a fast motion, colliding with the side of his foot. [s:16odnmcn]He[/s:16odnmcn] Once again, he fell hard. I stood up slowly, and walked away.

    "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" he yelled wildly. I did not answer, or even look back. He wasn't going to get back up, this fight had ended.
    Nice little story you have there. Nice and action packed. I added in what should have been done though. A lot of grammatical errors, as well as sentence structure errors. Also, when you try to write something, instead of telling the reader what is happening, show it. Like here:

    "He was insane, he shouted manically, "THAT ALL YOU GOT?!"."



    I changed it to:

    "His face contorted with anger, insanity seemed ever present in his eyes as he drew in a deep breath.

    "THAT ALL YOU GOT?!"He shouted manically."

    Also, whenever someone is talking, you should do a double space. I'll show you.

    So description blah blah blah

    "Heya man what's up?"

    Description blah blah blah

    "Yeah not bad man yourself?"


    Does that make sense? It makes it a lot easier to read, and it's something I actually just started doing with my writing work.
    I truly appreciate this comment, thank you blot :3

    |Pivot|YouTube|Easytoon|Flash|Animation Blog|Want some CC?

    Ranks
    Spoiler:
    Intermediate: 11th November 2012

  4. #4
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    Re: fight test..

    You're welcome bud.


 

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